Ode to a Troll

Note: The following was written in response to a troll who spammed Mike Malloy’s board with right-wing garbage under several aliases. When I challenged him on his stupidities, he soon dropped the guff about wanting to “debate” in a “civil” manner, and waxed abusive. He even went to the length of googling for stuff I’d previously written (I’m not exactly anonymous) and offered unsolicited criticism of it, although it’s highly doubtful that he could do better. (Those who can, do; those who can’t, criticize those who can.) He also spammed two of my e-mail addresses with hateful vomit which I think reveals a lot more about him than it does about me. From it, I can basically divine that he’s middle-aged, is hooked on drugs, masturbates a lot, doesn’t like women but still wants this one’s body in the worst way, and is just generally a no-talent asshat with delusions of adequacy. In short, a real charmer!

Apologies for the rhymey-dimey doggerel that follows, but trust me–this monkey deserves no better.

Begone, you fool who played the troll

On boards of uncorrupted soul!

Why do you think I give a damn

For you, pukestick of rancid ham?

I don’t care for your right-wing ‘toons

Based on lies aged many moons,

Nor have you right to lecture me

On subjects such as poetry.

I will not brook your foul abuse;

As for your ravings most obtuse,

They’re good for laughs and nothing more.

You’re back again? Oh, what a bore.

I do not care how much you claim

To have donated in my name

To your foul party, which is bound

To run itself into the ground.

I only ask of your conceit

That you please send me a receipt,

For tax time will be on us soon,

And I would like to reap a boon.

Besides, I’d like to see some proof

That this was not an idle spoof.

(You haven’t got one? Oh, dear me–

The wingnut’s lied again, I see.

This seems to be a common thing

With dullards of the far right wing.)

How would you like some gay porn spam,

Sir UkeStick, a.k.a. aND hAM?

It seems to me just recompense

For one who will not see good sense;

Whose aliases are duly writ

On my short list that’s labelled Shit.

I’ll take your every drop of drool

And post it here for ridicule.

If you persist in pest’ring me,

I’ll forward to your ISP

Your each and ev’ry noisome screed

That violates their terms indeed

And only serves to build my case

That you’re a pitiful disgrace.

They’ll yank your plug, and none too soon

They’ll boot your buttocks to the Moon.

And if your nose stays out of kilter,

I’ll plonk you in my trusty filter.

Oh, what a waste of all your pain–

That I’ll not read your spew again!

You’ll raise your heart rate, but not mine,

And troll, that suits me simply fine.