The ASS-sassination of Hugo Chavez

Perhaps I should have called this one “Pat Robertson is so full of shit, it’s a miracle he hasn’t exploded”, but that’s kind of unwieldy. Albeit true…

Robertson, never known for his subtlety or his tact (let alone his intellectual grandeur, his compassion or his moral rectitude), had this to say on The 700 Club about my man in Caracas today:

There was a popular coup that overthrew him [Hugo Chavez]. And what did the United States State Department do about it? Virtually nothing. And as a result, within about 48 hours that coup was broken; Chavez was back in power, but we had a chance to move in. He has destroyed the Venezuelan economy, and he’s going to make that a launching pad for communist infiltration and Muslim extremism all over the continent.

Okay, Pat. Put up your fat little dukes and pretend you’re a man, ’cause them’s fightin’ words. Not to mention a steaming heap of bald-faced lies. Let us now enumerate the ways in which the bloviating whited sepulchre and Christ-killer has borne false witness here…

First of all, the coup against Chavez was far from popular. Far greater support existed for the democratically elected Venezuelan president, who, unlike Dubya, enjoyed a clear majority when he came into office (and, I might add, won it without vote fraud–also unlike Dubya!)

Secondly, Chavez is not a communist. He is a democratic socialist populist. Look it up. There is a gulf of difference. He may pal around with Fidel Castro, but that doesn’t make him a commie by association. If that were true, then by rights I should be a lesbian, because my best friend is a gay man. Ain’t happenin’!

Thirdly, the Venezuelan economy has NOT suffered under Hugo. If anything, it’s improving. It’s only the right-wing oligarchs who are moaning–because they can’t profiteer with quite as much impunity as before. But that is no indicator of economic health! Come on, people–a rising tide lifts all boats, remember? Isn’t it time the poor had some boats of their own, ones that don’t leak and aren’t easily swamped? What have you got against poor people, anyway? Maybe, if they could afford soap and running water, you wouldn’t have to hold your patrician nose walking past them anymore. Ever thought of that?

Fourth, Chavez also has no connections to Islamist extremism. I defy ANYONE to find any that actually check out. He’s expressed support for the Palestinian cause, it’s true, but that’s not Muslim extremism; he’s just acknowledging, as the Palestinians have been desperate to have the world do, for decades, that they are human and have certain basic inalienable rights–the same as the Israelis, and you, and me. And furthermore, that they are entitled to get the land back that was wrongly taken from them by the Israelis in the wars of expansion. Nothing terroristic OR antisemitic about that, unless you’re some kind of paranoid wingnut.

But of course, facts sit ill with Pat Robertson, who always looks like he’s severely constipated and straining to pass gas. Remember, this is the man who swore up and down that he could pray to God and get a hurricane to blow down Disneyland for letting the gays in there to–gasp!–have wholesome, friendly outings free of violence and discrimination, the same as anyone else! But did he get that?


I can only assume that it’s because God hates a liar.

Of course, if Robertson didn’t lie, we’d probably be treated to some real doozers of reasons as to why he really hates Hugo Chavez. Top of the list, I’ll bet, is that Hugo is a mestizo and looks it. Brown people! Mixed races! Scum of the Earth! Unfit to lead, unless they are truly vicious “Christian” dictators! Especially when they bring on “radical” reforms that happen to have been proposed originally by none other than–communist ratfink!–John F. Kennedy. You know, the stuff that ordinary Venezuelans have been supporting in their hearts for decades, but weren’t able to implement because the corruption lay so deep in the established elites? Hugo has changed all that; now they can!

And what’s more, he’s fixing to make it permanent and self-sustaining. No more depending on foreign money (and having to meet foreign conditions). Nope–this Venezuela will be truly autonomous. And the workers will also have a say in the way business is done, which no doubt has many oligarchs chewing their well-manicured knuckles.

And just look at this. Talk about your Christian deeds. Helping out a neighbor in need while they exercise a little free speech and people power telling the IMF to get stuffed! Oh, he’s goin’ straight to hell for that one, eh Pat?

And that’s not all. He’s also pulling Cuba in from the cold, helping the residents of that storm-torn island pick up the pieces. And also ensuring that relations between Cuba and other Latin American nations are finally normalized. In return, poor folks (that’s well over half of Venezuelans) get first-rate care from first-rate doctors–trained in Cuba, where education and healthcare are high priorities and have been for as long as Castro has been in office.

And it’s all being financed by Venezuela’s black gold. The same, incidentally, that America depends so heavily upon. Even more so than that of Saudi Arabia–and no, I’m not shitting you. Unlike Pat Robertson, who doesn’t know how to do anything but shit you. (Chronically constipated though he is. He does it by word of mouth.)

Is it any wonder the Venezuelan economy is NOT suffering as it once was? It stands to reason: if the people don’t suffer, neither does the economy. Things may be moving more slowly than Hugo (and the 70% of Venezuelans who approve of him) might like, but he’s also realizing considerable progress, right here on Earth. And it can only get better as long as he keeps it up…

No wonder snake-oil salesmen like Pat Robertson want him dead. He’s ruining THEIR business.

Oh sure, there’s the churchman who snapped that Hugo needed an exorcism, but that’s all holy smoke, too. Hugo’s good works on Earth will guarantee him a happy place in the afterlife. His greedy, hypocritical detractors, however, stand about as much chance of getting in there as a camel does of threading a needle.

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