Hurricane Hugo sends Dubya straight to the potty

Gotta love Hugo Chavez; I know I do.

The indomitable Venezuelan president recently kicked ass for the umpteenth time at the UN, reaping the biggest round of applause for his audacious speech. Which ran well over the five minutes he was initially allotted, and got him a written warning from the sticklers. But he basically told them to fuck it–if Dubya could babble for twenty minutes (without similar admonitions!), he could damn well counter that inane chimpazoid’s maunderings with some real man-talk. Which he did–minute for minute.

And what minutes they were. Imagine–the UN out of the US, instead of the opposite (which is always being threatened–not that it would make any difference, since the US has long been in arrears on its UN dues anyway.) A Bolivarian revolution at the UN, instead of the tepid tripe Auntie Condi was serving up in the usual stale sauce! Just reading about it made me breathe a little faster. (And why not? Chavez, quite aside from the considerable cojones it took to make such a speech, was also undeniably the sexiest man there. Which no doubt had poor luckless Auntie Condi quaking in her brand-new Ferragamos for another reason.)

It’s not recorded what the American delegation’s reaction was, but it hardly matters. I could just picture John Bolton–his milk-white mustache breaking and crumbling and dribbling away like so many icicles in a sudden thaw, to reveal a suddenly quivering lip. His wrecking-ball role, as appointed by Dubya–wrecked, just wrecked! O, the ignominy of it all!

Maybe that’s why Dubya had to ask Auntie Condi–in writing!–for a “bathroom break”. Just like every other emergency of his so-called presidency, this one was too much for him to handle, so he had to absent himself. And seeing as The Pet Goat only worked the first time, and hiding out at the Prairie Chicken Ranch was also no longer an option, he did it the truly manful way…by doing the pee-pee dance.

People, there is NOTHING like seeing the toughest-talking fake cowboy on the planet reduced to a knock-kneed kindergartner, scuffing his feet to go potty because da big bad brown man scared him. He hollered “Bring it on”? Well, Hugo BRUNG it. To the tune of 1,000,000 barrels of Venezuelan heavy whup-ass…from which a certain fake president and his oil cronies won’t be able to make one profiteering cent. No wonder poor widdle Dubya was suddenly not feeling so good.

And if that wasn’t enough, the next night Hugo kicked butt again–nicely debunking Ted Koppel’s dutiful recitation of right-wing talking points on ABC’s Nightline. I’m only sorry I had to miss it (I was listening to Mike Malloy‘s radio show at the time)–but then, I probably wouldn’t have heard a word. Too busy swooning, y’know?

Sure looks like Koppel got blown away by a force of nature, though. Hugo revealed something the US government and its corporate media lapdogs don’t want you to know: that they’re planning an invasion of Venezuela, codenamed Plan Balboa, to try to unseat a certain highly popular, democratically elected leader. Oil’s fair in hate and war, eh?

By now, one can only pray that Pat “Death Threats” Robertson is ducking and covering against the coming storm. The stone he lobbed at President Chavez has boomeranged and shattered his own glass house instead. Nikolas Kozloff, of the Council on Hemispheric Affairs, has been doing his homework on the unReverend, and found more than a little evidence of his hypocrisy regarding, uh, actual strong-arm dictators. Let’s just say that Venezuelan Protestants aren’t amused with Patwa’s antics, either. And wouldn’t it be a gas if he were extradited to face justice down there? The case against him is rock-solid; he was caught on camera.

Now, will someone kindly alert the lazy-ass mainstream media that all the stockmarket hoopla about the disappearance of Venezuelan mining concessions is based on complete bullshit? The timing’s just a little too coincidental to be an actual coincidence. Remember: Chavez kicked US butt. The State Department, under dear, desperate ol’ Auntie Condi, is putting this disinformation out there, counting on the lazy US media to run with it uncritically (which they have.) US business interests, wanting their nice, corrupt little banana republic back, are looking to snatch it from Chavez any way they can.

But the truth, like the overwhelming majority of the Venezuelan people and indeed, the hearts of a greater part of the world, just happens to be on Hurricane Hugo’s side.

Quel coincidence.

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