The (phony) War on Christmas

The louder a monkey screeches, the more you know he’s flinging shit. Check out how Rob Boston of Americans United for the Separation of Church and State does his organization proud by owning a FUX Snooze host’s ass, AND that of one of his fundie foes, all at once:

Boston: You guys are rich. This stuff was made up. I called school superintendents and said you know O’Reilly…said you can’t have cookies at your school…

Gibson (interrupting): Rob-Rob-Rob, stop right there-Rob-ROB-STOP-RIGHT-THERE!

Boston: No you’re wrong John, I’m not gonna stop…

Gibson: Yea you are, because the incidents in my book are not lies–if you’re calling me a liar let’s go one on one of it. –Hey Rob! Straighten up, you just called me a liar-Back up your charges–(Gary-pipe down)–Rob, you just called me a liar!–I did not say that!—(Gary, Stop!)

Gibson: If you’re calling me a liar on that, you’re going to get sued next.

Boston: Now you’ve changed your story.

Basically, the FUX host, John Gibson, just totally loses his shit when confronted with the evil, wicked facts. Facts which prove, incidentally, that there is no war on Christmas going on, except, of course, in the fever-addled brains of a few rabid wingnuts.

And if you think the transcript is a hoot, wait’ll you see the video.

Folks, this is what FUX Snooze does instead of reporting actual news. They make shit up. Not only are they apologists for fascism, they’re also propagandists trying to stir up the muddled masses yearning to breathe nitrous oxide for free. Any yearnings for actual liberty, though, must be stifled at any cost, even at the expense of looking utterly ridiculous–as poor, dimwitted, loudmouthed John Gibson does here.

Yes, heaven forfend we should give secular humanism any quarter. Or dollar, come to that–for the “Happy Holidays” greeting that rankles these rightards in the depths of their God-bothering gizzards is heard most often in the retail sector, where the money always says “In God We Trust”, but doesn’t specify in which God the trust reposes. For all we know, it could be a misprint; the word that came out as “God” may in fact be missing the penultimate letter, an L.

But if you think “Happy Holidays” is some kind of recent phenomenon, emblematic of a nefarious liberal War on Christmas, better go grab a box of Kleenex, because I’m about to make you weep tears of shame. Behold, I bring you tidings of great joy…or sadness, as the case may be, depending on how much the truth hurts you…

Bing Crosby, dead lo these many long and sad years, is not only the Man Who Crooned “White Christmas”; he’s also the voice of this charming ditty (also a video), whose chorus goes:

Happy holidays, happy holidays

While the merry bells keep ringing

May your ev’ry wish come true

Happy holidays, happy holidays

May the calendar keep bringing

Happy holidays to you…

See that? He’s deliberately using the nonspecific plural, “holidays”! O, the evil secular humanist! The devil take him!

BTW, did I mention Bing’s been dead for a couple of decades already? My gosh, he’s waging War on Christmas from beyond the grave! Surely this is the work of Satan.

And what’s to be done, pray tell, about the secular humanism that’s infiltrated the History Channel? THEY’ve jumped on the “holidays” (plural) bandwagon, too! Not only do they devote some airspace to Christmas, but to Hanukkah and Kwanzaa, too! At this rate, they’ll lose their informal sobriquet, the Hitler Channel, and become just as godless and open-minded as everyplace else! Oh, the HORROR!!!

But surely the most appallingly secular of them all is Jon Stewart of The Daily Show. Singled out for religiously-inspired abuse by FUX’s own Bill O’Reilly, Stewart actually dares to flaunt his secularism with an unambiguous challenge for Mr. Oh-Really to come and get him…if he dares. Dare he???

Come on, FUX Snoozers…don’t disappoint us, now. Give us some hellfire. Give us brimstone! Give us a freakin’ Nurnberg Rally, for Christ’s sake! The fate of the Baby Jesus depends on you. Put the Christ back in Christmas, dammit…even if you have to ram that baby up Santa’s jolly red ass!!!

And to the rest of the world…I bid a very happy Hanukkah. Cool Yule. Rockin’ Ramadan. Delightful Diwali. Budda beneath the Bodhi Tree. Hail Isis, Osiris is with thee, blessed art thou among Goddesses.

And to all you Seinfeldians, merry Festivus to all, and to all a good night.

(UPDATE: Wil Wheaton has weighed in at Salon.com on how the right-wingers have ruined Christmas for him. They’re sure doing their level best to destroy Peace on Earth this year.)

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