Phone calls from the dead

Or in this case, the brain-dead.

Last night, on his Air America call-in show, Mike Malloy got a real winner. This dude was clearly strung out on some kind of speed, because he couldn’t (or wouldn’t) stop gibbering! Here’s the MP3, courtesy of my fellow boardnik CaseyBuck. And, for the full impact of the sheer wingnuttery, I append the quick and dirty transcript, courtesy of the intrepid GymGeek (with corrections by Yours Truly):

MM: Jim is calling from Rawhide, MN. Jim, welcome to the program. Hello?

JB: (inaudible)…Yeah, in communion with this suburban cowboy President Bush and taken down the world trade center, do you understand that? Cuz, you know why he’s not talkin’ about it? It didn’t happen.

MM: Now wait a minute, wait, wait, Jim Bob, Jim Bob, Jim Bob, get back on your medication. Stop a minute. Stop a minute, stop a minute. Now start over. Beacuse you weren’t… Wait a minute! You weren’t connected. Okay, start again, and Jim, talk slowly, start again.

JB: Mike Malloy, are you trying to sandbag me on the air? Just say yes or no!

MM: What?

JB: Are you trying to sandbag me on the air by not letting me know that I’m on the air? Okay, I guess that’s against FCC regulations to do that sorts of things to the callers. But then again Mike Malloy, may I ask you a question?

MM: Sure.

JB: When, given that our suburban cowboy president took down the world trade center, and got away with it, when is he going to finally have you buried in that unknown unmarked grave like all the other Nazis used to do to people that used to like, try to expose truth. 9/11 Scholars for Truth? Are you kidding me? Why are they not buried in unknown unmarked graves right now? If they’re tring to expose the truth against our Nazi president?

MM: Uh, I dunno. What do you think?

JB: How are you surviving, if you know the truth and I don’t? Again by the way–

MM: Now Jim Bob, hold on, I’m a truth seeker, I don’t know the truth. Yeah.

JB: Oh, you’re a truth seeker? Oh, you mean you can say stuff that isn’t true but since you’re a truth seeker you can say “well I didn’t know at the time it wasn’t true” (unintelligible)

MM: What did I say, what did I, what did I…Hold on Jim, get a grip, bite your lip.

JB: Okay, It’s Jim Bob, Mike Malloy. It’s Jim Bob. It’s Jim Bob, Mike Malloy.


MM: Hold on. What did I say that’s not true?

JB: Okay, for one thing, the WTC really did come down because of two planes crashing into each building on 9-11.

MM: Is this really Phil Hendrie? You’re really Phil Hendrie, right?

JB: I’m Jim Bob, and if you want to see my birth certificate you’re more than welcome to come see, my birth certificate says James Robert. I like to go by Jim Bob, okay Mike Malloy? I don’t like to fib and I detest and absolutely hate liars. Especially people that like to say our President isn’t a… (unintelligible)

MM: What did I lie about, Jim Bob? Somebody’s playing a prank on me here.

JB: (stammers) I’m not playing a prank on you, Mike Malloy, I want you to answer a question. Given that you think our suburban cowboy president Bush is basically Hitler incarnate, when are you finally going to be married, buried in that unknown unmarked grave like Adolf Hitler did to those millions of people?

MM: Why do you call him a suburban cowboy?

JB: One likes to consider himself a proud neocon-man-servative. I like to have a sense of humor. Now I would have thought you would have appreciated me calling him a suburban cowboy presidnet because you don’t think he’s really a cowboy and you think he’s, uh, just a northeastern liberal carpetbagger down in Texas Kind of like yourself, being a neonational socialist liberal carpet down in Atlanta GA. Right Mike Malloy?

MM: (chuckles) Do you want to be a cowboy?

JB: Mike Malloy, I want you to answer the question.

MM: Sure.

JB: When are you and all your sycophants gonna be finally buried in that unknown unmarked grave, since our honorable President Cowboy Bush is, uh, is obviously Satan, or Hitler, incarnate.

MM: (sighs) I couldn’t say it better. What’s a sycophant?


JB: How much time do you have to live? What is your World Trade Center that you happen to be sitting in wherever you are right now gonna crash and burn, huh?

MM: (humming to himself) I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.

JB: When are you going to finally crash and burn your station, once you catch fire with you in it and all your sycophants that like to say that …

MM: What’s a sychophant? What the hell is a sycophant?

JB: A sycophant, you don’t know what a sycophant is?

MM: I have no idea. What is it?

JB: Oh I can’t say that on the air, I’m sorry. Excuse me. Uh you don’t know what a sycophant is?

MM: I do not, what is it?

JB: Oh, okay. I don’t believe you. That’s, uh, but. Then again, can you give me an estimated time.

MM: Well, okay… [crosstalk] Jim Bob! Jim Bob! Jim Bob! Wait a minute!

JB: Mr. Malloy can you give me an estimated time, estimated time of death… [gibbering crosstalk]

MM: Jim Bob! Jim Bob! Jim Bob! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Wait a minute! We’ve already established I’m a liar! Jim Bob, Jim Bob, Jim Bob, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, we’ve already esatablished that I don’t know what I am talking about, please tell me what a sycophant is.

JB: A psycho crazy fan of yours, okay?

MM: (Laughs)

JB: Because. Do you realize there’s people that actually beleive this stuff you’re saying, Mike Malloy. They’re sick in the head. Cuz…

MM: So you wanna know when I’m gonna go boom-boom in the WTC? (burbles) Br-r-r-r-r…

JB: If it were true, then every station, ABC, CBS, TBS, CNN, FOX! would all report it as…

MM: (singing) Here we go gathering nuts in May, nuts in May, nuts in May… You know, you’re right, Jim Bob.


JB: (unintelligible)…when am I finally going to get to see your death certificate, Mike Malloy.

MM: Jim Bob, you’re right. Most sane people….

JB: When is your death certificate going to be mailed to me, because I’ll formally request this Hitler incarnate send me a copy of it. Even though your mom and dad won’t know where you’re going to be buried. Cuz mass murderers like to bury people in unknown unmarked graves.

MM: (Chuckles) Jim, you’re all, Jim… (Chuckles) Oh my God. This is astonishing.

JB: Oh my God? You believe in God? You believe in God? Mike Malloy, do you believe in Jesus Christ, the lord and savior or do you believe in some other kind of God? Like a cosmic god, or a Unitarian god?

MM: Jim, I believe in Lord Satan.

JB: You believe in what?

MM: Lord Satan. I’m a liberal whose gonna come and eat your eyes.

JB: (unintelligible) You’re joking with me. What God do you believe in? Do you believe in…. (unintelligible)

MM: No, listen to me, listen to me. Jim Bob, I’m trying to tell you if you’d shut up for a second. Oh my God. I believe in Satan. I’m gonna show up with a straw and suck your eyeballs out.

JB: You’re more than welcome to come to my house. I’ll get you a first class..

MM: Goodbye Jim Bob! Goodbye! Nice talkin’ to ya! (burbles) Bl-l-l-l-l-l-l-l! Most sane people actually agree with, uh, your opinion, Jim Bob. They really do. You take it easy, all right?

Where was that guy calling from? Huh? Mars? Oh okay.

Frankly, I’m surprised Mike didn’t hit the dumper on this one about five seconds into his harangue, but I guess he was in the mood for a good laugh.

Heaven knows we all were!

Addendum: Military Mentality and CaseyBuck, over at Mike’s board, now think this call may have been a prank. Rawhide does not exist on any map of Minnesota. (The guy’s accent is all wrong, too–he sounds distinctly southern.)

Still a hoot, regardless.

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