And then it did unspeakable things to my tofu.
Larry Weald returned home yesterday to a scene of chaos in his refrigerator.
“It was as if someone had taken a scalpel to the takeout box,” Weald said of his mutilated order of steamed tofu. Neighboring containers of soy sauce and low-calorie dressing were unharassed.
Police investigation of the refrigerator uncovered heightened levels of radiation. “My pocket sandwiches had fully cooked in the freezer compartment,” Weald said.
“Whatever did this must have come through the walls,” said Weald.
Police confirm that Weald’s security system, deadbolt, and chain lock functioned perfectly throughout the night of the mutilation.
Efforts to conduct video surveillance at the crime scene have been frustrated by darkness inside the refrigerator.
However, NASA researchers believe that the tofu mutilators’ origin may be otherworldly.
“There have been increased reports of crop circles in soybean fields, and of UFO sightings near the star Vega,” a NASA source revealed.
Investigators say that Weald’s is the strangest kitchen incursion since the Beef-Stock Mutilations of 1979, which claimed over 150 Nebraskan bouillon cubes.
Luckily, though, this time the cattle (and all meat protein products) escaped unharmed. Why? Because, as everybody knows, Vegans only eat tofu!