Okay, this is really stupid, but…

…I just couldn’t resist this headline: “Scott Baio Blames Pam’s Breasts for End of Their Relationship”.

I shit you not.

Former teen heartthrob Scott Baio says his relationship with Canadian beauty Pamela Anderson ended when she decided to get her breasts enlarged.

"One day Pamela came home and said, ‘I’m thinking of getting my boobs done.’ Admittedly, I was surprised. My initial response, ‘Reduced?’ She already had large, beautiful, natural breasts," he recalls. "At that moment I knew our relationship would soon begin to crumble. Pamela had finally gone Hollywood — or whatever it is that happens when a woman becomes a hot celebrity."

Wow…that must have been really early in her career, because I can’t recall a time when Pamela Anderson was anything less than 100% artificial. She’s so wholesomely chock-full of additives, preservatives, and…well, whatever chemical category silicone falls under. (I suspect it’s carcinogens.) She’s got nothing natural left now, from her not-born-blond hair to her Lee press-on toenails. But hey, it’s kinda nice to know somebody knew her before she was famous just for being Hollywood’s #1 extreme-makeover casualty.

But that’s not the only eye-opening bit of waa-waa-waa he has to serve up for our collective delectation:

In BaioWatch: How I Dated and Loved Hollywood’s Most Beautiful Women and Ended Up Alone, Baio blows the lid off his relationships and sexual exploits with stars like Brooke Shields, Nicolette Sheridan, Heather Locklear, Erika Eleniak and Nicole Eggert.

Baio recalls losing his virginity to Erin Moran, who played his girlfriend Joanie on Happy Days.

"I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what to say after we got naked. So for the first five minutes, maybe less — hell, it might have been the first twenty seconds — I’m doing it and thinking, man, this is really uncomfortable," he says, adding that his penis was actually between the sofa cushions. "Instead of being inside Erin, I was humping a corduroy sofa!"

So…Joanie really did love Chachi, in more ways than one. But how cringe-inducing! And I thought my first time was, well, kind of banal? Suddenly, I feel like I lucked out–at least my then boyfriend knew where to go, though, alas, not what to do when he got there. Unlike Mr. Teen Sex Symbol, who was apparently sub-par even when it came to teen sex. Chachi, Chachi, Chachi–what would the Fonz say?

Probably “Whoa!”:

Baio also tells of meeting actress Beverly D’Angelo at a party and commenting on the sexiness of her overbite. He claims D’Angelo replied: "I don’t have an overbite, dear. I have a c**ksucker’s mouth."

Oh, my. I have a cute little overbite too, but somehow, I just never thought of it in quite those terms. I’m sure that’s a sad commentary on the general state of affairs in Hollywood.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must go take some Angostura for my upset stomach. I don’t call this celebrity blah-blah The Nausea for nothing, folks.

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