Stop me before I laugh again!

I can’t help it. I really, REALLY can’t.

President George W Bush has urged the US Congress to ratify a free trade deal with Colombia, as part of a wider plan to back democracies in Latin America.

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha, oh, ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha….

Shit, that’s funny. Bush backing democracies in Latin America? Um, what? Anyone remember what he got behind on a certain day in April five years ago? I’ll give you a hint: its perpetrators called it democracy, but Venezuelan voters had a very different impression.

He was speaking after talks at the White House with Colombian counterpart Alvaro Uribe who is on a three-day trip to lobby Congress support for the deal.

A scandal linking Mr Uribe’s political supporters with right-wing paramilitary groups is threatening the agreement.

Mr Uribe said the deal was integral to the fight against drugs trafficking.

Woooooo-ha-ha-ha-ha! That’s a hot one. How on Earth an exploitive “free” trade deal is supposed to do shit about drug trafficking, I don’t know, and I’m sure Chucklenuts doesn’t either. But bless Alvaro’s little heart, he never stops flogging that ol’ dead horse. If Juan Valdez and his mule were any good against cocaine and, er, ITS mules, don’t you think all that Colombian coffee you faithfully chug down every morning would have kicked in by now?

After being signed by Mr Bush in November, the free trade deal has stalled in Congress.

The Democratic Party, which controls Congress, is concerned about Colombia’s links to the militias, as well as the country’s human rights record.

Speaking at a joint press conference at the White House, Mr Bush said: “The president is here to speak strongly about his record, and it’s a good solid record.

“I thank the members of Congress for giving him a hearing. We expect them to be open-minded,” he said.

Translation: Open skull wide, bend over, let brains fall out with a wet plop.

That “good solid record”, as I’ve blogged several times, is awash in child labor, organized crime, corruption, and murder.

But oh, whateverrrrrr…

President Uribe will spend the next three days meeting top US officials to try to persuade them to sign the deal and also maintain a strong military aid package from the United States.

He has full support from the US president. Mr Bush asked Congress to consider the implications of the deal with Colombia and two pending pacts with Peru and Panama.

“It is very important for this nation to stand with democracies that protect human rights and human dignity, democracies based upon the rule of law.

“So the free trade agreement with Colombia, Peru and Panama – these agreements are more than just trade votes.”

George, stop! Stop! You’re killing me.

And that’s not all you’re killing.

Many in Congress oppose the trade deal out of concern for potential US job losses and Colombia’s poor record of protecting union leaders, our correspondent says.

They are also against the military focus of the anti-narcotics programme, Plan Colombia, that has cost US taxpayers billions of dollars since 2000, she says.

Boooooooo! Party-pooping Democrats! Get ’em off the stage. Don’t they realize they’re cutting off the coke for Chucklenuts, the Coultergeist, and heaven only knows how many other prominent Republicans?

And how dare they interfere with all that union busting Coca-Cola is doing in Colombia! Shame on them! Have they no respect for human rights? After all, corporations are persons too. Says so right in legal precedent!

Mas dinero, Jorge, para democracia mi, mi, mi!

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