Les fouquetarderies de la semaine passée

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All right…down to business, and beatings to be administered until morale improves. Here’s who needs to fuck off this week:

1. George Fucking Dubya Bush. For continuing to blame the “intelligence failures” for the nonexistent Iraqi WMD he didn’t find under his fucking desk, either. Why can’t he just fucking admit that he told them to cook up a pretext for his “pre-emptive” war on a country that he KNEW was disarmed, that he KNEW couldn’t fight back (not in conventional warfare terms, anyhow, although it’s still keeping up a remarkable guerrilla effort), that he KNEW had nothing he wanted, except a fuckload of OIL? Oh, I know…it’s like trying to get the Fonz to admit that he was “wr-r-r-r”…

…only, the difference being that the Fonz was actually cool, and decent to boot. And he never started any rumbles, although he sure as hell finished them. Dubya? Snort, snort. I like YVKE Mundial’s characterization of his blatherings: “George smoked some crack.” Sounds about right.

2. Grover Fucking Norquist. Hey, I have a terrific idea: How about we keep governments the size they are, and drown all the loony capitalist ideologues in the bathtub instead?

3. Saxby Fucking Chambliss. Remember how this chickenhawk coward screwed Max Cleland, a triple amputee and Vietnam vet? Seems this dipshit’s dipped in Teflon. He should have lost, especially on account of his perverted creepiness. Spare me the talk of how feeling up your own pre-adolescent granddaughter is just a good ol’ southern custom. This man is the walking embodiment of conservative hypocrisy. Lucky for him he chickened out of ‘Nam, or he’d have been fragged.

4. Speaking of people who should be fragged, how about that Sarah Fucking Palin? Doesn’t she have a state to govern, and a knocked-up teen daughter to shotgun into an ill-advised marriage, or something? Oops, wait, she’s doing a piss-poor job up there, or rather her puppet-mastering separatist hubby is; maybe it’s better for the people of Alaska that she’s ho-ing around the Deep South for her ol’ buddy Saxby instead. Still, one wishes she’d spare a thought for her kids, instead of just hauling them out to parade around when it’s convenient for her to be seen as a “loving mother”. Could she at least do that, please, before the youngest three also turn out badly?

5. and 6. Andres Fucking Oppenheimer and Simon Fucking Romero. Whenever you two little narcissist-lemonists decide to start actually reporting news instead of pulling it randomly out of your butts while snockered, let us know, ‘k?

7. Perez Fucking Hilton: For catching Teh Stoopid about Venezuela. They’ve been having gay pride events ever since Chavecito got elected. And not a single one has been banned. There are also plenty of LGBT Chavistas. Stands to reason, since the Bolivarian constitution grants implicit protection to LGBTs, even if it doesn’t (yet) green-light same-sex marriage. I guess it’s asking too much for a skanky gossip blogger to do his homework, so he can just fuck off. (BoRev, bless his soul, thinks so too.)

8. All those dumb fucking people out there who claim that the Liberal/NDP/Bloc coalition is “illegal” and that the Harperites won a “mandate”. No, it isn’t, and no, they didn’t. Did you kids sleep through Social Studies class? Here, let James Laxer set you straight. And then, you all can just fucking SHUT UP, ALREADY.

9. All those OTHER dumb fucking people on the “business news” channels who keep pushing the myth of the $70/hr Detroit autoworker. How much are these fuckers being paid per hour to spout junk about people who actually work for a living, i.e. people most unlike themselves? More than most anyone in Detroit, I’m sure, with the possible exception of the CEOs who flew in on private jets to beg for bailouts. All of THEM can fuck off, too.

10. Michael Fucking Weiner, a.k.a. “Savage”. For advocating genocide on the “tribal” areas of Pakistan in light of the Mumbai attacks. And this is supposed to resolve WHAT, exactly, especially considering that the Indian authorities managed to kill all the fuckers in Mumbai? I have a better idea, albeit in a similar vein (which I hope will illustrate the imbecility of the man by turning his own argument right back on him): How about wiping out, with nukes, all the Red States rednecks who listen to this piece of shit polluting the airwaves with his fuck-headed racist diatribes? No audience means no revenue means no more “Savage Nation”. Don’t like my modest proposal? Hey, it’s identical to his, but it might actually bring better results. Just think of how much nicer the United States would suddenly be if he and every last one of his noxious little penile polyps fans just all fucked off at once. In a big puff of radioactive smoke, no less.

11. That also goes for Jim Fucking Quinn and all his “peaceful” listeners. Hey, I don’t wanna live with that kind of people. Wipe ’em the fuck out! Let “their” God sort them out, right?

12. All those fuckheads who STILL keep claiming Obama is not a US citizen by birth. Look, I know Hawaii isn’t on the mainland, and that it was the last state to join the union–but it’s still unquestionably, and legally, US soil. If you people are going to question who was born on US soil, how about looking closer at John McCain, who was born in the Panama Canal Zone–which is not, and never has been, legally US soil? And if you’re not gonna do that–FUCK OFF.

13. Robert Fucking Novak. For being such a conscienceless, self-centred prick. Just shut the fuck up and kick the friggin’ bucket, already, Novakula.

14. Bill Fucking Kristol. Put down the crackpipe, old boy. And step away from the Kool-Aid pitcher, too.

15. Jim Fucking Karygiannis. For reasons already noted.

16. Sean Fucking Avery. $3 million a yea
r to talk trash about his ex-girlfriends and others? Hell, for that kind of money, I’ll put on hockey gear and mouth off on the ice without even touching a puck. I’ll even throw in some extra spicy language for free about Sean Avery, God’s gift to women! Whaddya say, NHL? Do we have a deal?

17. Last, but not least, Stephen Fucking Harper. Got all night? Neither do I. Just google for what he did during the past week, if you still don’t know why I am so fucking sick of him.

And have a lovely week, y’all.