Who could be bad enough to elicit this kind of sentiment from Jesus and me? Well, this week it’s the following…1. The fucking Venezuelan opposition. Can’t they teach their kids some manners, at least, so they stop pulling shit like this?Or, for that matter, how about their fucking media moguls, pulling shit like this?Look, people, haven’t you gotten the message yet? How many times do you need to get discredited before you learn? No matter how many times the dumbshit gringos pay off you bottom-feeders, no matter how many of these “non-violent” terror attacks you stage, the democratic process of the Bolivarian Revolution is going ahead. With or without your co-operation, and always in spite of your attempts at provocation. Now fuck off!2. Joe the Fucking Plumber. Well, actually, his name’s not Joe, it’s Sam, and he’s not a licensed plumber, either. He’s now a Pajama Party “war correspondent”, but he doesn’t believe journalists should report on war, either–or at least, not the truth. (He also thinks that giving Jesus a handjob makes him missile-proof. Jesus would surely beg to differ.) So what is he, if not Joe the Plumber or Joe the Journo? He’s Sam Worthlessfucker, basically. And he should get the fuck out of the war zone that he’s not reporting on because he’s not a journalist, go back home and get a real plumber’s license, do a real job, and just fuck off already.3. The simpletons at the Pajama Party who are now trying to put a positive spin on this sorry sack of shit. Painfully pathetic, or pure comedy gold? You be the judge. 4. The nucking futjob who planned to kill Barack Obama. No, he’s not racist (so sez he), he’s just antisemitic. Phew! For a minute there, I thought he just meant to kill Obama because he was non-white. Now we find out it’s because he’s not shunning the Jews and promising to throw ’em all in concentration camps to freeze, starve and be worked and/or gassed to death. Still, that doesn’t explain his slyly defending the specifically racist use of the word “nigger”. Care to ‘splain it to me, Lucy? Or would you just prefer to fuck off and die?5. Ruth Fucking Wisse. Yes, I realize that “working” for the WSJ gives one a certain licence to practise crackpot history, but what “dictator” did Bill Clinton “install”, exactly? Yasser Arafat? Gimme a fucking break. That wasn’t an “installation”, you idiotess, that was peace-brokering–you know, the closest it ever came to actual peace in the Middle East? Yasser Arafat was not a dictator, he was a secular Palestinian party leader who later became head of a provisional Palestinian authority–one who scared the piss out of certain Israelis to the point where they actually funded Hamas to try to neutralize the threat of actual Palestinian independence he represented. And many Palestinians said he was too submissive to the Israelis–wow, some dictator! But hey, at least Dubya got rid of Saddam. Big fuckin’ whoop. There’s a reason I can never get this pic out of my head, Ruthie-dear, see if you can name it:6. Andrew Fucking Bristow. Tortured Peruvian campesinos are, like, totally off limits for discussion, y’know? The main thing is that mines make money. Especially in these recessionary times, which are like a licence to print death certificates, at least if you do business in Latin America. But all is not lost; Otto tells you exactly where you can tell him to fuck off, right here.7. And while we’re on the subject of oppression in Peru, how ’bout them threatened Peruvian journalists? Where’re the IAPA when you need ’em? Too busy harping on Venezuela, still? Does Human Rights Watch plan on putting out any breathless reports on this one?Thought so.8. The Fucking American Life League. Bad enough that they spread misinformation about birth control pills (which, for the record, do not kill fetuses–they prevent them from forming by stopping ovulation; my doctor, many years ago, told me they do so by tricking your body into thinking it’s already preggers.) But now, they’ve got a hate-on for Krispy Kreme doughnuts–why? Because the latter used the concept of freedom of choice in its free-doughnut giveaway in honor of the upcoming inauguration of (pant, pant) Barack Obama. Who, as all the anti-choicers “know”, is the mastermind of some sick scheme to rip potentially viable fetuses out of the bellies they’re in and just leave ’em on the floor to die if they survive the operation, or some such shit. (On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t mention fucking in conjunction with these people. The last thing I want them to do is anything that might lead to reproduction, because the world’s already screwed up enough by these people as it is, and doesn’t need more of them.)9. Rick Fucking Fascist Warren. Somehow, I don’t think the real Jesus would want his followers to be a Hitlerjugend. For the thousandth time: Obama, ya shoulda gone with Barry Lynn.10. And last, but certainly not least, George Dubya FUCKING Bush….…who can hereby sit and spin on his own fucking finger. For what? For eight years of unadulterated shock, horror, war, terrorism, economic fuckery, ecologic catastrophe, and just plain sheer hell. In two days
we’ll be seeing the back of him, and it’s none too soon. Whoever kicks his departing ass first, wins.Ciao, motherfucker. Y’all don’t come back now, y’hear?