People in dire need of a good ass-whuppin’

Oh my, a genuine, for-real can of whup-ass! Who am I opening it on this week? Read on…

1. and 2. Pat Fucking Boone and Chuck Fucking Norris. The former for dreaming of a Smedley Butler-style coup d’état that will magically install him as president of the US, and the latter for having similar notions of becoming president of Texas (someone please inform him that Texas ceased to be a republic some time ago.) And if that ain’t enough to make you break out the whips ‘n’ chains, the sight of Pat’s flat butt and saggy arms in his black leather gear should tell you that he’s not merely cruisin’ for a bruisin’, he’s downright salivating for it. (PS: Don’t miss Pat’s dick-in-a-box moment. Wonder who he gift-wrapped THAT spectacularly underwhelming endowment for?)

3. Tucker Fucking Carlson. He wishes he were cute, smart and talented…like Jon Stewart. So how does he take out his frustrations? By trashing Jon Stewart. Dude, I wouldn’t go there if I were you. Remember what he did to that CNBC twit, whatsisname? You mess with the man, he’s gonna pick you up and smush you on his forehead like a beer can. Come to think of it…hell, go ahead and mess with him, Bowtie Boy. I’ll be over here making popcorn with real butter on it.

4. FUX and Fiends. Talk about shows that should be shit-canned, this dumbassery is it. Just imagine if they had it en español…but of course, they wouldn’t. It would sound even dumber than Homer Simpson:

(Actually, I’m sure this is a metaphor for something.)

5. Rubén Fucking Costas. Did he figure his Nazi-like hatred for Evo would find more sympathy in Germany? Newsflash: It’s been more than 75 years. The Germans have moved on. Besides, they have a serious fondness for Teh Injunz (at least, the North American Plains variety) there, and one that long pre-dates Hitler or any other eliminationist–just ask anyone who’s ever read Karl May.

6. Moonunit Fucking Perino. This pluperfect airhead thinks the economy is “improving” because of the cockeyed policies of her fuckheaded former employer–and that a very temporary uptick in the Dow Jones somehow proves it? YVKE Mundial put it about right: “She smoked some crack”.

7. and 8. Ann Fucking Coulter and Laura Fucking Ingraham. There are just two words for women like these, and they are BONY and BITCHES. Where do they get off dissing Meghan McCain’s (perfectly lovely) looks? Oh yeah, I forgot…they’re losing theirs. Not that they had much to lose in the first place. Which may explain why they’re bullies; they are ugly from the inside out. If either of them had an ass, it would be so whupped, kiddies.

9. John Fucking McCain. Why the hell isn’t he standing up to those bullies and telling them to leave his daughter alone? What kind of father LETS his child be bullied? One who deserves an ass-whupping, for sure.

10. People like this:

…who are inadvertently hilarious and in fact don’t need me to whup their asses because they do such a damn fine job of own-goaling themselves. (Look up what “teabagging” actually means, people. Blushing yet?)

11. Jorge Fucking Castañeda. Pulling shit out of your ass while drunk now qualifies as “journalism”! Who knew? Newsweek did, apparently, because they published this acid-dropping assclown’s pile-o-pucky. And of course, Foreign Policy (a magazine that’s worse than worthless for actually UNDERSTANDING foreign anything) not only repeats the bullshit, but amplifies it. And the US media then wonders its sorry excuse for journalism is in a world of financial hurt? I don’t. The problem isn’t merely financial, it’s systemic–and as this 10-year-old piece shows, it’s not even new. But now, finally, karma is catching up. If people want to read fiction, they buy novels, not newsmagazines, and if they want to see fiction they turn on an afternoon soap opera, not a nightly newscast. Duh!

12. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. As usual, the Pigman’s in a tizzy trying to defend the indefensible (AIG) and interest the uninterested (women). Here’s a clue-by-four for the Pigman, not that he’s capable of taking it: Women like men who get it. You, Rush, don’t. Therefore, you don’t get women. In any sense of the word.

13. James Fucking Stavridis. He thinks all those Iranian “offices” in Latin America are “fronts” for terrorist activity by Hezbollah. Actually, they’re called EMBASSIES. And they’re there for NORMAL DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS. Trust an admiral from a country that’s not clear on the concept to be unclear on the concept, though!

14. Gerry Fucking Pasciucco. If a Che shirt under a sportcoat on a balding AIG buffoon is supposed to be some kind of fashion statement, it’s got Epic Fail written all over it. (Please, PLEASE tell me he didn’t pair it with white jazz oxfords sans socks. That was only hip for about two minutes when Don Johnson wore it.)

15. Pope Ratzi von der Fucking Hitlerjugend, AGAIN. It’s official: that “taking the Church back to its
roots” thing wasn’t such a hot idea after all. Would it have killed him to play hooky from the HJ? Hell, my dad was 12 when the war ended, and he didn’t even need no stinkin’ principles to avoid Hitler’s phony boy-scout troop. He just did it. But noooo, for Ratzi to rebel even a little bit would have been a sin. And since he’s decided to favor orthodoxy over sanity, he’s alienated just about everyone: women, Jews, Muslims, African animists, and even his own fellow Christians of other denominations. Sweet Jesus, what a putz.

16. Larry Fucking Kudlow. Why? Because.

17. Joe the Fucking Plumber. How anyone can get horny in a roomful of conservatards is beyond me, but Mr. Worthlessfucker let his own plumbing do the talking. Or maybe it was just all that KKKoors beer he’d drunk, pressing down on his prostate. Who knows? In any case, this one’s good for a can of whup-ass too.

And finally, all you dumb fucktards out there who are threatening to “go Galt” on the rest of us. Know what I say to that? GO RIGHT AHEAD! Hell, go your Dear Dead Thought Leader one better and don’t just climb those mountains in the name of sovereign egotism–be brave, be true to your school, and jump off the fucking cliff. It’s only logical that if you follow Ayn Rand, you should award yourselves a Darwin! Open that can of whup-ass on yourselves…go on, you know you wanna. And don’t worry about all us peons out here. You’re not as important to us as you believe you are. The rest of the world will get along fine without you.

I know I will.