Wankers of the Week: Still talking a lot but not saying anything edition

Funny how some songs never get old. Sad how some schticks do. Here’s who needs to heed David Byrne’s advice this week.

1. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Why is this worthless right-wing relic still around, never mind in the public eye? Newsflash for Mr. Cancer Divorce: the president of Venezuela is not, and never has been, an “enemy of America”, but the US government has certainly been HIS enemy, and has been since even before he was legitimately elected. And you want to slam Obama for putting a stop to that? Get fucked…by your CURRENT wife for a change, you slimeball.

2. Stephen Fucking Harper. Hasn’t heard yet that Latin America is fed up to the gills with “free” trade which only favors one country (hint: NOT any of theirs). For that matter, hasn’t heard that Canada is also fed up–and wants no FTA with Colombia. Isn’t listening. Remains tone deaf. Still can’t shut up about free trade, free trade, free trade. Embarrassing Canada in general, and this Canadian in particular, soooooo badly.

3. Fucking spammers. They’re generating a lot of hot air, literally–and this without actually saying anything anyone wants to hear. Or, in this case, read.

4. Marc Fucking Thiessen. Bad enough that no one from the Bush Mafia is doing hard time yet for crimes against humanity. Even worse is that some of its professional liars (i.e. speechwriters) are saying things like this:

Critics claim that enhanced techniques do not produce good intelligence because people will say anything to get the techniques to stop. But the memos note that, “as Abu Zubaydah himself explained with respect to enhanced techniques, ‘brothers who are captured and interrogated are permitted by Allah to provide information when they believe they have reached the limit of their ability to withhold it in the face of psychological and physical hardship.” In other words, the terrorists are called by their faith to resist as far as they can — and once they have done so, they are free to tell everything they know. This is because of their belief that “Islam will ultimately dominate the world and that this victory is inevitable.” The job of the interrogator is to safely help the terrorist do his duty to Allah, so he then feels liberated to speak freely. This is the secret to the program’s success.

So what does that make the interrogator? A free-speech activist??? Gimme a break. This is the most fucked-up “logic” I’ve ever seen, and believe me, there’s plenty of it out there on the right. I say we waterboard Mr. Thiessen to see how “liberated” HE feels. Perhaps Christopher Hitchens or this Playboy writer will explain his “liberation” to him in greater detail, preferably after he’s strapped to the board but before the watering starts.

5. Oh shit, Sean Fucking Hannity has volunteered to be waterboarded for charity. The only charitable thing about that act would be if he were to actually drown, so no one would have to listen to him wanking on the air again! Could he take the Pigman with him while he’s at it, please?

6. The Big Dick and Auntie Condi should get to watch before their respective American Water Torture sessions, too.

7. Oh, and Shepherd Fucking Smith doesn’t believe it’s torture. Let’s throw him on a board too. What the hell, one more talking head going bubble bubble bubble…

8. The fucking young conservative anti-greens. Yeah, privatization and “market solutions” work great for the environment; just ask anyone who lives next door to a polluting plant that gets away with it, thanks to that other “free enterprise” greenwash, emissions trading. And if you’re gonna get all simple-minded on us and carry signs that say “sorry for breathing”, have I got one for YOU:


9. Whoever the fuck wrote this BushCo blowjob for that gloryhole of fascism, the Wall Street Urinal. Yeah, BushCo kept the world sooooooooooo safe. On whose watch did 9-11 happen again? Who shrugged off the August 6 PDB with a curt “All right, you’ve covered your ass now”? Who gave the Air Force the order to stand down that day? Who told the CIA to cook fake intel and the FBI to sit on its hands? Who pissed on the US constitution and shat on the Geneva Conventions in the name of “freedom”?

And why hasn’t Obama had a 9-11 yet, if the US is so unsafe under him? Anyone at the Wall St. Urinal care to explain me that?

Didn’t think so.

10. All those fucking media idiots out there who called Eduardo Galeano’s Open Veins of Latin America an “obscure” book. It’s so obscure that its author was menaced by about half a dozen US-backed military dictators and other assorted fascists for writing it, and had to go into exile. Yeah. Obscure. Riiiiiiiiight.

And finally, anyone telling me what I may or may not publish on this blog. Newsflash: your geographic location (city, latitude and longitude, NOT street address) and area code, along with your IP number, ARE NOT PRIVATE PERSONAL INFORMATION. Nor is your e-mail address, especially if it’s Gmail or Hotmail. I don’t know your real name, street address and phone number, much less your “real” e-mail addy, and I don’t care to. I do, however, know bullshit when I smell it, and I’m not inclined to be merciful to anyone who comes in here trying to convince me it’s roses. If you don’t want to be hung up here to dry, don’t come in all wet. Fuck you very much, and have a nice day.

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