Wankers of the Week: Dicks ‘n’ Taters edition

It’s time to plant potatoes…and pray none come out looking quite like this:

So, how do this week’s candidates rate? As dicks, taters, or both? Read on, and judge for yourselves…

1. Orson Scott Fucking Card. Who is he to be blatting on about the gay-rights movement “dictating” public policy to the married when his own Mormon church is at it far more blatantly and repressively? And who is he to talk about what kind of marriage is “natural” when the Mormons were founded by a man who was not only a dictator, but a polygamist? A screaming closet case, most likely. If he wants the law to dictate what people can do in the privacy of their bedrooms, he should be aware that it can also dictate what’s done in the less-private space of churches–and maybe the very profitable Mormon cult, which also backed Prop Hate, would like to start paying taxes on its tithings, hmmm?

2. The fuckhead or fuckheadess who signed him/herself “M. Maloney” at the end of this dumbest-ever letter to the editor. Perhaps you should change your name to “B. Baloney”, sir or madam, because it’s YOU who are “full of bull”, as you so quaintly put it. I would put it less quaintly: You are full of shit. I don’t believe for an instant you’ve been to Venezuela even once, much less “multiple times over the last eight years”. Why else would you claim that Hugo Chávez “was elected by the people of Venezuela, but only once, in 1996. Every ‘election’ since then has been rigged.” Funny, but not only the people themselves, but a whole raft of international observers think you’re full of shit too–and not only because the elections show NO signs of rigging, but because he was elected for the first time in 1998, not 1996. Oh, and the constitution hasn’t been “dissolved”, either; it’s been rewritten BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE, which the US constitution certainly wasn’t; it was also amended to allow multiple re-election for ALL candidates, BY POPULAR VOTE. Maybe it’s B. Baloney who needs to do some homework–if only to lie more convincingly in his/her LTEs.

3. Gary Fucking Hensley. When did killing people in Afghanistan become somehow “saving” them? When this dick of a lieutenant-colonel decided it was as good as converting them to Christianity. No shit, he really said it: “The special forces guys – they hunt men basically. We do the same things as Christians, we hunt people for Jesus. We do, we hunt them down.” And then some people wonder why fundamentalist Christianity is scaring people away? And that the Muslims of Afghanistan are not only resisting the evangelists’ efforts, but many have also sworn to put them to death for it? Yeah, I wonder too.

4. and 5. Michael Fucking “Savage” Weiner and Fred Fucking Phelps. Congratulations, your incessant demagogic hatemongering got you two shits banned from Britain.

6. Alvaro Fucking Uribe. Using public money and public defenders to protect soldiers accused of taking public money to kill innocent members of the public? Man, that’s…just…LOW.

7. and 8. Carrie Fucking Prejean’s stupid fucking parents. How did Miss Implants California become such a flaming ‘mo-hater and spokeswoman for the sacrosanct institution of Opposite Marriage? Lemme put it to you this way: She learned by imitation from two very Christian divorcees. Bonus wanker points to the ‘rental units for letting her pose topless as a teenager in skimpy pink lace panties.

9. Pat Fucking Robertson. Same-sex marriage means that child molestation, bestiality and polygamy will be legal next? Well, no doubt in Patwa’s wet dreams (and those of Mormon Orson, too). BTW, how’s that assassination plan of yours working out, Marion?

10. Kiefer Fucking Sutherland. Dude, your show is fiction. FICTION. Got that? Now sober up and knock off the tough-guy shit.

11. and 12. The original Dick and Tater, of course:

Nice faces! Just like those of true war criminals.

And finally, anyone who comes on here accusing me of not having my facts straight. Au contraire, mes petits frères, I have them all lined up like neat little duckies in a shooting gallery. ‘Tis you, ’tis YOU who do not know squat, be it about Hungarian “Szekler” terrorists (yes, TERRORISTS–and oh boy, is THAT grist for a future entry) or those homegrown (though not indigenous) to Santa Cruz. Get your heads out of your own butts, stop being apologists for fascism, and perhaps you won’t wind up pwned with potatoes down your pants in the future. Or, as in the case of my Szekler heckler, spam-canned and BANNED (with your nasty, abusive e-mails saved in case the Hungarian federal police come calling, heh heh).

Thank you, and good night.