Wankers of the Week: Bizarro World edition

1. Joel Fucking Brinkley. Supposedly an award-winning journalist, but can he get a single word right when it comes to Venezuela? Fuck NO. All he does is repeat what every other stupid hack who can’t be bothered to research anything or interview anyone does: rely on oppo crapaganda and the usual suspect English-language sources, and never leave the privacy of his Stanford sinecure before filing his “reports”. If you want facts, look out for his name–and AVOID it. My guess is that his awards and his cushy professorship were for CIA disinformation compliance, nada más.

2. Jim Fucking Flaherty. Bad enough that there are Canadians out of work due to the recession. Can you believe that our finance minister is now out there bashing them, too? Well, of course you can–he’s a Conservative. It’s what they do, bashing those less fortunate than their own well-padded selves. It absolves them from having to do the right thing about it. It also saves them from having to take the blame for their own shitty fiscal policies, which are responsible for us being in this pickle in the first place!

3. Sarah Fucking Palin, for the umpteenth time. Girl, have you ever had an original idea? Even one? Don’t get back to us until you do. We’re sick of you AND the other worn-out conservahacks you shamelessly plagiarize.

4. Lisa Fucking Raitt. Not only is she trying to sell off the aging medical-isotope reactor at Chalk River (undoubtedly for her own profit), she’s also trying to keep the public in the dark about her shitty activities. AND she’s crying crocodile tears over having called the cancer/isotope media issue “sexy”. Is she genuinely sorry? Hell, no–if she were, she wouldn’t have waited so long to apologize for her stupid, opportunistic remarks. It looks to me like she’s been deliberately mismanaging the Chalk River reactor, the better to have an excuse to privatize it. Next up: Obstruction of justice? Don’t put it past her–she’s a Tory. They’re not exactly loath to skirt the law for private-sector money, as Brian Fucking Mulroney has made clear. In fact, she’s not even loath to cut the throats of her own co-partisans–she’s projected her own incompetence onto the federal health minister, Leona Aglukkaq (who probably complained about the lack of medical isotopes, is my educated guess.) Raitt needs to resign, NOW. And then go on trial–SOON.

5. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. This freak not only lives in Bizarro World, he loves it there…and preaches bullshit on its behalf. I’m with Jon Stewart: FUX Snooze is the channel of bullshit, so of course Charles fits right in there. Pretty much the key to understanding Charles is just to take everything he says, flip it 180 degrees…and maybe turn it upside down and inside out as well. Oh yeah: And dump a truckload of salt on it. Can’t forget the salt!

6. James W. Von Fucking Brunn: Right up there with Scott Fucking Roeder, in my eyes. BTW, by “there”, I mean on a pile of maggot-ridden bovine feces. The “Aryan gene-pool” he’s so enamored of is about as deep as a puddle of dog piss at the foot of a fire hydrant. Oh, and he thinks Hitler “didn’t gas the Jews”. Someone please take this crazy motherfucker on a trip to Auschwitz, assuming he recovers…which I rather hope he does not. (Ditto his dirty hate site, which should be taken down on the grounds that it is a public health hazard.)

7. Wiley Fucking Drake. So, Dr. Tiller’s death was “the answer to a prayer”, and now he prays “imprecations” against Barack Obama? Trust me, Wiley, you do NOT want to know what I’m praying with regard to YOU.

8. Fucking GE. For refusing to help fight global warming, preferring to suck on the public teat and then keep the results for its own profit. A worse instance of ignoble selfishness is hard to imagine. Unfuckingbelievable!

9. and 10. Fucking Dick and Tater. Nice job, leaving a huge fucking mess for the better man who replaced you to clean up. And if he can’t do it, I can just imagine who’ll be waiting in the wings to claim to have a miraculous answer to it all–THE SAME PERSONS RESPONSIBLE FOR LETTING IT HAPPEN IN THE FIRST PLACE!

11. Michael Fucking Steele. Uncle Tom makes some interesting, revealing points: When Homeland Security head Janet Napolitano released a report warning that the right-wing climate of hate speech and anti-Obama rhetoric would boil over into terrorist incidents (as indeed it has), Uncle Tom claimed she was singling out Repugs. Well, DUH! Who did YOU think the racists, anti-Semites and doctor-killers were, Uncle Tom? They’re the same people who would never elect YOU president because they secretly feel that your proper place is as a lawn jockey. And you, of course, are only too happy to fill precisely that place for them. That’s why I call you an Uncle Tom. The Uncle Tom of Harriet Beecher Stowe’s book, you see, was so well-behaved that he would not fight for what was right even when the lynchers were stringing him up for simply being black. Instead, he defended the prevailing order of social injustice to the death–HIS death.

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And finally, to last week’s Wanker #5, Stuart Fucking Bensch: Congratulations, you wangled yourself a ban in just two posts by violating the no-wank warning. (Note: How cute, you just now tried for a third. Too bad you’re already spam-canned and all your e-mails are just going to get saved to my “Abusive” folder–for forwarding to the authorities, natch. Cyberstalkers aren’t tolerated here, either.)

If you’re going to go accusing people of laziness, look in the mirror first–YOU failed to update your own Internic info. What does that make you? Do the math, dumbfuck, since you think you know something about the subject. If I were your teacher, I’d give you a failing grade.

And speaking of laziness, isn’t it time you retired your hate site AND your anti-doctor e-mail address? Your victim is dead. Your murderous mission is accomplished. It may be too much to expect of you to have decency, but you might at least have some shame. But noooo, even though he’s now in his grave, you just GOTTA flog that dead doctor. Criminal insanity doesn’t get much uglier than you, Stew.

Now begone, before I wash your baby-eating, cyber-stalking, feto-fascist, TERRORIST mouth out with this soap: