Chavecito puts the chill on Colombia

“Played around when I was gone

Then I got hip to what went on

When I returned I left no doubt

I kept my cool and threw you out

And now you come with heart in hand

You’re beggin’ me to understand

I see you’re ripe for what’s in store

And now’s my chance

To even the score…”

–Toronto, “Even the Score”

Oh, Colombia. It sure must suck to be you. Your main industries are cocaine and bananas, both of them coming at the cost of massive human suffering and inescapable poverty; your human rights record is shit; your president is a dead drug lord’s bestest pal; your foreign minister is a twat who looks like Tucker Carlson, minus the silly bowtie. You’re mired in a civil war with no end in sight; it’s a toss-up who’s the bigger terrorist, the leftist guerrillas plaguing you still after all these decades, or the right-wing paramilitaries created to fight them. (Oh, fuck the toss-up. It’s the paras, all the way.) Your reputation couldn’t be worse; when you’re not exporting crappy bananas and nose-powder to the folks up here, you’re exporting violence and paramilitarism to your neighbors. Mexico and Panama, both of them not exactly untroubled by corruption and crime, are looking at you and snickering. Even Peru, that “investment grade” slag pit, looks good compared to you.

Poor Colombia, you sure must be desperate to buff up your image on the international stage. And glory be, your old pals in Washington have come through. Five new US military bases, plus all the hardware that goes with ’em! That oughta bump up the GDP (pay no attention to all those miserable, hounded, short-lived slum dwellers behind the curtain.) Plus, you get to help Uncle Sam terrorize and dominate the entire region. Yay! You’re golden.

Well, not quite. I’ve already noted that Ecuador isn’t in any hurry to re-establish diplomatic relations with you, onaccounta you bombed them on March 1, 2008, killing one of their citizens in an unauthorized cross-border raid on a FARC camp. Guess you couldn’t be troubled with the niceties of saying to El Ecuadorable, “Hey, dude, you got some of our cooties in the Sucumbios region. Could you please be a dear and hand them over to us?” No, you just had to go barging in there, with Yankee guidance (natch!) and bomb the living fuck out of the place. Not smart.

And now, with all the ugly accusations you’re leveling against Venezuela, look what’s going on. Chavecito, like his Ecuadorian compadre, isn’t taking your shit lying down…

He’s pulling Venezuelan diplomats out of Colombia and putting the deep freeze on relations. Ouch! Last time he did that, it was because you forgot your manners and sent your agents into Caracas to haul out a FARC guy who happened to be staying there. As in the case of Ecuador, you could have asked nicely for an extradition, and he would have complied. But oh, noooooo…you just had to go put your foot in it, eh?

Well, here you go: the Big Guy deals in consequences, and as a consequence for your bad faith, you get your mellow all harshed on. Not only is he chilling relations, he’s also mulling a shut-down of the gasoduct that he was so willing to help you guys build. That’s gotta hurt, but don’t worry about the rest of South America–they can always get gas from Venezuela–or Bolivia, which has way more of it than you, and a much better president to boot.

And just to add insult to injury, check out Chavecito’s demeanor in the videos above. Calm, rational, intelligent as he explains at length why he’s doing it. Doesn’t look at all like the wild-eyed demagogue the lamestream media like to make him out to be. Sure must suck to be them, too. Ever wonder why they’re bleeding so much cash lately? (Hint: it’s the product, stupid.)

Speaking of bleeding cash, though, guess who’s not doing it? Yep, that’s right…Venezuela. Spain just signed an energy accord with them, one agreeing to the nationalization of a Repsol-owned plant, no less. And there wasn’t a word of boo (or boohoo) in it over Colombia. So Chavecito must be doing something right.

Doesn’t suck to be him. Doesn’t suck to be a Chavista, either. But it sure must suck to be his enemy.

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