Wankers of the Week: Trillion Dollar Babies edition

What can a trillion dollars buy? Well, I know one thing it can’t: BRAINS. Too bad for these people, eh?

1. The Young Fucking Republicans. For thinking that an online game combining massive spending, prudery, homophobia and racism is a hot idea. Uh, since when is “vagina” a “bad word” or a “profanity”? It’s what brought you gormless dickweeds into this world, and you call it obscene? Show some respect for your mothers! And if you’re gonna get down on Obama spending in the trillions, just remember which party started the trillion-dollar wars on Iraq and Afghanistan (not to mention all that Ownership Society crapola) that led to this current economic crisis, you whiny little ankle-biters.

2. Larry Fucking Proctor. For trying to patent Mexican yellow beans, thereby raking in a mint off hungry Latin Americans (who, incidentally, have been growing this crop for generations). Fortunately, this wanker was denied his easy, unearned cash–AND his biopiratical patent. Repeat after Aunt Bina, kiddies: Nothing that is alive–be it a gene, a plant or an animal–should EVER be subject to patenting. (Auntie Bina thinks vaccines and drugs should also be exempt, because so many people depend on them to help them stay alive, and it is a scandal that any company should be allowed to profit off THAT.)

3. The Associated Fucking Press. Not only do they plan to spy on everyone who uses their articles over the Internets, they also plan on charging search engines (and probably you and me, eventually) for reprinting their (essentially worthless) content. I’m sick of these corporate greedy-guts and their ridiculous schemes. Right now, the only time I cite any of their pieces is to criticize their lies, inaccuracies, falsehoods and howlers. Which falls under the rubric of fair use, BTW. And now they wonder why they’re not making any money? Hey bozos, first you need to put out a product WORTH buying, and then maybe people will WANT to pay. Until then, your little Rube Goldberg money-trap will be an Epic Fail.

4. The Fucking East Hampton Village Board of Zoning Appeals. I don’t know how many people are on it, but they’re all shits. How could anybody be opposed to poor kids becoming literate–and coming into a posh neighborhood library to borrow its oh-so-posh books, in the hopes of maybe one day bettering their lives? No, better not let that happen. Better just do away with the entire children’s section instead. Better still, never build one, so that those poor kids never even get the notion of walking in those hallowed and pluperfectly posh doors. These guys remind me of Sarah Fucking Palin, only more so.

5. Donald Fucking Wildmon. He doesn’t yet know Obama’s plans for healthcare reform (no one does, because they’re still being formulated), but that hasn’t stopped him from opining (idiotically and crypto-racialistically) on them. I wonder how much the Big Pharma and Big Insurance industries are paying him to blow that ol’ dog whistle.

6. Same goes double for Bill O’Fucking Reilly.

7. American Fucking Idol. Remind me again: Why do people watch this show? It’s crap. All so-called “reality” shows are crap.

Oh, silly me. Of course. And if big bucks are somehow attached to it, it must somehow be good, right?

8. Karl Fucking Rove. If 84% of US citizens with health insurance are happy with what they get, why are they dropping like flies? Answer: Ask Bill O’Fucking Reilly. He knows.

9. Fucking record industry greedheads. Fortunately, to shame them, we’ll always have the awesomely creative, always compelling Annie Lennox. Like my best friend says: “Some artists truly let the Muse rule, rather than the dollar.” Amen!

And that’s it for this week. Brought to you by the “anything for a buck” guys from Newhart.