Wankers of the Week: Sticking to Their Guns edition

Can you believe the wheel is still spinning? It is, and so are all these brain-dead hamsters:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Living proof (but just barely living) that playing “telephone” with news of your own failed protest is a bad idea. Dude, you’ve got a whole huge media machine where you can, you know, just call the National Parks Service to get a crowd estimate. Why didn’t you do that, instead of consulting the notoriously unreliable right-wing nut-o-sphere for figures that vary widely, but all coincide on one point–namely, they’re dead wrong?

Oh. Shit. I forgot. It’s Glenn Fucking Beck. That’s just not how he rolls, because the truth would kill his ratings. He doesn’t have to fact-check anything, because he’s just an entertainer. Like Rush Fucking Limbaugh, who of course doesn’t really control the Republican party. And the right-wing nut-o-sphere is never wrong, either. Mea fucking culpa!

2. Michelle Fucking Maglalang, alias “Malkin”. Don’t you or your ghost-writing fascist hubby know how to pick up a phone and call the Washington office of the National Parks Service, either?

3. Troy Dale Fucking West. Nice to know that this whole “post-racial America” phrase is just that, eh?

4. Randall Fucking Terry. Oh look, somebody really likes going out there and scaring innocent post-born children. And this with Hallowe’en more than a month away. Trick or treat, smell my feet, give the sexists more red meat!

5.James L. Fucking Pouillon. Yes, I know I’m a little late with this one. But when the man’s own son has just now weighed in to the effect that his old man was a woman-hating wanker who only “protested” abortion in order to torment women, well…what more seriously needs to be said about Randall Fucking Terry’s role model, the latest instamartyr?

6. Roxanne Fucking Wilson. Boom boom, ain’t it great to be crazy? Just ask Mrs. Addison Graves Wilson what it’s like to be married to a nut and not know it until now.

I feel a song coming on. Ladies and gents, give it up for Ms. Tammy Wynette and her pure platinum football helmet:

Ah. That was lovely.

7. Addison Graves Fucking Wilson. Yes, he’s still a wanker this week. And he’s likely to remain one for several weeks more, if not the rest of his unnatural life, at this rate. But one thing he’s not, never has been and never will be, is an immigration attorney. (PS: He lies!)

8. Peter Fucking Marshall. How did this not-so-reverend manage to graduate divinity school? Must have been another of those unaccredited outfits that take “homeskooled” racists. And we wonder why Texas has such poor academic ratings? Wonder no more!

9. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Who knew that J-Lo represented the future of capitalism democracy? Oh, only the man who broke into Al Capone’s vault and, to his everlasting embarrassment, found it empty. What a coincidence, that’s just how I find Geraldo’s “journalism”!

EDIT: Oh, holy shite…

Anybody got that centrefold…?

10. and 11. Rand Fucking Cardwell and Elias Fucking Alias. Somehow, something about them just keeps on screaming “Douchebags!” Whatever could it be?

12. Joe Fucking Garofoli. Exactly who is this dickweed to pronounce on “civility in discourse” having gone to the dogs, when all Pete Stark did was say he wouldn’t pee on some crazy old birther’s leg? And why is that somehow equivalent to Addison Graves “Disease” Wilson yelling “You lie” at the duly elected president of the United States? If you’re gonna go for an equal-rudeness angle, shouldn’t you remark first on the rudeness of the accusatory old fart, and how it mirrors that of Wilson? And doesn’t Rep. Stark’s response seem a lot more like Barney Frank‘s? It seems a more logical comparison by far…although I really don’t expect logic from the punditocracy anymore.

13. Mark Fucking Williams. Nice try at doubletalk; nicer job of calling him on it by Anderson Cooper. Newsflash: Barack Obama is not honor-bound to “embrace” teabagging nutjobs who talk out of both sides of their mouths. He won, they lost–isn’t it time someone got over it?

14. and 15. Connie Fucking Rhodes and Orly Fucking Taitz. The former files a frivolous lawsuit; the latter think
s she’s Nelson Mandela now? This while complaining about “yellow people”, according to one commenter who met her and overheard it? Words fail…all words except batshit crazy, insane, dissociated and nutso, that is.

16. Kevin Fucking Brady. The epitome of teabagger entitlement and stupidity in one thick, badly cracked nutshell. Yo, Congresscretin: You do NOT get to have your cake, eat it too, and force someone else to pay for the slice. Ayn Rand’s books are filed under Fiction for a reason: Real life does not work that way. Next time, all you free-market fuckwads can bring your own damn transportation to Washington. Either that or suck it up, pay your taxes, and STFU.

17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Bring back segregated buses? Great idea, Rush! Let’s segregate them between racists and non-racists, and make the racists (that’s YOU, blobbo!) sit on the roof.

And finally, the stupid fucking shitbird from Hinsdale, Illinois, who came on here to wank. Hey, don’t hate me because I’m beautiful (and much smarter than you). I’m Canadian–we recognize what guns were made for, and acknowledge that they can’t just police themselves. And neither can those who own them. Most shockingly of all, the lawmakers of Illinois seem to agree–gun control IS crime control. Hell, even a Republican newspaper columnist sees the light on this issue, so why not you? Didja shoot your eye out? Apparently you did, because you missed half the facts that were staring you in the face. Fortunately, you got me to point them out to you. (You’re not welcome–moron.)

Fuck you all very much, and good night.