Wankers of the Week: Values Voter Circle Jerk edition

Ahem. Before we get on with the weekly wankapedia here, I thought I’d share a bit of wonkapedia with you:

Yes, that’s from this year.

And these people think they’ve got the world’s progressive majorities “surrounded”? They may be shocked to learn just how small their circle jerk really is…and how many of their, uh, “weapons” are aimed at each other!

And now, the wankers, in no particular order:

1. Michael Fucking Schwartz. For as much as confessing that he’s a raving closet case, and that he started masturbating when he was 11–and it scared the hell out of him so much, he now resorts to OTHER forms of wanking to, uh, distract himself. And one of them is to pull his pud to fantasies of VIOLENCE. Thanks a buttload, Mike–we really needed to learn THAT about you. (All my gay male readers are surely just as creeped-out by you as I am.)

2. Carrie Fucking Prejean. Yes, of course God chose her–to go down as the biggest hypocritical idiot in the history of homophobia. Her prize?

Yes, that’s right, folks–an eternal set of silicone Values Hooters! Because every boob deserves a booby prize–or two.

3. Todd Fucking Tiahrt. You’re committed to Scott Fucking Roeder, the triggerman in Operation Re-Skew’s assassination of Dr. Tiller? Brilliant idea, Todd. At this rate, the real values voters should get “Tiahrt” of you in no time! (And speaking of committed, you should be–both of you, to a max-security psych ward.)

4. Fucking rapturists. Why, oh why didn’t God see fit to disappear them all when they were conveniently gathered in Washington two weeks ago? It would have been so cool to see them all floating up, up and awayyyyy…like a balloon release, y’know?

5. Lila Fucking Rose. Such Christian charity. Now we know what HER values are: hate, hate, vindictiveness, and more hate. Good thing votes like hers will never be a majority. Otherwise, the US would be worse than Iran and Afghanistan combined.

5 1/2. SUZANNE Fucking ALL CAPS Nitouche also merits a dishonorable mention, for similar reasons. Don’t ask me how a woman can be such a misogynist; only trust that on the right, it is definitely possible. Must suck to be her; must suck to be the mirror she takes stabs at every day.

6. Sarah Fucking Palin, again. How many weeks has she been a Wanker, already? I’ve lost count. Let’s just give her a lifetime membership in the Wank Club; lord knows she’s probably been one all her life. But for the details on her latest foray into wankitude (in which, strangely, NONE of the attendees wanted to give their names), here’s an excerpt:

“She was brilliant,” said a European delegate, on condition of anonymity. “She said America was spending a lot of money and it was a temporary solution. Normal people are having to pay more and more but things don’t get better. The rich will leave the country and the poor will get poorer.”

Two US delegates left early, with one saying “it was awful, we couldn’t stand it any longer”.

Bet the walker-outers were rich, eh?

7. Bud Fucking Norris. What if you held a Glenn Fucking Beck Day and nobody came? Just ask the current (and not likely to be re-elected) mayor of Mt. Vernon, Washington. He knows.

8. Fucking Dubya. Gone but not forgotten, thanks to yet another book detailing his dumbfuckery for all the world to see. And this time, it’s a doozy: Oh noes, Harry Potter books promote witchcraft!

Actually, all they promote is reading. Something Dubya only pretends to do, as we all know all too well:

This is what those “values” voters voted for. A clueless git who just sits there while the country goes up in flames. Sad, isn’t it?

9. Tamerlane Fucking Phillips. His sister comes out with a gut-wrenching shocker about incest survival, and he wants people to worship his long-deceased guru? Just goes to show you don’t have to be a fundie Christian to be a religiously whacked-out wanker with seriously skewed values.

10. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Yep, orthodox Jews wank too. This one’s preferred porn? Stunningly inept Nazi holocaust analogies. Which is really funny when you consider who his “daddy” was.

11. Geert Fucking Wilders. Yeah, he made his hate-porn snuff film a few years ago. But he scared the piss out of a Kentucky high-school girl with it this week, so that gets him a place in the ranks of the wanks, too. (The as-yet unnamed teacher who chose to show it to a “leadership” class is also a fucking wanker. And so are all the classmates who are still ragging that traumatized girl.)

12. Steve Fucking King. So, same-sex marriage is a gateway to socialism? Bring it on, baby! (PS: Do you think he’s Teh Heterostoopid, too? I do!)

And finally, all the misogynists who scream about the evil that lies in the heart of “a woman scorned”. I’m sure you can explain this scorned male wa
nker to me, then.

Good night, good gawd, and get fucked. Especially YOU, Jasper.