Wankers of the Week: Happy Halloweenie edition

Is that “tongue” for real? I dunno. But a lot of real fapping was going on this past week, and it sure as hell was scary, because the fappers are all flat-liners. Here they come, in no particular order…

1. Dana Fucking Perino. No, Moonunit Yappa didn’t die with the Bushitministration. She’s on FUX Snooze now, spouting stupidities (chief among them, lies about Chavecito). It’s as if her old job never ended!

2. Reporters without SHAME would be more like it. How DO they gauge the degree of “press freedom” in a country? Apparently, only by how much they subjectively like whoever’s in charge of it. How else to explain drivel like the following:

Certain would-be “great countries” deliberately behave in a manner that is brutal, unfair or just disturbing. The examples include Venezuela (113th), where President Hugo Chávez’s personality and decrees are often crushing, and the Putin-Medvedev duo’s Russia (141st), where state and opposition media are strictly controlled and journalists such as Anna Politkovskaya are killed each year by “unidentified” gunmen who often turn out to have close links with the Kremlin’s security services.

Um, Venezuela is NOTHING like Russia. There is 100% press freedom there, so much so that the oppo media are STILL calling for Chavecito’s head–something which would never be tolerated by the parliament or the PMO in top-20 ranking Canada! And of course, the fact that everything Chavecito proposes gets voted on there (or enjoys popular acclaim anyhow) never rates a mention. “Brutal, unfair or just disturbing” is a better characterization of RSF’s shoddy “reporting” than it is of the situation in Venezuela.

3. Tim Fucking Russert. Gone, but not forgotten…especially not his pet obsession:

…which is quite interesting and ironic when you consider that the late unlamented had no problem getting down before Dubya’s open zipper and doing for him what Monica did for Bill.

4. Dick Fucking Cheney. My gawd, does Alan Grayson (my hero!) ever have his number. He sticks his neck out, all right. I just hope the Big Dick doesn’t make a lunge for his jugulars anytime soon.

5. Fucking Dubya. So he’s “confident” that he “made the right decisions” in office, eh? Well, that makes one person. One person who left office with a rock-bottom popularity rating for reasons good. “Popularity is fleeting”, he says, and he should know–when his wars blew up in his face, the popularity he took advantage of to push them through did, too. Fleeting. Yeah. Absolutely. Especially when you piss it away on stupidity. Now why can’t he just shut the fuck up about it and never be heard from again? Is he hoping to make himself look more popular in retrospect?

6. Mark Fucking Sanford. Figures that a guy who makes shit up about hiking the Appalachian Trail would be “blown away” by the “philosophy” of Ayn Fucking Rand, who made all her shit up, period. Or that he’d claim to occupy some mythical middle ground between “love her” and “hate her” while praising her hallucinations to the heavens.

7. And while we’re on the subject of hallucinatory crap that appeared in NewsWEAK, how about that Mac Fucking Margolis? If putting public money to work financing movie studios qualifies as “dictatorship”, Mac, you ought to come on up to Soviet Canuckistan and get acquainted with our National Film Board sometime. And then go back to whatever rock you crawled out from under, and write some more drivel about how we’re a dictatorship up here. Or how be you just learn how to speak Spanish, read alternative news, and interview someone in Venezuela besides a bunch of people who keep losing elections because no one wants all the country’s money to go to the already insanely rich while everyone else is dying of starvation? (PS: Venezuela knows about you, Mac…and what they have to say to your “journalism” is far from flattering!)

8. Ah-nie Fucking Schwarzenegger. Telling San Francisco to get fucked? What a way to treat a major port city, which brings in trade and needed tourist dollars to the state of California. Stay classy, Governator.

9. Roland Fucking Corning. Look who else is out hiking the Appalacian Trail–with an 18-year-old “dancer” from the local “gentlemen’s club”. WTF is it in the water in South Carolina lately that’s making all these Repugs act worse than horny goats on meth? Sorry, it’s not the water. It’s the fucking Viagra, combined with a midlife crisis and general Repugnican stupidity. Lethal mix!

10. Ian Fucking Kelly. The Cuba embargo is not dead yet, because someone hasn’t driven a stake through the fat, black heart of the State Dept. Exactly who are THEY to dictate what constitutes “improved human rights”, considering their lengthy track record of supporting–and oftentimes being–the planet’s worst violators? Just so’s ya know, Ian, you’re a laughing-stock in Venezuela!

11. Melody Mir Fucking Jiménez. No, I did not know that Columbus came to the Americas in 1980. Did he travel by TARDIS, perchance? (Actually, I shouldn’t rag Miss Spain too hard; a lot of her fellow beauty contestants had equally unintelligent answers about when the Americas were discovered. The correct answer, of course, is “No one knows exactly, but it sure as hell wasn’t Columbus in 1492!”)

12. and 13 Jorge Fucking Castañeda and Cesar Fucking Gaviria. Why do they hate elected leaders? Maybe because as vampires, they’d have trouble with the concept themselves.

And that’s it for this week. Happy Halloweenies–and may all the wankers get their windows soaped!