Wankers of the Week: Hands Off edition

Yes, kiddies, it’s that time of the week again…the time where we tell people to take it off the street and stop scaring the horses. Here’s who needs to unhand their genitalia this week, prontissimo:

1. Ian Fucking Kelly. Not only is he a wanker, he’s delusional. And he really needs to stop sharing his sexual fantasies regarding Honduras. They’re squicking the real Hondurans out!

2. Helena Fucking Guergis. Making a mockery of the Montreal Massacre in Parliament while depriving the Status of Women office of funding? Stay classy, Helena. Better still, just keep your fingers off the trappings of feminism. You’re not worthy to talk about what’s “above partisan games”, especially when your own party is the one playing the game so dirty.

2 1/2. Candice Fucking Hoeppner is also worth a dishonorable mention.

3. The entire fucking Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office. Disrupting the due process of justice by faking sick on days they have to appear in court, of all times? That’s a major, major wank. That’s also contempt. I say they should do time the way Sheriff Joe Fucking Arpaio makes prisoners do!

4. Ann Fucking Coulter. Yeah, I know: The Coultergeist is a wanker all the time. What makes her a particularly noteworthy one right now? Take your pick of all the countless dumb-bombs she drops during the interview at the link. My personal fave was the moronic assertion that all presidential assassins were liberals. Oh yeah, because liberals just love to play with guns at tea parties where they wave threatening placards, eh Ann?

5. and 6.Rush Fucking Limbaugh and Glenn Fucking Beck. Most influential conservatives? Biggest fucking wankers EVER, is more like it.

7. Javier Fucking Lozano Barragan. So queers won’t enter heaven, says yet another queeny old man in a red gown? How the fuck does HE know? Too busy making life on Earth hell for them to even see them as human, I guess. PS: nice job of crediting other sources for your homophobia, bub.

8. Tiger Fucking Woods. A “wholesome” phony all along? Say it ain’t so! Never mind who he’s screwing in private, he’s fucking with everyone in public. Suddenly, we have an inkling of why Chavecito, Fidel and Che mocked the world’s most bourgeois (and grossly overrated) “sport”, eh?

9. Jacob Fucking Zuma. It takes a village to renovate a house…at least if you’re a polygamist masquerading as a president in South Africa. And while fellow South Africans are forced to do without such basics as electricity, water, phone service and affordable healthcare, he makes the taxpayer foot the bill, too. There just are no words for the ineffable charm…

10. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. He wuz mobbed up all along? I’m shocked. SHOCKED, I tellz ya…

11. Lanny Fucking Davis. His latest bloviation is blatantly inaccurate and stupidly self-serving. Suffice to say he doesn’t know where the centre is, much less the left. Both he AND Obama are now plainly on the right, and they are the only ones who don’t know it yet. (Suddenly we all know why Bill Ayers is protesting, eh?)

12. Sarah Fucking Palin. How many wanks this week? I’ve lost count, again. Even bigger wankers, however, are those who want this idiotess to run in 2012. At that rate, the world WILL end, no doubt about it.

13. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Rio wants him to come down and help them fight crime? They forget on whose watch 9-11 happened. Remember that day when police and firefighters died because they simply couldn’t talk to one another–they didn’t have an effective radio system? That death came courtesy of their cheap-ass mayor. Who now shamelessly exploits that day to deflect criticism over everything from his own character flaws to those of his mafia pals, such as Bernie Fucking Kerik.

14. Glenda Fucking Stone. Anyone besides me find it ironic that “Labour‘s ambassador for women at work” gives her (female) assistants such a hard time that their desk is referred to as “the revolving door”? Surely there aren’t that many bad personal assistants in Britain. Must be the boss, then. PS to Glenda: Don’t wear glittery strapless dresses, they don’t suit you.

15. Manuel Fucking Rosales. Oh look, Burusas the Bandit is masturbating before the Hudson Institute in Washington! Why, oh WHY am I not surprised that he’d whip it out in there?

And finally, the Pest from Buda. Take a hint and stay away if you don’t like what’s being said here. Don’t come back to play with your privates. I’m not interested in your drama.

Good night, and get fucked.