Wankers of the Week: Crappy New Year Edition

Happy Hangover Day! How’s everyone’s head? Still ringing? Well, now you know what they mean by “ringing in the New Year”, eh?

Heh. At least the party’s over, so there’s nothing left to poop. (Other than the obvious.)

Meanwhile, here’s who fucked your Aunt Bina’s shit right up from last year into this…and who she’s dumping on in return:

1. Mike Fucking Gallagher. Instead of racial or ethnic profiling of criminals, as Mikey-poo recommends, how about STUPIDITY profiling? This wingnut is so fucking dumb, he ought to be behind bars, preferably in solitary–and better still, incommunicado. Failing that, though, I’d like to see him tossed in a large holding cell with a whole lot of wrongfully-accused Muslims who are all too aware of the damage his crapaganda is doing in terms of their innocence. How long do you think he’d last?

2. Karl Fucking Rove. Watch out, ladies–Dubya’s old pal Turdblossom just got a divorce, he hit on Randy Quaid’s wife, AND he’s got a self-important memoir coming out soon. I know you’re all just horripilating in anticipation of what this pasty right-wing doughball is gonna do next!

3. Earl Fucking Woods. Yes, even from beyond the grave, this one’s an unequivocal wanker. Not only did his multiple affairs scar his son for life, now Tiger’s following his bad advice and walking in the old man’s straying footsteps–and scarring his own kids for life. Way to go, Grandpa, you dearly departed douche! At this rate, there will be fucked-up Woods kids shambling through life until the end of fucking time.

4. Ivana Fucking Trump. Someone please get Da Donald to buy this woman her own LearJet so no one else will have to put up with her on an already stressful scheduled flight. Kthxbai.

5. Jim Fucking DeMint. Now we know who to blame for that Christmas Day bomber-wannabe getting on that jet he wasn’t supposed to be on. Seems that Jimbo thinks transportation safety is less important than union busting. Yeah, I bet the whole world feels so much safer knowing that underpaid, undertrained, disposable human beings are the ones watching al-Qaida for us, Jim. Viva fucking capitalism, goddamn it!

PS: And viva the racist blocking of qualified nominees, too.

6. Fucking “Bunny” from Parsons, Kansas. Yeah, go ahead and take your damn tree down out of spite over imaginary “death panels”. You’d do better to go into a Big Insurance head office and take THEIR tree down, you stupid twat.

7. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Just what the world needs: one more fucking ‘winger “news” website. Because the fucking conservative media’s just not overcrowded enough with fucking conservatives. And because snotty, superannuated fratboys are just God’s gift to us all.

8. George W. Fucking Bush. Yes, even out of power, this wanker somehow manages to fuck up an entire decade. Fittingly, it’s terrorism all over again. Even more fittingly, it’s BLOWBACK. Merry Christmas, USA–how about a little plane-bombing to fuck up your travel plans and everyone else’s in the entire fucking WORLD?

9. Orly Fucking Taitz. Lady, there’s a name for what you’re doing. It’s called INCITING TERRORISM. It’s also called MAKING AN ASS OF YOURSELF. Stop it and shut the fuck up!

10. Peter Fucking King. 100% of Islamic terrorists are Muslims? No fucking shit, Sherlock. But Muslims do not comprise 100% of terrorists, period. Also, the vast majority of the world’s billion-plus Muslims have no interest in terrorism and no sympathy for those who perpetrate it. And your biggest domestic terrorism problem is still all those white supremacists, neo-Nazis, Michigan militia lard-asses, Aryan Nations, KKK, gun nuts, doctor-killers, teabaggers, birthers and other assorted wingnut wankers who no doubt heartily agree with you that all Muslims are terrorists. The problem is not “too much political correctness”, it’s too much political ignorance–like yours, you wanker!

11. George Fucking LeMieux. Self-important blowhard much? Helms-Burton is NOT about “commitment to democracy, human rights and the rule of law”. It is a concerted effort to starve out the Cuban people so that their country can be annexed like another Puerto Rico–or reconverted into the mafia bordello of the Caribbean. And if you’re going to talk about “leaders in nations that seek to destabilize the region”, better look longer and harder at your own–they’re responsible for more of it than anybody else, starting with the Monroe Doctrine.

12. Mary Fucking O’Grady. Clearly, she’s caught Teh Paranoid from El Narco. That’s what comes of masturbating together!

13. Stephen Fucking Harper. For the second time in a year, our petulant PM has prorogued Parliament for no good cause or plausible reason–other than, maybe, his own well-deserved crappy reputation following him around like a sack of shit. What’s the matter, Stevie–afraid of a little thing called DEMOCRACY? (PS: What Heather said.)

14. Manfred Fucking Reyes Villa. Another wanker who’s not only afraid of democracy, he’s also afraid of the cops (and the embezzlement charges we just know they’re dying to lay on him). So afraid, in fact, that he buggered off all the way from Bolivia…to Washington, DC. Which makes absolutely no sense until you remember that that’s where his puppetmasters live.

15. Ricardo Fucking Urbina. Thanks to this less-than-just judge, Blackwater just got off the hook for what it did in Iraq. There are no words for the outrage.

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Of course the Pigman got the best possible care “right here in the United States of America.” It’s because he was in “socialist” Hawaii! Also, it’s because he could afford the best no matter where he went. If he had to go where most of his dittoheads go when they get chest pains, he might not be so sanguine about it all. And of course he wasn’t having a heart attack, either–there’s nothing in there. Duh!

17. All the fucking idiots in the media who said this is the end of the decade. Not quite, numbnuts. Since there’s no such thing as the Year Zero, we have to count from the start of Year One. That means this is actually just the end of nine years into the new millennium, not ten. The real new decade doesn’t start till 2011. So, kiddies, if you’re looking forward to a Dickweeds of the Decade post on this blog, you’re just gonna have to wait till the end of December. (Yep, I’m a mean, stickly bastardette that way.)

18. All the fucking banks and credit card companies who decided to celebrate the bogus recovery and get the jump on future rules with some very real and present consumer gouging. Too big to fail? Yeah, now we see how they got that way, and also why they’re not worth rescuing with even a penny slug from taxpayers. What a way to treat the people who made them so goddamned profitable. There just aren’t enough fuck-yous to go around, are there? (But thanks anyway, Courtney Love.)

And finally, this fucking lamer from Peru, who came late to my party and puked all over himself while he was aiming for me. Sure must suck to be you, dude…you are defending the worst possible president. You’re gonna have to do a lot more bending-over and ankle-grabbing down there in Lima next year, I can see that much in my magic crystal ball.

BTW, I cleaned your vomit-stained shirt for you. And your clock.

Good night, and Crappy New Year!!!