Wankers of the Week: January Blahs edition

Here comes the end of January, legendary month of the blahs. As we bid farewell to it, let us now pause and remember the blah-blah coming from the following wankers…right before we deliver them the obligatory boot to the head:

1. Andre Fucking Bauer. Where have we heard all these stock phrases before? “Hand up not a handout”, blah blah blah. “Don’t feed stray animals because they breed”, blah blah blah. “Culture of dependence”, blah blah blah. “Short term pain for long term gain”, blah blah blah. Here’s a way to deal with all the blah blah blah, voters of South Carolina: Don’t give this douchebag a handout by giving him a hand up to the gubernatorial mansion. Don’t feed this stray animal, because he breeds. Don’t contribute the the REAL culture of dependence–handouts to scum like him from corporations who are throwing millions out of work, and then “investing” that extra cash in this shithead so that he can further piss on and humiliate those who need welfare to survive because there are no real jobs, thanks to his shitty economic policies. And who are now in danger of being made to work for it, at bogus jobs that don’t pay a living wage or anything else for that matter, in a state with a long history of slavery and profiteering on human misery. That’s a lot of long-term pain for the short-term gains of a few. And, unlike what the Repug candidate says, that’s NOT a lot of blah blah blah.

2. John Fucking Moore. Protests are a “numbers game”, blah blah blah. Funny, but the real numbers say you’re full of wind, John. Here, have a free dinner on me:

3. And while we’re on the subject of prorogation blah-blah, I’d like to feed some crow to whoever the fuck planted these painfully obvious fake protesters. I don’t know what’s dumber…the Godwin violation, or the fact that they sent their own brownshirts out to do it. In any case, Epic Fail.

4. Jackson Fucking Diehl. “Hugo Chávez’s régime is crumbling”, blah blah blah. How many fucking times has he said this already over the past decade and been dead wrong? I’ve lost count. For those who want to see what Chavecito’s really up to, here. And for those who want numbers, in inglés, here. Crumble THAT.

5. Tony Fucking Clement: “All you have to do is vote us out”, blah blah blah. Well Tony, we would, except you guys prorogued in order to keep us from doing just that, since we denied you a majority last time ’round. You’re also taking blatant advantage of the Libs’ vacillation, brought on mainly by Iggy’s unpopularity (let’s face it, if he were anything other than Harpo Lite, he’d be in like Flynn with the voters.) And if anyone tries that confidence thing, I know just what you’re gonna do next…the same as you’ve already done twice before when something threatened to bring the Harpocracy down. (BTW, you look a downright knob in that pic. Just so’s you know.)

6. James Fucking O’Keefe. “Investigative journalist and filmmaker”, blah blah blah. Make that “right-wing hack under arrest for illegal wiretap attempt and espionage”, ha ha ha. Just don’t ask me why he was spying on Mary Landrieu; she’s a DINO (a.k.a. Repugnican Lite.)

7. Fucking Harpo. “It should not take a natural disaster to turn our attention to the less fortunate”, blah blah blah. “Tragedy strikes those who can least afford it”, blah blah blah. “Each year, it is estimated that 500,000 women lose their lives during pregnancy or childbirth”, blah blah blah. O RLY? Then why did you shaft your own fellow countrywomen (and children), Stevie Peevie? Oh yeah, I know…NO NATURAL DISASTER.

8. And speaking of shafting women, how about the anonymous motherfucker who shat this cowardly screed in the National Pestilence? “Radical feminism…has done untold damage to families”, blah blah blah. “Women’s Studies courses have taught that all women…are victims and nearly all men are victimizers”, blah blah blah. “Women’s Studies activists convinced politicians that family law was too forgiving of men”, blah blah blah. About the only true line in the piece is the last one, which I had trouble getting to because I was too busy cleaning projectile vomit off my monitor. No, we feminists are NOT going away. And when we find out who wrote this piece of shit, we’re gonna give him (for it surely IS a him) holy hell.

(UPDATE: Jezebel concurs with my diagnosis–this is one sad old psychopathic dude, full of whine and bluster about his own lost privileges. Nada más.)

9. David Fucking Horowitz. The irreplaceable historian Howard Zinn is barely in his grave, and look who turned out to piss on it. “Absolutely nothing in Howard Zinn’s intellectual output that is worthy of any kind of respect”, blah blah blah. “A fringe mentality which has unfortunately seduced millions of people”, blah blah blah. Y’know what, Dave? The exact same could be said of you right now, while you are living. No wait, I take that back. You haven’t “seduced” anyone, let alone millions. You’ve got what–all of two dozen followers, all of them fellow overpaid right-wing stink-tankers just like you? It doesn’t get more fringe-y or unworthy of respect than that. No wonder you’re so bitter. You’re bound for the worst fate known to Judaism: to die unremembered. But Professor Zinn, I’m glad to say, has left us a rich legacy, for which he will be honored and loved as long as there’s anyone left who can read. And what he did with it was not “seduce” millions of people with his “fringe mentality”, but fully inform them so that they could in turn formulate their own arguments, independently, to rebut right-wing sausage factories like yourself.

Next time, Dave, pick on someone who can fight back, you fucking coward.

10. Fucking NPR also deserves blame for #9. “Balance and objectivity”, blah blah blah. Where were their balance and objectivity when they produced no fewer than six obits, all laudatory, for William Fucking Buckley–who could, incidentally, be accurately described in the same terms Horowitz used to slam Zinn?

11. David Fucking Brooks. “Force the country to accept common sacrifice”, blah blah blah. “Raise taxes on the lower 98 percent”, blah blah blah. Yeah, great idea…tax those who are already in debt up to their eyeballs paying for the top two percent to go tax-free! Paging Matt Taibbi, we have a weenie seeking another atomic wedgie in Aisle Four…

12. Scott Fucking Roeder. “Children in immediate danger”, blah blah blah. “Doctor killing justified”, blah blah blah. I’m only surprised it took longer for the jury to find him guilty than it took him to say all that ridiculous shit.

13. Rielle Fucking Hunter. “Private and personal”, blah blah blah. “Intimate relationship”, blah blah blah. Look, lady: If you don’t want to be known for all eternity as the woman John Edwards betrayed his cancer-stricken wife with, you can do any one of the following: (a) Don’t be that woman (recommended); (b) don’t get pregnant, or (c) DON’T TAPE THE FREAKIN’ EVIDENCE!

14. and 15. Barbara Fucking Kay and Kathy Fucking Shaidle. All the humorless blah-blah-blah you could possibly stomach, courtesy of Five Feet o’ Fugly (to whom I won’t link, as I refuse to give a platform to mad cow disease). What’s really funny, as one of the Cynic’s commenters points out, is that the former chose the latter’s site to dump on Antonia Zerbisias for saying Fuck and horseshit in a tweet, when Ms. Five-Feet is full of both to the point where even a drunken sailor would find it embarrassing. (Come to think of it, maybe that’s why her site had the dubious honor; the pearl-clutchings of La Kay could not be published in her usual slot at the National Pest because of the Eff Bomb, after all…)

And they think they’re “ladies”? Well, here’s something ladylike for the both of them:

Failing that, I suggest carbolic soap: not for their mouths or their dirty, dirty keyboards, so much as their souls. There’s a whole ‘nother world of fugly in there!

And now, my friends, the moment you’ve all been waiting for. It’s time for the booty call! Bow your heads…or DUCK ’em, as the case may be:

Good night everybody…and wankers, GET FUCKED!