I have a terrible confession for you, folks: I don’t make New Year’s resolutions, and I never seriously did. And no, I don’t think I’m perfect; it’s a custom I just can’t get into. I don’t recommend that anyone else do it either…except maybe these people, who might do a lot better if they’d just resolve to stop being such fucking wankers:1. Brit Fucking Hume. Yeah, great idea, let’s convert Tiger Woods to Christianity. Woo-hoo, “Jimmy Swaggart, Cablinasian Style”! Or, more to the point: Does anyone seriously still believe being “saved” will make any difference, other than to make the sinner more smugly insufferable than he was before? If the mental disciplines of Buddhism couldn’t keep him on the level, I can’t imagine that praisin’ Juheezus–a distinctly unbalanced style, seesawing between sinnin’ and repentin’–would do it any better.2. John Fucking Linder. Wankonomics in a (wing)nutshell: First, cut taxes on corporations. Then, loosen regulations so that they can downsize, outsource, etc. to the point where one in eight US adults, and one in four US children, depends on food stamps for survival. THEN, blame the victims, saying they must not want to work, and propose the “solution” of more tax cuts. To create more jobs. That don’t pay enough to live on. In India, of course.3. Melissa Fucking Clouthier. Alas for the Internets, there is no quarantine for people with a highly contagious case of Teh Stoopid. And no holistic remedies, either. 4. Thomas Fucking McInerney. Srsly, General, you’re a real fuckin’ perv. And you must really WANT blowback badly, if you’re willing to go to such lengths to radicalize an already stigmatized group of people, who feel–not unjustly–that the western world really IS against them. And of course, you would be a FUX Snooze “analyst”. Of course!5. The Fucking Tea Party Gun Nuts. Ugly people in ugly shirts making ugly threats. With loaded weapons. At an ugly, UGLY demonstration. Presumably, this is to give themselves a “positive” image, although how such blatant intimidation can be construed in anything but a negative way is beyond me. Where the fuck were the police? And why were these fucknuts not in a Free Speech Zone?6. Newt Fucking Gingrich. As badly as Obama’s mandate has been botched by concessions and attempts at bipartisanship with these fascistic soreheads and blatant vote-buyers, it’s nothing compared to how badly this wanker and his tea-party brigade are going to lose this year’s midterm elections…and deservedly so. Obama’s ’08 win is actually proof that Newt’s Contract On America was overwhelmingly rejected by the voters, and Newt’s the last one to admit it. He still thinks he stands a chance, bwahaha. What I don’t get is why Obama still thinks any of these people are worth reaching out to. In his shoes, I’d be flipping ’em the bird. Especially for that “corrupted” bit at the end of Newt’s sickly little screed.7. and 8. Gilbert Fucking Arenas and Javaris Fucking Crittenton. Srsly, guys, gambling’s not good for you. Neither is gunplay over a gambling debt. Both make you look like a couple of wankers.9. Robert Fucking Hintze. Who died and appointed this assclown the judge of what’s beautiful and who’s not? Dude, pretty is as pretty does, and your business model is FUG-LY.10. Paul Fucking Hewson, AGAIN. He made more money than any other rocker last year, but he won’t be content until he owns the Internets, it seems. Hey Bono, Courtney Love ate your lunch a decade ago. 11. Andrew Fucking Coyne. Yeah, we’re so apathetic up here in the Great North…that when there’s an avalanche of popular resentment that buries the Conservatives alive, it catches the most apathetic of us–that would be Tory hubris-heads like YOU, Andy–wayyyyyyy off guard. And forces them to eat their words. (Little salt with that? Some pepper, perchance? Spoonful of sugar? Bwahahahahahaha.)12. And while we’re on the subject of hubris, how about that Julian Fucking Fantino? Looks to me like he’s about ripe for an avalanche of popular resentment, himself. My best friend writes:
Funny how Fantino always has something going against minorities. Then it was gays, now it’s Natives. And both groups have long memories when it comes to bigotry and outrage. Karma, baby.13. All these flying fuckers right here. People, don’t check your good sense along with the baggage when you get on a plane. It’s already stressful enough without you.14. Rudy Fucking Giuliani. Now we know he’s senile–he forgets that the biggest terror attack in US history happened on his watch–and Dubya’s. Let’s just throw him in a room with all these other right wing dunces, and watch them fight over who gets to wear the pointy hat. 15. Joe Fucking Lieberman. Approval ratings in the shitter no matter whom you poll? Say it ain’t so, Joe! But don’t worry, there’s a twelve-step program for that:16. Todd Fucking Harris. You know you’re toast when even a fawning opportunistic screamer like Tweety–who spent the majority of the past decade with his lips suctioned onto Dubya’s scrawny little scrotum like a remora–can pwn you. On national TV, yet.17. John Fucking Campbell. Most US marines on shore leave in Australia are thankful that the local girls wear so little. Now, thanks to him, the scantily-clad sheilas going to be avoiding anything in a USMC uniform like it’s radioactive–or liable to lecture them on “standards”. Smooth move, Ex-Lax!18. Sebastián Fucking Piñera. So it’s “not a sin to have worked with Pinochet“? Tell that to the victims of his régime. And this is The Man Who Will Soon Rule Chile! I don’t know him, but that’s all I need to know in order to know that I hate this fucker already.And finally, to the wanking clown who told me to “tone it down”. Dude, if this sad little site is your blog (I looked up the domain name on the e-mail addy you dropped), I can see that you like things deadly dull. But that’s no excuse for insulting me with distinctly unconstructive criticism. I can do without patronizing bores like you telling me (FYI: 99th percentile IQ, member of Mensa throughout university, two degrees, a dozen languages and counting) that I’m “just not bright enough” to have opinions. Good night, and get fucked!UPDATE, 12:46 am: Oh lord, get a load of the Johnny-come-lately from Saskatoon who just jacked off on this thread here. I average at least one personal wanker a week, and the cowards always like to wait until the thread rolls off the front page before they strike. Not a wise move, as you can see–I have no qualms about linking back where and whenever it happens so that everyone else can snicker along at the troll’s expense. BTW, the e-mail addy’s a spoof…this wackaloon is on Shaw cable, IP # 188.8.131.52. (Anyone also wanna lay odds that the electricity he wasted in berating me was generated with nuclear fuel…MINED IN SASKATCHEWAN?)
Fantino is long overdue for a smackdown. Years ago, when he was working in the London Ontario police force, he was the leading man behind a program they had to entrap gay men and put them behind bars. Fantino even crowed about how he got the local newspapers to publish names and photos of the men he’d arrested (regardless of whether they were ever officially charged or found guilty) thus ruining lots of people’s lives. That sort of crap would never be tolerated now — and persecuting a minority group like that would definitely not be permitted either.