Wankers of the Week: The Con is Wrong

I know what you’re thinking, gentle readers…the cons are always wrong. Couldn’t agree with you more there. And who better to illustrate the wrongness of conservatism than this week’s wieners…er, winners…

1. and 2. John Fucking Bracken and Michael Fucking Donison. Shit, why play by the rules and be honest when you’re a federal Tory and, unlike your fund-starved rivals, you’ve got gobs of money to spend on crapaganda? No, better to just label the honest, by-the-book guys as “idiots” and “turds”, even if they’re your own confederates. The mafia-style vendetta you boys carried on is also a nice touch; reminds me of all the bitchy girls I used to loathe in high school. It just really puts the ass in class, you know?

3. The fucking Vatican. Hating on Avatar just because the big blue natives are nature-worshippers? Well, we know just how the Vatican would have made that movie, because we’ve already seen the real-life preview right here on Earth–with conquistadors coming to slaughter them all enslave them rob them blind bring them to the glorious light of Christ.

4. Scott Fucking Brown. Really, what else can you say about conservatism and Family Values when Massachusetts’ top teabagger (and aspirant to the seat the late Ted Kennedy left behind) has posed nude for Cosmo?

5. Anyone in Massachusetts who voted for the Naked Douchebag of 1982 is a fucking wanker, too. (Yes, Curling Iron Cretin, I’m talking about YOU.) Not to worry, he won’t last long in power; that’s obvious. He’s no Ted Kennedy! And meanwhile, let’s hope that the Mass Dems take something constructive away from this royal fuck-up.

6. David Fucking Brooks. Of all the wankish interpretations of why Haiti is in such deep shit right now, this one’s second only to Patwa’s. Claiming that Voudou “spreads the message that life is capricious and planning futile” is not only patently false (and contradicted by this news item), it’s malicious and racist…and of course, it deliberately obfuscates the real reasons why Haiti is in a world of hurt, reasons I’ve been blogging for several days running, not to belabor a point or anything. Now where’d I put my David Fucking Brooks Voodoo Doll™?

7. Diane Fucking Finley. Like the entirety of the Tory minority in Parliament, she’s drawing a full salary for not showing up to work until March. Maybe we, the taxpayers, should make it less lucrative for HER to sit at home not working? Just a thought.

8. Helena Fucking Guergis, AGAIN. No, we are NOT pleased with the prorogation. Maybe you are, but you speak for nobody. And you make one helluva mockery of representative democracy when you project your own nonsense on the voters. I hope your riding trashes you in the next election. Which I’m rather hoping will be soon, even if we are all weary of Harpo’s lame-assed attempts to get the majority he doesn’t deserve and will never have.

9. Joe Fucking Lieberman, AGAIN. You’d think he might learn something from his own unpopularity across the entire political spectrum of Connecticut, but nooooo. Holy Joe thinks he’s the example to follow! Never mind that his take on healthcare reform is based on a complete misreading of the will of the people, who not only wanted reform but wanted it to be radical and public, instead of the compulsory corporatism that was shoved down their throats in the biggest fucking bait-and-switch since Hillarycare. Joe’s one weak teabag. He’s also one big windbag. And one helluva douchebag. Come the next election, he’s gonna wind up looking like a post-party piñata.

10. Ezra Fucking Levant. Being a pompous, bigoted little racist turd isn’t illegal. But blogging malicious lies and innuendo to propagate one’s pomposity, bigotry and racist turdery IS! Gosh, who knew? Uh, lawyers familiar with the concept of libel, that’s who.

11. The Fucking SCOTUS. Corporate personhood is now officially the biggest mistake on the planet, because it has led to the most fucked-up ruling EVER. Yes, it’s now perfectly legal for corporations to buy themselves a government–lock, stock and barrel. AND to call it Freedom of Speech.

12. Tom Fucking Munson. Inscribing gunsights with biblical “codes”. Yeah, that’ll really help win a misbegotten war. Actually, the thing any real Christian would do is melt those fuckers down into plowshares!

13. Charles Fucking Dyer. Not only a teabagging, treason-mongering wanker, but apparently also a child molester. In other words, perverted all around.

14. Glenn Fucking Beck. This much obsession about other people’s private parts…is also perverted as hell. Why do I get the feeling the lunatic teabag-in-chief actually has his own gonads in a vise?

15. Whoever the fuck called Christina Hendricks (and her gorgeous butterscotch dress) “big”. So she’s not a bone rack on heels–big whoop! Isn’t it time the fashion fascists quit harassing women who aren’t on some ditzy-making diet?

And finally, to Bobby from Chicago, IP #99.140.166.3. I’m sure you’re a great journalist already, Bobby–it must be why you offered nothing to my substantial piece in the way of rebuttal. Only patronizing snark. And of course, you did it again, too…under a different name and fake address, and IP#, 99.135.188.84. But the style is still the same.

You’re gonna be one helluva man when you grow up, Bobby, or Barry, or whatever your real name is. Better do it fast, though, because the hot pic you sent me of yourself in action tells me there’s not much time left on your clock…

Good night, Booby–and get fucked!