Wankers of the Week: Unsexy Times edition

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Ah, February…the month of love? Not for these unsexy wankers, and not for me…I have no love for them!

1. and 2. Gwen Fucking Landolt and Jim Fucking Hughes. How can anyone be happy that sexual health care for women is being de-funded? Well, it helps if your name ends in “dolt”. How else would Gwen be dumb enough to think that half the human race is a “special interest group”, while her teensy anti-feminist organization–one dozen strong and not counting–is not?

As for Jim, he forgets that our “demographic crisis” is only a “crisis” if you’re (a) a closet white supremacist, and (b) a sexist ass who thinks it’s women’s sacred duty to shit out white babies for Jeezus. The rest of us understand the value of i-m-m-i-g-r-a-t-i-o-n. Hey, it’s how my parents got here…

3. Deborah Fucking Vinnedge. Who’s dumb enough to think vaccines are made from aborted fetal tissue? She is. Unfortunately, she’s got the species all wrong. But thanks for being so concerned about unborn baby chicks, Debbie!

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4. John Fucking Baird. Dude, you’d feel so much better OUT of the closet. You’d probably look it, too. Don’t you wonder why Scott Brison left the party, BTW?

5. Tony Fucking Blair. The Poodle is still making excuses after all this time about why he bent over and let Dubya bugger him with an imaginary WMD. I don’t know whether to be touched by his loyalty, or just vomit.

5 1/2. Oops, scratch that last sentence. Thanks to Richard Fucking Madeley and HIS touching loyalty (a poodle to The Poodle? Blimey!), my mind is made up. In favor of VOMIT.

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6. Charles Henry Fucking Bennett. Yeah, he’s exactly the kind of person you’d want policing an airport, peering through a “naked scanner” at YOU. Or worse: your teenage daughter. Eeeeeeeeeeek.

7. John Fucking Boehner. So, when WILL it be the “right time” to “debate” a stupid, homophobic military regulation? Here’s an idea I’m sure has never occurred to Mr. Boner: HOW ABOUT ENDING ALL THE WARS? Then the time will be perfect…for scrapping that damn ridiculous thing and ending this bogus “debate” once and for all. And the army will never have to fire another Arabic-speaking translator again.

8. Pam Fucking Tebow. Lying: Not sexy. Lying in an ad to be seen during the Super Bowl: Downright repugnant. Also not likely to make Jesus pick you to be the babymama of his second coming…which your son ain’t, Heisman Trophy notwithstanding.

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9. Mark Fucking Steyn. Why does he hate Muslims? Probably because the latter get more chicks than he does. (And that’s NOT counting those who take the Prophet up on that whole polygamy thing–or those who lust after the 72 white raisins martyrs get in Paradise.)

10. Fucking Harpo. Nothing like dropping poll numbers (all self-inflicted, natch) to make Stevie Peevie do what all dicks do when hit with a sudden wave of cold water…that is, make like an extra belly button.

11. Barbara Fucking Kay. Ignorance may well be bliss, if only because it keeps Babs moaning in an endless loop of wank-gasm while she pulls pearls of unwisdom out her ass. The rest of us, however, are squicked out by the whole obscene spectacle of a woman hating on her own gender SO. DAMN. HARD!!!

12. Glenn Fucking Beck. He had precious few charms to begin with, and now they’re getting OLD. Plus, his hemorrhoid surgery failed to remove a rather large and lumpy object from his rectum–his HEAD.

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13. Roger Fucking Ailes. Fatal Attraction, anyone? I’m expecting to hear any day now that White House security has arrested him in the kitchen, having caught him just as he was about to drop Bo into a stockpot and boil him up for a presidential surprise.

14. Maurice Fucking Vellacott. He really needs to get laid in the worst way, but who’d do the honors? No woman with even a scrap of self-respect, that’s for sure. And Maurice is doing his damnedest to make good and sure that women have not even a scrap of self-respect left, much less the respect of the law. Don’t be too surprised if he tries to get the Personhood amendment of 1929 scrapped while he’s at it.

15. Stephen Fucking Phelan. Not content to meddle with women’s wombs, now he’s fucking with Toys-R-Us. For the record, I own a Ouija board, and it’s never done me a lick of the irreparable spiritual harm these assclowns say it does. All it does is sit on my shelf, gathering dust. That’s because I happen to believe that it’s a tool, not a toy, and I don’t “dabble” with anything–I believe in full immersion. And also that you should never hand your soul over to any evil entity, especially a woman-hating preacher-man.

16. James Fucking O’Keefe, AGAIN. Why do I get the feeling he dressed up as his stereotypical notion of a black pimp because he himself fits the stereotype of a weeny white nerd whose dick is smaller than a little girl’s pinky? All that hate must come from SOMEWHERE, and all signs point in the direction of his crotch. Envy: SO unsexy!

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Even these guys make more convincing pimps, BTW.

17. Fucking Ratzi. Giving everyone equal rights under human law violates natural law, which gives us all equality. So says Pope Hitlerjugend. Illogic: Not sexy either.

18. Sarah Fucking Palin. A retard. No, make that a FUCKING retard. There, somebody finally told the unsexy truth about the Quitbull. Let the baby-shit-flinging begin. (PS: I actually studied Old Norse at university. I can tell you this with absolute certainty: There is no “Trig” in the Norse pantheon, or anywhere else in the nomenclature. If she had actually gotten the name from there, it would have been spelled “Tryggr” or “Tryggur”–and pronounced to almost rhyme with n-i-g-g-e-r.)

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19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Also a fucking retard. Three failed marriages and countless clueless comments: VERY unsexy. (Dressing up like a Russian mafia pimp and swilling Viagra won’t help him there, either.)

20. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Why do I get the feeling that when he says he’s not “comfortable with openly gay people in the barracks”, Billo is actually standing in his shower with his cock in a loofah, wanking wildly at the mental image of two hot ‘mos in uniform bent over a footlocker together while the rest of the troops look on, also wanking?

21. Mackubin Thomas Fucking Owens. Aw, go join Billo in the shower…he’s lonely. It’s not easy being of the unfounded opinion that homophobia is essential to military morale, is it? But hey, at least you guys could have a good wank together and FEEL like The Troops, even if you don’t actually support them.

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And finally, to the crocodile-teary wanker who jacked off on my latest FLFB post, accusing progressives of being as hateful as the conservatives we love to excoriate, and thus responsible for wars and holocausts: Thanks, dude. No, really. Thanks! I sincerely thank you for the effort you expended making that tortured argument. Very thoughtful, since I haven’t had a personal wanker all week until today, and was wondering what I’d do to close out this post on a high note. I appreciate that it’s very hard for you to type more or less correctly while intoxicated. But it doesn’t make you any less of a wanker, when all’s said.

Good night, and get fucked!

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6 Responses to Wankers of the Week: Unsexy Times edition

  1. Jymn says:

    Don’t forget Margaret Fucking Wente for calling global warming a ‘movement’ and then dancing prematurely on its grave.

  2. Jymn says:

    And don’t forget Kate Fucking Zernike of the NYT, acting as stenographer for every fucking stupid lie the baggers say at their fucking ridiculous convention.

  3. Oh yes, they’re both wankers, and VERY unsexy. Duly noted!

  4. Richard says:

    I wonder if Ms. Palin knew that trisomy in sequence chromosome 21 — especially the GGG sequence — is a marker for Downs’ Syndrome. Maybe the kid was named “tri-G”

  5. That’s what Andrew Sullivan thinks, too. She had an amnio, supposedly, so she knew what was coming. Although why she bothered is beyond me–women who would never consider an abortion generally don’t go in for prenatal testing that could lead to miscarriage, as amnios sometimes do. Plus, they’re not supposed to be so curious about what kind of little gift their God is planning to leave them.

  6. Snarla says:

    Where’d you find that old picture of Roger Ailes? He sure looked better back then.

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