Dear Dan Savage…

Dear Dan:

Have I told you lately how much I love and adore you?

In your latest Savage Love column, you wrote in response to a Torontonian reader:

WHEREAS you’re writing from Canada, and WHEREAS my Canadian readers patiently endure my rants about conservative American politicians (like last week’s rant about New Hampshire state representative Nancy “Wiggle in Excrement” Elliott), and WHEREAS my American readers might assume that Canada — where gay marriage is legal, everyone has health care, the boys are hot, and the girls are hotter — doesn’t have any batshit-conservative politicians of its own, BE IT RESOLVED that I will make an effort to write about Canada’s batshit-conservative politicians every once in a while.

No time like the present: I could write about your batshit-conservative prime minister, Stephen Harper, who’s always proroguing the shit out of your parliament. (I don’t know what proroguing is exactly, but like the shit in French on breakfast-cereal boxes, it sounds pretty fucking filthy.) But a better example of conservative batshittery would be Vic Toews. Canada’s unofficial “Minister of Family Values,” member of parliament Toews — surprise! — doesn’t like the gays because we’re a threat to the family and the institution of marriage. Toews has described gay marriage ceremonies as satanic “Black Masses” and insisted that adding gays and lesbians to existing Canadian civil rights statutes would bring the “jackboot of fascism [down] on the necks of our people.”

You know where this is going, right?

It turned out that Toews — who once warned that gay marriage could lead to polygamy — was cheating on his wife of twenty-five years. After getting a much younger woman pregnant, Toews wound up getting divorced. Another marriage destroyed not by gays stomping around in fabulous jackboots, but by another straight “Christian” shitfuck politician slamming his dick into someone who isn’t his wife.

Toews’s affair became public two years ago, but the scandal didn’t destroy him — he became minister of public safety this January — because the Canadian press sniffed that Toews’s affair and divorce were private. Excuse me, Canadian-press pansies, but a politician who scares up votes attacking the private lives of others, a politician who insists that other people are out to destroy his marriage, can’t be allowed to hide behind “my private business!” when it turns out that the only threat to the politician’s marriage was the politician’s own greasy cock.

Here’s hoping that all straight folks everywhere one day realize that anti-gay ravers come in just two flavors: assholes who are externalizing their own internal struggles against homosexual desires (Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Charlie Crist, Joseph Ratzinger, et al.) and assholes who are attempting to compensate for and/or draw attention away from their own moral shortcomings (David Vitter, Mark Sanford, John Ensign, Vic Toews, et al.).

Toews is pronounced “taves,” and it seems to me that it should be a word for something nasty. Get on it, Canada.

Dan, consider it gotten-onto. I’m gonna do my damnedest to think up something nasty yet relevant, perhaps along the lines of Santorum.

And in the meantime, I just wanna say that I don’t care if you ARE gay-gay-gaiety-gay-gay, and I’m a hot Canadian chick; I’d totally jump your bones anytime you ask.

Or, failing that, I’ll just find something nasty to make stick to Vic. I suspect it would make you just as happy, if not more so.

Love ‘n’ mush from another of your Canadian fans,

‘Bina.

PS: Gentle readers, the floor’s open. What horrible, cross-your-legs-and-cringe repugnant peccado do you think a “Toews” should be? Suggestions welcome in the comment slot below…