Stupid Sex Tricks: People who should NEVER write about sex

Jeezuschrist, what is it with right-wing men? Not only are they totally repulsive to look at, they’re also gross when it comes to sex. Somehow, you can just guess it from the way they write about the subject:

“Suddenly the pouting sex kitten gave way to Diana the Huntress. She rolled onto him and was somehow sitting athwart his chest, her knees pinning his shoulders. ‘Tell me, or I will make you do terrible things,’ she hissed.”

–Newt Gingrich, 1945

Cliché, cliché, vagueness, archaism, ouch factor, lame dialogue–in that order. That’s a lot of crappy to pack into just 39 words!

“At age ten the madam put the child in a cage with a bear trained to couple with young girls so the girls would be frigid and not fall in love with their patrons. They fed her through the bars and aroused the bear with a stick when it seemed to lose interest.”

–Irving Lewis “Scooter” Libby, The Apprentice

Kiddie porn, bestiality, unlawful confinement, major MAJOR yuck factor, vagueness (how does one arouse a bear with a stick, other than by poking the poor fella while he’s hibernating?) Also stretches credibility: A bear is far more likely to devour a child than hump her. And since when do prostitutes fall in love with their clients, anyway? Talk about totally extraneous. Libby, you are one sick bastard.

“Tsa Li froze, her lips still enclosing Rand’s glans.”

–G. Gordon Liddy, Out of Control

Mister Penis Head, me love you long time! All of Southeast Asia is just one big bordello to you guys, isn’t it. (Side note: Liddy’s head looks like a…well, guess.)

“Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up.”

“I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on.”

“Cup your hands under your breasts and hold them for ten seconds.”

“Off with those pants.”

–Bill O’Reilly, Those Who Trespass

Why do I get the awful feeling he’s said all those lame things and more in real life?

“She tried to scream. Then another hand rushed to her throat, discovered the top button of her jacket loosened as she had left it, and moved down to force the second button through the eye of her blouse. The hand forced its way under her blouse, moving down. Then the fingers were on her breast, slipping beneath her brassiere, and then pulling out, one hand hitting her throat as the other left her mouth.”

–Marlin Fitzwater, Esther’s Pillow

I’ll bet he wrote all of that one-handed, too. Fucking pervert.

And since the right is big on token women, let’s include one of theirs:

“The women who embraced in the wagon were Adam and Eve crossing a dark cathedral stage — no, Eve and Eve, loving one another as they would not be able to once they ate of the fruit and knew themselves as they truly were.”

–Lynne Cheney, Sisters

And this breathless tripe came out long before her daughter Mary did. Interesting. Makes me wonder if something doesn’t run in the genes after all.

I have only one thing to say to all these people: Please don’t ever write another word about sex. Nobody wants to do you anyway.