Wankers of the Week: Crappy St. Patrick’s Day!

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“They’re after me Lucky Charms!”

Faith and begorra, what a bog-load of crap we have to wade through this week. I was going to write limericks for the occasion, but then I realized I needed a bigger and blunter shillelagh, so I went for prose. No pot of gold at the end of the rainbow for these wankers:

1. Walt Fucking Baker. Oh, come on, admit it–you’re NOT sorry you spammed a “joke” (unfunny, of course) comparing Michelle Obama to a chimp. You’re just sorry your racist stupidity got thrust out into the light of day, where everyone else can see it for what it is.

2. Rahim Fucking Jaffer. It’s not that he wasn’t out on the road, full of booze and blow. It’s not that he didn’t test over the legal blood-alcohol limit. It’s not that the law isn’t strict about those things for the rest of us. But somehow, that’s all okay if you’re a prominent Tory with pots of money and a documented knack for bilocation! (Edit: Heh–thought so. Looks like we have a Wanker #2 1/2 in there, wearing judicial robes.)

Meanwhile, I bet we can find a million Canadians who reject this plea bargain. What say, Canada?

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3. Roy Fucking Ashburn, AGAIN. He was determined not to let being gay interfere with his doing his job in the California legislature? How bleeding noble that sounds…until one remembers that his job was that of a professional homophobe and gay-nay-sayer. Anyone who can’t see a conflict of interest there must need new glasses. And of course, he only saw fit to come out of the closet AFTER the door had been wrenched off its hinges. If that’s not a wank, I don’t know what it is.

4. Sarah Fucking Palin, yet again. Would she please point to the biblical passage where it says that God wrote on his hand? Because I’m having trouble finding it. And how Christian of her and her family to have come sponging off our public healthcare system, only to turn around and tell us to privatize it years later. Either she has no moral compass at all, as my best friend says, or else she does, but it’s gone haywire, because it’s spinning like a fracking propeller.

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(PS: Oh Sawah, maybe you’d like to tell your First Dude to stop taking socialized oil money from Chavecito to finance his pricey hobbies? Just a thought.)

5. Tiger Fucking Woods. Yeah, hiring Ari Fucking Fleischer to be your PR man is brilliant. Worked great for Dubya, too. Remember The Revolution Will Not Be Televised? Remember how Ari lied about the US’s role, which was actually in support of the Venezuelan coup? You’d think that someone as rich and supposedly brilliant in his field as Tiger Woods would know better than to hire the US’s own Baghdad Bob. Guess we all know now just how bright this dude really is.

6. Dick Fucking Cheney. Should be given “a dunk in water” CIA-style to see if he doesn’t find it torture, too.

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7. Chris Fucking Rock. A two-handed butt-grope? That’s just doublepluswankery.

8. Charles Fucking Johnson. Remember Aesop’s fable, “The Bat, the Birds and the Beasts”? Chuck is the Bat. As one pro-war nutter (also a Bat, as you can’t seriously claim to be both liberal AND on the right) who used to read him points out, he changed course right after Obama won. Perhaps a strategic move to shore up his waning popularity and inject (however belatedly) some relevance? I don’t know if he really is as relevant as he’d like to be, large readership notwithstanding. He claims to have quit the Right on the grounds that creationists are crazy, but then he still thinks that the sane, sober, liberal John Kerry would have made a WORSE president than Dubya–who is the creationists’, rapturists’ and teabaggers’ boy? And he still thinks he “exposed” something “false” about Dan Rather’s report on Dubya’s AWOL times (which was, in fact, all true)? Dude, you may not like the radical rightard label, but you still deserve to wear it as long as you defend Dubya on ANY grounds. Your “nuanced” distancing efforts are disingenuous at best. And you are STILL going over the cliff with all the worst of them, like it or not.

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9. Rush Fucking Limbaugh, yet again. Funny how he, like Sarah Fucking Palin, is happy to make use of “socialized” medicine (in Hawaii AND Costa Rica, apparently), while making all his boodle SLAMMING it. I would ask where his sense of shame is at, but I suspect it’s in Costa Rica already, spending all that not-so-hard-earned cash on child prostitutes, Viagra, OxyContin, Vicodin, Lorcet and whatever else takes the Pigman’s self-awareness to oblivion.

(And speaking of which: Heh.)

10. Vic Fucking Toews. This was his “leave Britney alone!” moment, only “Britney” was Rahim Jaffer, and nobody’s gonna leave him, OR the Tory judge who let him off lightly, alone, because it’s a matter of fairness, impartiality of the law, and all that other modern ethical twaddle we’re supposed to suddenly disregard in the name of “good ta
ste” whenever a right-wing politician gets caught. Love how he blames Jaffer’s gaffe (and the Tory judge) on Ontario’s nominally Liberal government. Also love how he slams the media. BTW, Vic, how’re the former mistress and kid?

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11. Adam Fucking Radwanski. Leave Britney alone! Crikey, what a poor choice of unlikely people to find oneself defending there, dude. Next time, pick one who’s actually defensible.

12. Charles Fucking McVety. Newsflash: Democracy means having to live with, and accept the equal rights of, persons unlike yourself. It does not mean that a fundamentalist religious cult gets to make the laws, or that its votes override those of the rest. If that’s a problem for you, Chuck, you’re free to leave Canada anytime, and don’t feel you need to come back. In fact, just go now–we don’t WANT you taking over the PMO with your bullshit.

13. Jim Fucking Flaherty. I hate him even more now than I did last week, if that’s possible.

14. Fucking Harpo ditto. And ditto. And ditto. And (Heil Harper!) ditto.

15. Whoever the fuck is responsible for this incredibly racist ad. Do I have to dig out what gets done on the Prairies almost as a matter of grim routine in the wintertime?

16. Helena Fucking Guergis. Even her party co-religionists don’t all think she’s entitled to act all, well, entitled. Figures that she’s married to Wanker #2, who is also an entitled little shit. And what the fuck is THIS?

And people wonder what I have against beauty pageants, and why I don’t trust women who get ahead on the basis of that. Yeah, I wonder too. I also wonder what happened to the rest of this clip. It sounds absolutely fascinating!

17. Liz Fucking Cheney. A chip off the old block, you say? Yeah, and the old block’s pure merde. So nice to see they’re keeping the US “safe” by invoking fascism for realz.

18. Gabriele Fucking Amorth. Why does the Devil keep making all these holy churchmen at the Vatican suck homosexuals’ cocks, and vice versa? I dunno, but let’s keep up that vow of celibacy. It sure seems to be working great.

19. Kevin Fucking Garn. One public humiliation (richly deserved!) coming right down.

20. Eric Fucking Massa. Or should I say “fracking”? Whatever. It’s hard to hear just what he’s saying with all those dicks in his mouth.

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And finally, to Mike Fucking Hanson, yet again. Dude, when I said “make yourself scarce around here”, I did not mean “lie low for a couple of days, and then come back and bullshit me some more”. I meant begone, before someone drops a house on you.

Good night, and get fucked!

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