Wankers of the Week: March Hare edition


What mad tea party is this? Oh, just the sort of thing one finds if one is in the habit of falling down rabbit holes once a week, looking for wankers. In which case, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s whose heads your Queen takes off this week…

1. Nicole Fucking Jalbert. Is there any sound reason why the access-to-information director of our national spy agency is denying access to information about people long since dead and gone? No. But that doesn’t stop her from doing it. How long ago are we talking about? Google the terms “Louis Riel” sometime and tell me. Hundred-year secrecy is as nutty as hundred-year wars, don’t you think?

2. Peter Fucking Worthington. If you criticize what the Canadian Armed Forces are doing in Afghanistan–not only torturing prisoners themselves, on behalf of CSIS (whose presence in Afghanistan is confirmed, by the way) but also handing them over to the slimy Afghan “authorities” to be tortured–then, according to Mr. UnWorthy, you’re a Taliban sympathizer, if not Taliban yourself. Talk about a broad brush…

But hey: Peter’s fair game for a few broad brushstrokes himself. Since he came out in favor of apartheid back in the day, we can safely and rightly tar him with the brush of white-supremacist fascism, can we not? Especially since there is so much other evidence to support the charge. Just look at all the august company he keeps…


3. and 4. Rielle Fucking Hunter and John Fucking Edwards. Two complete wankers who completely deserve one another. Everyone else around them, however, does not deserve the embarrassment these two cheating liars have wrought. (And speaking of embarrassing, check this out. Be sure to keep a barf bag handy.)

5. Helena Fucking Guergis. Sheer comedy gold: “working hard” to wangle yourself a perma-post on this wank-list. Throw me in a big fake cheque with a big blue C on it, and you got yourself a deal, Helena Handbasket, baby! (PS: Oh, sweet Jesus.)

6. And speaking of hard-working SupposiTories, how about that Vic Fucking Toews? No, seriously. Stop laughing. How about him? When he’s not busy slamming the “Liberal ideologues” of the media for daring to question Rahim Fucking Jaffer’s slap-on-the wrist, or for their total compliance in not making an issue of his “traditional family values” mistress (whom he has since made “honest”, in true prairie shotgun style), he’s crazy busy throwing photo-ops for “plans” neither he, nor anyone else in the SupposiTory cabinet, actually set in motion. Phew. Give that man a ShamWow for his brow! And don’t miss his latest hilarious photo-op!


(No, I did not draw this. Slap Upside the Head did.)

7. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. Gay rights lead to man-on-horse marriage? I bet Neal Mule-Fucking Horsley would be very interested in that!

8. Sarah Fucking Palin, yet again. Any other Canadians out there find themselves half wishing that when her parents “hustled us across the border” for free, socialized healthcare, they had faced a REAL death panel…and lost?

9. Virginia Fucking Thomas. Yes, Virginia, Clarence “Uncle” Thomas has a beard wife. And she’s a teabagger. How she squares that overtly racist association with her husband’s complexion, I do not know. My humble guess is she “enjoys motor homing” so she doesn’t have to interact with him too much.


Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

10. Fucking TMZ. Yes, NAAFA is a real group. It’s also been around a damn sight longer than this snotty, patronizing gossip site. Oh, and when a commercial weight-loss SCAM company tries to target someone for their marketing strategy, that is not “reaching out”, it’s ANNOYING. Just because someone is fat doesn’t mean she’s fair game for any asshole out there trying to make a buck. And it certainly doesn’t mean the asshole is an altruist!

11. And speaking of big fat assholes, we also have Howard Fucking Stern. Officially wrong, officially irrelevant, officially jumped the shark. He may work again, but for how long? Oh, let’s have a little fun speculating at HIS expense, for a change!

12. Lindsey Fucking Graham. Been hitting the saké a little hard, Senator? Because I see a suicide pilot hitting a wall here, and he’s neither Democratic nor Japanese!

13. Erick Fucking Erickson. Right-wing male chauvinist wankers: one more reason to avoid the Chicken Noodle Network, the second-least trusted name in news (as if you needed one.) And a face for radio, too–not that anyone would want HIM on their dial. Way to lose more than half your viewership, Chicken Noodles. How far down in the ratings did you say you were, again?


14. Karl Fucking Rove. “Proud of waterboarding”? Somehow I’m not surprised. Maybe he, like #13, is compensating for something.

15. Mike Fucking Duffy. Yeah, I learned critical thinking at journalism school too, and an important part of my learning came from Noam Chomsky. Not because my j-school profs were particularly liberal or leftist (I couldn’t tell who was what, and didn’t care in any case); it was because Noam Chomsky wrote the book and made the film on how the news media generate insidious propaganda on behalf of ruling parties, be they government, business or some monstrous hybrid of both. And because Chomsky–a linguist, not a journalist–showed clearly how the language of propaganda works. If critical thinking + Chomsky = disdain for capitalism, too fucking bad; anyone who can think critically would develop a healthy skepticism for capitalism even without Chomsky’s help in decoding the crapaganda. It’s critical thinking, not Chomsky, that’s the real problem for Puffy because, as a blatantly biased conservative “journalist”, he’s not interested in accurate and honest reporting, but in the usual “fair and balanced” FUX Snooze shit. That’s the easy, lazy way to do it, the way Puffy’s done all his career: no critical thinking, just spout whatever the press release says, do a little he-says-she-says, and lean hard to the right. Anything that leads to criticism and debunking of that is a direct threat to Puffy himself, and to his (considerable) bread and butter. And judging by his padding, he hasn’t received many dents at all from the “school of hard knocks” of which he so patronizingly speaks. The funniest part, though, comes when an instructor from the very college Puffy criticizes…debunks him on every count.

16. David Fucking Bradley. Another “fair and balanced” bullshitter, this time regarding education. Autopwnage with a vengeance: The Texas educational system is now officially the laughingstock of the western world.


17. Jim Fucking Bunning. The filibuster must die, and senile brain-rot won’t claim that antidemocratic excrescence’s worst abuser soon enough, either. Canada doesn’t give a shit if he “agrees” with our anti-tobacco laws or not; he can’t change them from where he sits, and if he tries, he’s fucking insane. (Well, he is anyway. Which ought to be grounds for his removal from the US senate. Last time I looked, a mental breakdown was grounds for removal from a public office.)

18. Josef Fucking Ratzinger. Now we know why Cardinal Hitlerjugend got himself pope-ified: so he could have permanent “diplomatic” immunity from prosecution for his role in the cover-up of clergy sex abuse scandals spanning the entire freaking globe, dating back to his time as chief inquisitor and earlier. (PS: What Sinéad said!)

19. All these teabagging motherfuckers right here. I hope they’re proud of their “anticommunism” today. If they had any real morals or values, they would be ashamed of what they did to this man, who used to be a nuclear engineer and a professor (and probably way more productive, when healthy, than all of them put together). But they’re proud of their stinking, flyblown vileness. Hence, their slot on this list.


20. Jim Fucking Abbott. Filibustering, basically, against a grieving widow for whose widowhood his government is indirectly responsible–in Parliament? How fucking low can you go?

21. Luís Fucking García Fucking Mesa. Why the double Fucking? Because that’s what he’s done to Bolivia. He’s in the jailhouse now, but has been slow to get the message that prison for crimes against humanity is supposed to be hard time. Fortunately, the authorities investigated Chonchocoro Prison, which is where the ex-dictator now resides, and learned that his conditions were a veritable Club Fed. His accommodations have now been changed to suit his stature…that of a maggot, of course.

22. Branko Fucking Marinkovic. How’s that name pronounced? BAWWWWK-buk-buk-bk-bk-bk-b’GAWWWWK!, approximately. Still taking bets as to where this wad of terrorist scum will wash up when he finally resurfaces. Miami? Lima? Washington, DC? Place your bets, ladies ‘n’ gents, ’round ‘n’ ’round he goes, where he stops nobody knows…


23. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Widows and orphans? The Pigman doesn’t give a shit for them. Stands to reason: He just can’t seem to stay married, and despite all his sermons on Family Values, he has never managed to produce a child. So of course, he has no empathy for the spouses and children others leave behind when they have no insurance to cover their medical treatments.

24. John Fucking Sheehan. Yeah, I bet the Dutch military is really impressed with your homophobic “explanation” for their failures in Bosnia. Fucking wanker!

25. Jean-Pierre Fucking Blackburn. Forgetting an airline-safety reg, however stupid, which you yourself announced when it became law? Dumb. Losing your shit when you had to give up the bottle of tequila, worm and all? Schadenfreude-worthy. Now you know how the rest of us feel about these idiotic rules–only we don’t get to lose our shit because we’re not prominent Tories. We have to suck it up. Time you Tories did the same!


And finally, to the antidemocratic bureaucrats of our lovely Local Health Integration Network: How much did you get in exchange for cutting outpatient rehab, diabetes education,
and 26 hospital beds in a growing community with a substantial tax base, anyway? Whatever it is, it’s too much. All those services are still necessary, but you are not. Too bad we, the citizens, didn’t get to vote on the issue ourselves; we’d have made a better decision than you did, and we’d have done it for free. One retired healthcare worker summed it up nicely when she said, “They feel our concern but they don’t give a shit.” That’s because you don’t have to; you’re not being paid to care, you’re being paid to cut. That way, presumably, expensive private healthcare would look more attractive to an already overstretched public, the majority of whom can’t afford to be that kind of consumers. You forget who really pays your salaries. If we got to vote on whether you stay or go, it would be unanimous–and it wouldn’t be in favor of the former!

Good night, and get fucked.

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