Wankers of the Week: Crappy Easter!

Looks like chocolate bunnies aren’t the only things I’m gonna be taking big bites of this weekend. Guess who’s getting butthurt this week, kids…yup, it’s a whole nest of wankers!

1. Daniel Fucking Katsnelson. As if having the gall to go raping his way through a university dorm with a buddy wasn’t enough, how’s this for chutzpah at his criminal trial?

“Now maybe she will know to keep her doors locked,” Daniel Katsnelson said in a statement read Friday in court.

He said he “hoped the victim would be able to take away something positive from this,” Crown attorney Andrew Locke quoted Katsnelson in reading from a pre-sentencing report.

Dude, how ’bout you and your fucking pal take away one positive thing from this–like being thankful none of those women went after your ‘nads with a knife? That would teach you to keep them out of rooms where you didn’t have any right to be. Because that’s what you’d have gotten if you’d assaulted me. And that’s what I hope you get when you get out again.

2. Nick Fucking Levasseur. Dude, if it weren’t for the US presence in Japan, they probably wouldn’t even have anime. You might as well wish your country had nuked itself instead. The Japanese undoubtedly do.

3. Michelle Fucking McGee. Yes, she makes the list again this week, this time for misplaced self-righteousness and sheer asininity. “Let him who is without sin cast the first stone”? Well, all right. Since I don’t chase married sleazeballs, don’t have Nazi tattoos (or any other kind, for that matter), don’t use children’s fridge magnets to spell out white-supremacist sayings to warp young minds (I don’t even have kids!), don’t earn my money through shakedowns, and above all, don’t sulk and pout over the backfiring of a scheme gone agley (because I don’t scheme), well–I’m a-castin’. PS: Nice tweeter handle, Michelle–it suits you. PPS: Nice disingenuousness, too.

4. Michael Fucking Steele. Bad enough that the RNC’s Uncle Tom likes to go to bondage-themed strip joints on the donors’ dime, but did you know he was into scapegoating, too? That’s seriously kinky. No wait, make that PERVERTED. Even kinky people find him nauseating. And what’s this I hear about a phone sex line?

5. John Fucking Ivison. Sexist much? I’m no big fan of Blondoleezza, but I don’t see you snarking at any male politicians who “harangue” their wives. Maybe because men haranguing women is so, um, normative. How ’bout criticizing Hillary Clinton on legitimate grounds, for a change–like her inept continuation of BushCo’s foreign policy?

6. The Fucking Fraser Institute. Climate change is really happening, and yes, human activity is to blame–but guess who Big Oil and Big Pollution are paying to issue elaborate denials of the blindingly obvious? Yep, the usual right-wing bête noire. There are no words to express the depths of my loathing.

7. Sarah Fucking Palin. If the bloggers’ rumors are true, then yet another of her charmingly named offspring has demonstrated, once more, the kind of moral character that comes of a conservative mother’s tutelage. Namely, one that is very adept at covering up for one’s multitude of sins.

And of course, we just love those conservative values, which were so evident already when the Paliness herself was but a young slip of a thing…I mean, would Jesus want his mother to go around in a shirt like this?

8. Helena Fucking Guergis, yet again. What is it about her that inspires such touching loyalty in her staffers that they roll out the Tory-blue astroturf for this woman? I have no idea, but if she bottled it, I bet she could make a fortune from fellow Tories with a long trail of stench to cover up…like, say, Harpo’s ideological penchant for making women, especially those at the bottom of the totem pole, totally invisible.

9. Aubrey Fucking Levin. I hope he goes to jail for the rest of his unnatural life, and I hope he gets lots of electroshock while he’s there. To his genitals. That is, when he’s not locked up with a big gay black dude who’s totally hot for his saggy old bod.

10. Whoever the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to go tasering pregnant women just for failing to sign a parking ticket. Another stun-gun to the genitals, coming right down!

11. Whoever the fuck thinks a “game” based around rape (as retaliation for an imaginary accusation of molesting girls on a train) is just harmless fun and should not be subject to crackdown.

12. Jean Fucking Charest. Isn’t it embarrassing when even arch-conservative Alberta is an easier province to be a Muslim woman in a niqab than the presumably liberal Québec?

13. Ross Fucking Douthat. Yes, let’s blame everyone in the Catholic sex-abuse scandal EXCEPT those who are actually guilty–namely the priests who did it. As though sex abuse didn’t happen BEFORE there were hippies, promiscuity, Vatican II, psychotherapy, and all that other unrelated stuff that conservatives so love to blame for the “moral decline” which, in fact, was there from the very beginnings of the church. When will we hear patriarchy and its absurd, obscene power-lusts blamed? Ross? Ross?

14. Tina Fucking Stone. Next time, before whipping yourself into a frenzy over any given bill, how about reading it first? Or is comprehension too much to ask of the inbred yokels of the backwoods?

15. Alex Fucking Knepper. Because drunken college women apparently just rape themselves. And because assholish frat boys would never get laid unless some girl looked at them through beer goggles. Yeah, Alex, you’re gonna be really popular on campus for your little squib there. Better pray nobody bobbits you while under the influence. Because if anyone did, I’d say YOU asked for it. And if you don’t like my saying that, then get it through your young, dumb head: RAPE IS NOT SEX, IT’S VIOLENCE. AND THERE IS NO SUCH FUCKING THING AS “IMPLIED CONSENT”!!! You say you wanted clarity? There it is, straight from a woman. Now STFU!

16. Jean-Claude Fucking Rochefort. Excuse me, but how is calling for the murder of women on your shitty blog NOT misogyny? Idolizing a mass-murderer of women is “not a danger to women”? If that’s not, then what is? Let’s face it, “masculinism” is nothing but a clumsy, graceless eupehemism for a fucked-up hatred of all things female.

And no, feminists did not “make a hero of” Marc Lépine. He was never a hero to anyone…except fucked-up male chauvinists who would like nothing more than to see women disappear from the public sphere. In other words, assholes like Rochefort.

17. and 18. Hélène Fucking Morin and Guillaume Fucking Langlois are also complicit in this bullshit. Anti-hate laws don’t protect women because we’re not a minority? WTF??? Women may not be a minority, but we ARE the largest group discriminated against in this country. We are also the largest group to be murdered simply for being born members of a group. Fuck you both for helping to perpetuate gender-based killings, you walking embarrassments to society.

19. David Fucking Brooks. Way to offer false dichotomies. But only to women, naturally. Sexist much? Here’s the choice I’d make, Brooksy–if it had to be between my career and some douchebag with a madonna-whore complex who thinks I should stay home and suck his cock all day, I’d pick career…and then go find a good-looking guy who would love me all the more for pursuing that, and isn’t so goddamned insecure about his manhood. Suck on THAT!

20. Paul Fucking Crouch, Jr. Heterosexism, homophobia, porn, indecent advances…and heaven only knows what else. How Christian!

21. Jack Fucking Cassell. I predict that this one will soon be known as “Jack Asshole”, or just plain old “Jackass”. Should have his medical licence revoked. Capitalism is a violation of the Hippocratic Oath!

22. Jesse Fucking James. Shock value, schmock value. If it dresses like a white supremacist, salutes like a white supremacist and schtups a white supremacist, quack quack quack!

23. Raniero Fucking Cantalamessa. Bad enough that the Vatican can’t police their own, preferring to sweep clerical sexual abuse under rug after rug after rug. But even worse? They claim that they’re being persecuted when their unclean sweeping habits get criticized. Persecuted like whom? The Jews. Oh no they didn’t! Oh yes, they did. And the Jews are not impressed.

24. Bill Fucking Donohue. Blaming Teh Ghey–it’s how Catholics cover up their multitude of sins. Because straight men never abuse girls, especially not if they’re priests and the girls are parishioners–right?

25. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. False equivalence–it’s how the Right covers its multitude of sins. Because the Left has done all those same awful terroristic things that have made the news in the US lately. RIGHT?

26. and 27. Sean Fucking Hannity and Ollie Fucking North. Twenty years ago, Ollie got caught in a lie. Twenty years later, he’s still lying. And neither he nor Hannity support the troops in any real sense. In fact, they’re both still doing what they do best: robbing them blind like the fucking charlatans that they are. Hey Ollie, maybe you can get Fawn Hall to smuggle the evidence out in her skirt like she did last time she took a bullet for you, you fucking scumbag.

28. Sam Fucking Kennedy. A “war college strategy” that purports to take over the nation without civil war? Um, FAIL. This “Guardians of the Free Republics” shit is just more crazy-ass anti-tax Freeperville bullshit, mutated. If they claim to have military backing, their intentions are not peaceful, but rather, their statements are a veiled threat. Do they seriously think the people of the US are onside, much less willing to let their strange strategy go down without a fight? Of course they aren’t, damn right they won’t, and that’s why the FBI and the DHS are probing them as a potential terrorist threat.

29. Ewart Fucking Cummings. The least you could do, when a teenage girl dies as a result of your benighted efforts to cure her convulsions through superstition, is to be humble and admit that you were wrong, and not say dumbass things like “I did nothing wrong,” and “Ungodly people would not understand certain things like driving out spirits.” Dude, the girl is dead, and your ignorance and superstition are responsible for her death! It seems to me that the one who does not understand is YOU.

30. Terry Fucking Lakin. Another doctor gone bad. Joining the Birthers and defying military orders? Wank, wank, WANK. Tell ya what, why don’t you produce YOUR birth certificate? That might inject some levity, if not relevance.

And that’s it for this week; no personal wankers, what a relief. After all this wankage, I think I’d end up looking like this if one of those came along:

Good night, and Crappy Easter!