Wankers of the Week: Holy Terrors edition

Holy terrors, holy mo,

Forty fuckers in a row!

Hear ’em holler, blast and blow–

No more intro now, let’s go!

1. Celestino Fucking Migliore. Yes, let’s ignore all the celibates raping all the kiddies, and fixate on the alleged slowdown in population growth instead. To a rational person, this slowdown is GOOD news, because there are already too many humans, and they’re fucking up the planet big-time. But not to the Holy See (which should be called the Holy Blinkers, if truth in advertising were applied to it). No, the archbishop says people should be reproducing like rabbits to stave off an economic collapse. I guess he forgets what helped bring the current one about. Get it through your head, dude: We owe crapitalism nothing. And no one has the right to tell us to churn out more babies to be fed into its meatgrinder.

2. and 3. Dario Castrillon Hoyos and Pierre Pican. The latter fails to denounce a pedophile priest and have him defrocked and imprisoned; the former applauds him for it. How fucked up is THAT? To most of us, plenty. To the Vatican, meh…it’s all in a day’s work to cover up, cover up, cover up, up, UP.

4. Richard Fucking Williamson. It’s hard to see how anyone could deny what is so widely acknowledged (and documented) to be real. But logic has never stopped anti-semites from denying the obvious, because they simply don’t have it. Still, the Vatican hasn’t done anything about him, so draw the appropriate conclusion.

Deny this, asshole. Oh that’s right, it never happened. No pictures exist!

5. Kazem Fucking Sedighi. Catholic clerics aren’t the only ones who lack logic, or who tie the most unrelated phenomena together. Iranian mullahs are just as capable of bat guano. Which is why this one, rather than learning some basic science, would prefer to blame “immodest” women for earthquakes and just ignore all the active fault lines running through the land.

6. and 7. Scott and Renee Fucking Baio. I never did like Chachi (he always struck me as the most annoying and superfluous character on Happy Days), and now I know why. Bet Scott’s resentful that he’s still living on the residuals from that show, having never succeeded at another major thing in his life. No wonder he wants to keep it all to himself, the lazy wanker. His wife’s also a real, homophobic piece of shit (and no, I don’t mean work—I mean SHIT.)

Best comment at Jezebel: “Can anyone remind me why we’re supposed to care what Scott Baio thinks of us again? This is probably more publicity than he’s gotten in the last decade.” Yep, that about sums it up.

PS: Oh, sweet Jeezus!!! PPS: Canadian prices are higher due to exchange rates, not socialized medicine, you dumb fuck. But even if your kooky assertion were true, it would still be a better bargain than what you’re paying for.

Now you know why I’m not on the tweeter. It’s because SCOTT FUCKING BAIO RUINED IT!!!

8. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. No sense apologizing, we all saw what you did there. And there, too. Asshole.

9. Nathan Fucking Coffey. Excuse me, who wants “free money” again? This woman’s late husband worked hard for the pittance he got in the Massey coal-hole, and this ‘winger from a stink-tank–funded by the coal industry–dares to insinuate that she’s a gold-digger? For seeking compensation for her husband’s wrongful death? Where does this fucking man-whore get off…?

10. Larry Fucking King. Now we know why he’s divorcing for the eighth time (or is it the ninth? So hard to keep track!): Gotta make room for Mrs. Next. Who happens to be the sister of the current (but not for long) Mrs. King. Word to the wise, sister: If he left her for you, he’s gonna leave you for the next one. And don’t let that wrinkly old face fool you; this Methuselah will probably outlive all his significantly younger significant others.

“I’m ‘enry the Eighth, I am, I’m ‘enry the Eighth, I am, I am. I got married to the widow next door, she’s been married seven times before. And every one was an ‘enry…so it’s ‘enry the Eighth, I am, I am–‘ENRY THE EIGHTH I AM! (Second verse! Same as the first!)”

Ahem. Sorry.

11. David Fucking Miliband. What good is a pep talk on “great British spirit” if hotels are gouging travellers stranded by the volcanic eruption in Iceland? How about showing some spirit yourself, minister, and cracking down on the gougers instead of telling the stranded to fend for themselves? Or is that too much greatness for you?

12. Megyn Fucking Kelly. Marry Sean Fucking Hannity and have sex with Blotchy Fucking Billo? Look, I don’t care if it was a game. The only proper answer, in the case of all three, was KILL!!!

13. Sue Fucking Lowden. Yeah, I’m sure my doctor would just LOVE to take a chicken in lieu of billing my provincial health plan. I’m sure she would just LOVE to kill and pluck it herself, too. What century is this woman living in? Clearly she yearns for the days when even a chicken was more than some people owned, and those who couldn’t afford a doctor just curled up and died like good little peons, clearing out the useless eaters and making room for the next crop of excess births.

14. Jonathan Fucking Kay. He can’t
be bothered to pick up a phone or a newspaper, or log onto the Internet. If he did, he might realize that Antonia Zerbisias didn’t “lose a column”, she was promoted to the Features department at the Toronto Star, where she now has a greater opportunity to help other “radical leftist” (really, just plain old liberal) voices get heard. Bad, lazy, overly speculative “journalism” (really, just plain old fiction) that can’t be bothered to get even a basic detail right–is it any wonder the National Pest, supposedly a daily, is bleeding red ink (and not even publishing on Mondays anymore)?

Oh, and get this. Look at the URL in the linky: “…another-shrieking-voice”. SHRIEKING? Well, the National Pest would certainly know from that–its columnists do it constantly. And so do the trolls who squat in its comments sections.

PS: WTF?

PPS: Oh, let us pray!

15. The Fucking State Legislature of Arizona. Did you know it’s illegal to appear Mexican in that border state? Yep, institutionalized racism is back, assuming it ever left. Between this latest insanity and that of their gun laws, I can just see lynchings and execution-style shootings becoming commonplace. And surely it will only be a malign coincidence that all the victims will have Spanish names, black hair, dark eyes and brown complexions!

16. Alfred Fucking Mackey. Yeah, great idea–have everyone running around armed and paranoid, while the local police get cut and cut and cut, instead of being properly funded so they can do their job. (Corporations must have their tax breaks, after all!) This is “small government” for you, with a vengeance. And in the end, it could turn into small populace, too. I’m with Bart: if you don’t believe in government, move to Somalia, which is government-free. And good luck to you, whitey.

17. And while we’re on the theme of big guns and small government, how about Charles Fucking Riley? His “solution” to the problem of underfunded police and prisons: Get a shotgun and be sure to kill criminals. That way, everyone gets to be a murderer, oh joy! Shoot, who needs cops or jails anymore?

18. John Fucking Nolte. Let’s let him explain why he and his ilk are all such fucking wankers:

We’re dumb, we’re racist… blah, blah, blah.

There you have it, folks, straight from the horse’s ass. Thanks, John!

Oh, and here’s some more fun. Enjoy bad writing and worse thinking:

You can cut our taxes to zero — hell, you can gift us with millions in union bribes and make-work jobs — but for as long as this socialist rampage rampages on, I and every member of the Tea Party will be back, right here fighting you every inch of the way and counting down the days until November of 2010 and 2012.

Wow, what rampage-rampaging bombast. Does he have any idea how stupid he sounds, blowing that crypto-racist dog-whistle? Anyone who knows what socialism actually is, knows that Obama’s no socialist (although socialists like me wish he were one; the US could use a good socialist president, instead of an endless array of corporatist lapdogs whose only distinction appears to be whether they wear red or blue collars.) Meanwhile, let’s have a poignant reminder of what zero taxes would not give these spoiled wanks:

Zero roads, zero public infrastructure, zero electricity, and zero public order. Your zero tax dollars at work, zero-brains!

19. And yes, these fucking wanks ARE racist.

20. Sarah Fucking Palin. What is it this week? Oh yeah, she’s a Prayer Warrior. Also dork-sadded.

21. Howard Fucking Kurtz. Mindless turd starts out all right…

The political finger-pointing over the Oklahoma City tragedy began even before all the victims had been buried.

…but then he veers off course. The finger-pointing that started immediately after the bombing of the Murrah Building in OKC was at Muslims! And it came largely from the right-wing whores of the media. Disingenuous of Howie to forget that, but then again, he’s one of them. So of course he’ll write “fair and balanced” drivel like this, instead…

Inflammatory rhetoric can be dangerous. There is no shortage of nuts out there. And yet if we tar with too broad a brush, we unfairly taint those who stridently criticize the administration in power as being somehow responsible for violence. Why did that pilot, ticked off at the Internal Revenue Service, fly his plane into the IRS building in Austin? Is it fair to blame an incident like that on cable or radio talk shows?

There is no question that the Murrah Building bombing helped revive Clinton’s political fortunes. He was down in the polls after the GOP takeover of Congress. The day before, he was reduced to proclaiming that the president was still “relevant.” Clinton’s skillful handling of that moment of national grief sparked the beginning of a turnaround. I don’t believe he attacked those who “spread hate” just to score political points, but the benefits of going after right-wing talkers can’t have escaped the White House.

…which is pure, irresponsible apologia for those he knows, in his heart, to be behind the latest wave of right-wing, white, Christian domestic terrorism. Just as they were in OKC fifteen years ago.

You whited sepulchre, Howie.

22. Scott Fucking Brison. Yes, he’s back on the shit list, and for the same reason as first time: his irrational bullishness (and bullshit) regarding Colombia. When 75% of the world’s trade union deaths over the past year come from one country, you just know that country has a MAJOR labor-relations problem. Crapitalism isn’t working out well, so now they’re resorting to murder. But hey, why bother with trivial matters like that? Look over there–big bad Chavecito! Boogaboogabooga!

Oh, shut UP, Scott. You know damn well that Chavecito habitually takes the unionists’ side (recent, representative example here), and hasn’t murdered a one. So hold your damn fool tongue. And quit hanging out with the Colombian oligarchs. You’re an embarrassment to Canada already. Do you want to become a liability, too? Tory Lite does not a good Liberal make.

23. John Fucking Ensign. I shall endeavor to squeeze out a few small crocodile tears…damn…sorry, I can’t. He thoroughly deserves his ignominious come-uppance. Would that all the C Street bastards got such a spectacular one.

24. Charles Fucking McVety. Newsflash: There’s nothing wrong with being gay, and neither is there anything wrong with teaching kids as early as possible to understand and accept this fact. It might even prevent “gay” being used as a playground insult, something I’m sure chafes Chuck’s ass pretty damn bad…

This is probably the only “education” on sexual orientation that he would accept.

25. Clay Fucking Yarborough. He says he’s uncomfortable with gays and Muslims holding public office in Florida? Well, I am uncomfortable with bigoted fucking idiots holding public office ANYWHERE. Gee, Clay, connect the fucking dots!

26. John Fucking Roberts. Remind me again: How did someone so blindingly ignorant even pass his law school entrance exams, much less become the “learned” chief justice of the SCOTUS? I’ve never used a pager, and yet even I know the difference between it and e-mail!

27. Elie Fucking Wiesel. Wanktimonious wankitude can strike anywhere, anytime…but in Jerusalem, it strikes almost continuously. And the people who live there are getting damn sick and tired of it, even if it does come from be-medalled “human rights” (note quotes) fronters.

28. The Fucking State Senate of Oklahoma. Did no one ever tell them that for a woman who is pregnant as a result of rape, a forced vaginal ultrasound is exactly like being raped all over again–or do they know, but just not care? Ditto all the collection of private data. Yeah, tell me again that your “pro-life” laws aren’t really just all about corralling and slut-shaming the women. This is so going to a courtroom challenge, kiddies.

29. Jimmie Fucking Walker. And believe me, it took everything I had not to spell his last name W-A-N-K-E-R. Anyone who thinks the notably racist Coultergeist is dyn-o-mite is a servile fool. And one big tool.

30. Scott Fucking Roeder. Can’t do the time? Don’t do the crime. And don’t fucking whine!

31. Don Fucking Blankenship. Yo, asshole: You own the coal company, not the employees. And you do NOT have the right to deny them time off to attend their buddies’ funerals (which you really ought to pay for, by rights, since you are responsible for their deaths.) Intimidation is an ugly word, as are the words mafia boss, but I think there’s more than enough justification for using them here.

32. Fucking Standard and Poors. What’s this about Massey Coal stock being a “buy”? Are you people out of your friggin’ minds? Do you want to encourage bad corporate governance? Or do you just not give a shit what they do, as long as it makes money (for someone other than workers)

33. Fucking WellPoint. Way to make the case for single-payer healthcare, or socialized medicine–on the backs of women with breast cancer!

34. Thomas Fucking Paprocki. Well, this is original: when looking for people to blame amid all the Catholic sex scandals, why bother blaming the perps? Just lay it on the original scapegoat–SATAN!

35. The fucking settlers of Gush Etzion. Pumping raw sewage into the vineyards of Palestinian farmers whose sole livelihood is those vines, is just fucking disgusting. And yes, all the settlers are to blame; that shit came from all of them, no matter who was the coward that opened the valve.

36. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Of course he thinks Bill Clinton bombed OKC. Why not? He’s the Pigman, he gets to come up with whatever cockamamie conspiracy theories he likes. And of course, to put the blame where it belongs would be to point the finger back at himself and his own fascist ilk.

37. Terry Fucking Lakin. Birther faces court martial. About fucking time, too.

38. Mike Fucking Huckabee. Children are not puppies? Well, duh. So who said gays adopt just because they want pets? My gay best friend and his partner have two sons, a cat, and a dog. I’d say they know full well how to distinguish between a pet and a person!

39. Kevin Fucking Gaudet. The truth is too “inflammatory” for some pissy little wimps out West to handle? Too fucking bad! Reality is not going to retailor itself to fit conservatives’ “standards”.

40. Paul Fucking Elam. Newsflash: A male-to-female sex change is NOT “castration”. There is a lot more to it than just “a pathological hatred of a particular sex, in this case male”, and it is NOT the product of a mental illness, either. And “male studies” is not an “unwanted penis”, it’s the academic glorification of institutionalized sexism. But I don’t expect a dumbass like this writer to understand those subtleties. He’s one of those guys who think that feminism promotes hatred of men (where? where? I haven’t seen any.)

And that about wraps it up for this week. Did I miss anyone? No? Well, let’s
revisit Chachi for a moment…

Buonanotte, e vaffanculo!