The New Political Correctness: Rules to “live” by today!

‘Afternoon all.

Here’s the latest list of all the current dos and don’ts you must obey in order not to be shunned, blackmailed, death-wished and gratuitously insulted by sanctimonious hypocrites today. Be sure to memorize this, as there will be a pop quiz later.

Ready?

Here we go:

1. You must draw Mohammed. In chalk. On a sidewalk, so people can walk all over him (which to Arabs and Muslims is the worst insult possible), thus demonstrating…what exactly? Oh, don’t question it–just do it in the name of Free Speech!

2. If challenged as to whether drawing Mohammed has any real point to it, other than gratuitously singling out others on the grounds of religious bigotry, you must clutch your pearls and grandiloquently declare that you are a rationalist atheist, and as such, cannot possibly be a religious bigot. You are an IRRELIGIOUS bigot, thankyouverymuch! And it is not only your right but your DUTY to be one, because if you’re not, They are going to come and take your right away from you! So stop questioning and draw Mohammed!

3. Furthermore, you are exempt from any actual consequences your silly actions (which you must characterize as “protest”) may reap, especially if they fall on the heads of others in a foreign country.

4. You must also disclaim responsibility if anyone challenges you on this one. Useful catchphrase: “See, what did I tell you? They ARE all fascists!” (Be sure to yell this one good and loud, so that they hear you over in Pakistan.)

5. You must ignore the fact that all of Islam does not, in fact, call for the death penalty on artists who draw Mohammed. Because if you did your homework on this one and realized that all Muslims are not alike in their beliefs, you’d be an accommodationist (that’s a PC word, kiddies, memorize it!) to Those People Who Are Trying To Force Their Religion On You.

6. Also, you would be a dhimmi. You don’t want to be one of those, do you? No, of course not…that would be the Worst Thing Ever for us free westerners. So just declare your independence and DRAW MOHAMMED, already. Remember, it’s your duty.

7. And, if female, don’t forget to further show your contempt by flashing your boobs, legs, or anything else that’s been deemed to cause earthquakes in Iran. Not doing so shows you are a humorless feminist and a bad sport. And you’ll get cancer of the uterus, which will eat a big hole through your bowels, and your cervix will fall out your ass.

8. And just ignore all the Christian fundies over here. After all, they only force their women to rat up their hair (the higher it is, the closer to God, etc.) and wear too much mascara (the greasy old-fashioned kind that runs when you sweat or cry, which they do as a matter of rote in their megachurches, preferably while throwing convulsions or speaking gibberish unto Jeebus). They don’t make them wear veils all over everything. Veils are a terribly threatening thing to western freedom!

9. Also, ignore Christian fundie terrorists. Especially those that profess admiration for Hitler. They don’t count as fascists or terrorists because they’re not brown and they don’t bow down five times a day in scary submission to Allah.

10. Never, EVER say “apartheid” and “Israel” in the same breath. If you do, that makes you a criminal against humanity. And terribly unfair to Israel. And an antisemite, particularly if you speak up on behalf of those other Semites, the Palestinians. And worst of all, it means you’re probably a Holocaust denier who deserves to get cancer and be run over by a double-decker bus at the same time.

11. If you’re queer, especially don’t violate #10 at a Pride Day parade. Especially not in Toronto. It’s only supposed to be a peaceful, non-political celebration of cheap beer and commercial tourism and musclemen wearing nothing but an artful cobweb of studded leather straps, capisce?

12. If you’re Jewish, violating #10 means you’re a self-hater and deserve to be shit-listed and cursed to death by some Kahanist greybeard or other. Preferably by stoning.

13. And don’t even ask what horrible punishments are in store for being queer, Jewish AND violating #10, all at the same time. You should be making babies for Israel, not criticizing it, you vile Sodomite!

14. Also, don’t ever mention that Hamas was once actively funded by Israel in order to undermine Yasser Arafat’s PLO. That would be heresy.

15. And not a word about those business dealings with South Africa during the apartheid era, either. Especially not the South African prime minister who was pro-Nazi during World War II (and interned for it), but was happily welcomed by Israel in the name of nuclear warhead sales and other common causes which are, of course, not mentionable here.

16. You must denounce Iran as a fascist menace at every opportunity you get. Preferably by misquoting Ahmadinejad. After all, he’s trying to make nukes.

17. And of course, when the subject of Israeli nukes arises, you must clam up and pretend there was no such thing. Ever.

18. AND that it was not being offered for sale to South Africa, of all places.

19. In fact, just ignore all the very real fascism that’s going down in Israel, or wherever you are.

20. And just shut up and DRAW MOHAMMED, and be thankful we still let you have free speech. Oak hay?