Wankers of the Week: Wank never sleeps

Uh, dude? Money is an inanimate object. You are not. Besides, as Antonia pointed out this week, sleep deprivation is just plain old bad for you. So get some shut-eye, ‘kay?

Meanwhile, here are some others who should also give it a rest…preferably for good:

1. William Fucking Kristol. Oh great! He’s a “drill-baby-drill”-er. AND he wants to see rigs closer to shore, fucking everything up even more (and faster, since a spill would make landfall sooner)! It would serve him right if Bloody Pathetic decided to plant a dozen or two of them right by his favorite vacation beach, eh?

2. Gene Fucking Taylor. “Not as bad as I thought”, he says. “A lot of people are scared and I don’t think they should be”, he says. Well, shucky darn, it’s only a massive amount of oil, fouling a massive amount of seawater, and a correspondingly massive amount of shore, where a massive amount of fishing goes on. So what if local industries and wildlife habitat are ruined? It’s not as bad as Gene Fucking Taylor thought, and that ought to be good enough for everyone. Please tell me this intellectual giant is up for re-election this year, I see someone just fixin’ to lose.

PS: He looks just like Dubya, but blond. That might explain everything.

PPS: Bwahahahaha!

3. Fucking Americans for Job Security. Basically, they ARE fucking Americans. Up the ass. With bullshit for lube.

4. The Fucking US Chamber of Commerce. Same shit. Different assholes. Well, actually, it’s a sodomizing daisy chain. See #3.

5., 6. and 7. These three murderous little fucking bitches. Fortunately, their homophobic hate crime was caught on a cellphone cam. Especially heinous: They did it on the National Day of Silence, a day when students protest homophobia and the silencing of queer voices–some of them silenced by bullying unto death. According to the victim’s mother, this attack was in connection with that. I’m sure these girls thought they were doing just the “right” thing!

8. And while we’re at it, let’s give a razz-out to the judge, Hendria Fucking Bailey-Lewis, for reducing the charges against these girls. And WTF is this about a lack of evidence? Are cellphone videos not admissible in court in Kenfuckingtucky?

9. Joe Fucking Arpaio. First, this open ally of neo-Nazis bullies the governor of Arizona into signing the racist legislation he endorses; now, not content or appeased, he’s looking to take her seat. Here’s hoping Arizonans kick him in his!

10. Nancy Fucking Ruth. “Shut the fuck up” on abortion? LIKE HELL we will! Silence=DEATH, Nancy. Didn’t you learn that yet? PS: Awesomest inaugural blog entry EVER. PPS: What Pale and Judy said. PPPS: Now look what you’ve gone and made someone do.

11. Whoever the fuck thinks skinny jeans can’t be torn off by a rapist. Oh yes, they can be removed without help–otherwise, as one of the commenters here points out, “If skinny jeans were impossible to remove alone, then nobody that couldn’t afford a personal maid would wear them!” (Important factoid: ALL skinny jeans contain spandex, making them stretchy. In other words: Easy on, easy off.)

12. Jenny Beth Fucking Martin. So, there’s no racism in the Teabagger movement, eh?

Funny, Jenny, but I don’t believe you!

13. Thomas Fucking Lukaszuk. “Job creation” apparently comes on the backs of minimum-wage-earning women. I’d like to say “Only in Alberta” (where women don’t count for cowpatties), but seeing as our current loathsome government largely hails from thereabouts, I have an ugly feeling that bad strategy is about to be exported from the badlands.

14. Lisa Fucking Murkowski. Yeah, pollution and global warming would be GREAT for Alaska. What could possibly go wrong up there?

15. George Fucking Rekers. The thing to do on vacation, if you want to have a gay old time, is to rent a boy to handle your bag. And the two balls in it, too. Especially if you’re a screaming closet case who made his bundle peddling homophobia disguised as pediatrics. PS: Oh my, isn’t he cute! Yeah, I can totally see why he was hired to carry the luggage. PPS: Lame excuse is getting lamer. Yeah, I really believe it was only “ministering”. Is THAT what the closet cases all call it these days? PS: Bwhahahahaha:

Sorry, George, no forgiveness for YOU. I can’t believe you’re charging a dollar a pop for that drivel! Is that where you’re getting the money to pay that rent-boy? Shame on you!

16. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Guess what, folkies! She’s a native of Miami. That explains so much, does it not? Including her odd penchant for putting the stick on the wrong side of her teabagger protest signs. (See photo at link.) Oh, and Vicki? Your little gusano boyfriend’s da
d wasn’t in Evil Wicked Fidel’s jail for mere differences of opinion. Assuming he was real (which I strangely doubt, considering the source), he was in for a REAL crime. Like sedition or treason. A lot of Cuban Miameros’ daddies are kinky little buggers who are really, really into that sort of thing.

17. J.D. Fucking Hayworth. “Enforcing federal law” suddenly entails writing your own state’s repressive, decidedly non-federal legislation. Golly willikers, who knew?

18. Mary Fucking Landrieu. Yeah, that oil leak isn’t such a disaster after all. It looks like shiny, rainbow-colored chocolate milk. Won’t kill a single seabird. In fact, they’ll probably all thrive on it, won’t they, Mary?

19. Dick Fucking Cheney. We just knew the Big Dick would have a catastrophic impact extending way beyond his time in office, and now we know what it is: “…it was Cheney’s energy task force – the secretive one that he wouldn’t say much about publicly – that decided that the switches, which cost $500,000, were too much a burden on the industry.” Well, Biggus Dickus, they now seem pretty much a bargain compared to the cost of cleaning up all that wasted oil, don’t they? Maybe you’d like to chip in to relieve BP’s “burden” now, since you, your company and your energy task force are in this up to the eyeballs? And since you made such a tidy profit on Halliburton stock while you were still in office?

20. Tiger Fucking Woods. Making an obscene amount of money at golf apparently means that not only does your shit not stink, but neither does the alcohol on your breath. And it also means the cops can’t bust you for driving drunk (and/or drugged). Yeah, tell me crapitalism doesn’t have its great performance incentives!

21. David Fucking Vitter. He’s found something new to soil his diapers about, and its initials are B and P.

22. John Fucking Baird. Does Squealer ever listen to himself? He moans about how the Liberals are supposedly dividing the country, but in fact, he’s projecting his own party’s strategy–separate the Western country bumpkins from the Eastern city slickers, etc. Considering how many so-called Liberals from the GTA are practically Conservatives from out West by their voting habits, Squealer may want to rewrite his crapaganda–if he’s not man enough to take his damnfool accusations back. And of course, we’re supposed to shut the fuck up and let this pigshit pass, too.

(Apologies to any pigs out there who may be offended by this odious comparison.)

23. James Fucking Moore. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again–this time with a battering ram behind it? HELL NO! If you’re so enamoured of US digital copyright draconianism, Mr. Moore, MOVE THERE! But don’t try to dictate that we follow suit. And while you’re at it, watch this YouTube to see how well that’s working out for them down there.

24. and 25. Lisa Fucking Raitt and Christian Fucking Paradis. Aw, isn’t it cute how obedient these two good little kids are? When Daddy Harpo tells them what to do–or rather, what not to–they don’t even bother to ask how high, they just jump! Even if it means obstruction of the justice that’s supposed to be coming to Rahim Fucking Jaffer. Ain’t corruption and dictatorship lovely?

26. Karlheinz Fucking Schreiber. Finally we know who to blame for Lyin’ Brian Fucking Mulroney’s accession to power over the head of a decent man:

January 1983 – Schreiber pays to send delegates to the PC convention in Winnipeg to vote against then-party leader Joe Clark. In June, Clark loses the leadership of the Progressive Conservative Party to Brian Mulroney. He later claims that some of the money was given by Franz Josef Strauss, former premier of Bavaria and chairman of Airbus Industrie, an aircraft manufacturer.

[…]

Sept. 4, 1984 – Brian Mulroney is elected Prime Minister of Canada.

Oh yeah, and that was just the BEGINNING of the Airbus Affair. We haven’t even touched on the hundreds of thousands ol’ Lyin’ Brian was paid to keep himself in Gucci loafers–and bribed to buy Airbuses for Air Canada. And can you believe they both, along with the late Frank Fucking Moores, had the nerve to sue reporters for TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT THEM?

One thing I do thank this smug little turd for, though, is showing just how dirty the Tories’ underbelly was and still is. Of course, he’s a major clump of the dirt that’s on it…but he’s just one clump. There are others.

27. Stewart Fucking Rhodes. A right-wing gun nut who thinks he can rally progressives behind him…using a magical blend of fake conspiracy theories and real ones that don’t actually apply to the situation as it currently stands? Uh, yeah. Keep dreaming. It’s the only political power you’re ever likely to reach, dude.

28. Erik Fucking Prince. Just shut the fuck up, and go the hell away. Preferably to die bankrupt and rot in your cracker swamp. Asshole.

29. Joe Fucking Lieberman. “Accidents happen”, says he of the BP oil fiasco. Yeah, Joe, I bet your mom said the same thing when she learned she was pregnant with you.

30. Dennis Fucking Prager. It really chaps his ass–and that of all teabaggers–to be called on their collective racism. But hey, if bad presidenting were REALLY the reason they hate Obama, they’d have been calling for Dubya to b
e tarred and feathered, since he’s the one that got this bad ball rolling. Where were they back then?

Aha. Thought so.

31. Lou Fucking Engle. Srsly, I’m just waiting to hear that he was caught renting a boy in Uganda. Murderous professional homophobes are surprisingly good at that sort of thing.

32. Grover Fucking Norquist. And anyone else out there in the Douchebag Party who thinks that “teabagger” is the new “n-word”. Gimme a fucking break–you people were using that term yourselves, BEFORE you knew what it meant in queerspeak. Shall I play it back to you verbatim?

You used it first. Now stop your fucking whining, you racist douchebags.

33. Dadeus Fucking Grings. Once more, a fascist archbishop feels compelled to blame the victims. Teens are “spontaneously homosexual” and all of society is “pedophile”, whatever that means. I think he’s trying to blame the young jezebels again, instead of those who rape them. Because we all know priests are celibate until tempted otherwise…and of course, the church can police its own, so it doesn’t have to hand its offenders over to that “pedophile” society full of “spontaneously homosexual” teens and cops! (PS: Nice holocaust denial you got there, bud.)

34. Stephen Fucking Harper. This wanker never stops wanking, not even in his sleep. Not ony is he constantly dreaming up new ways to undermine those to whom he is ideologically opposed (ridiculous, potentially disastrous funding cuts being his main method of choice), the goddamned motherfucker has the shittiest taste in music, too.

And finally, to all the above, and to any wankers out there whom I may have missed…Babs here has a lovely little ditty she’d like to sing for all you asshats. Enjoy:

Good night, and get fucked. (Except, of course, for George Fucking Rekers, who really should fall impotent for his god-awful hypocrisy.)