Ahem. A little mood music, maestro:Ah. That was lovely. And speaking of bustin’ out all over, how about all these scandalous wankers, caught with their pants down? Jeezus, haven’t they got anything better to do in this lovely springy weather?1. Liz Fucking Cheney. Investigate Sestak? Pfffft–there’s nothing there to investigate. Just keep a civil tongue in your head, missy, and be thankful no one’s making noises about investigating your old man. Because if anyone did, by damn, they’d FIND something. Also, FUCK YOU, YOU WARMONGERING SLUT. And the filth that sired you, and the toxic womb that spewed you into this world. Fuck you all very, very much.2. and 3. Nikki Fucking Haley and Will Fucking Folks. Christ, you two, get a room already. Oh wait, you did, and one of you doesn’t want to admit it. Well, isn’t that special? And isn’t that just like the conservatards: Do as we say (abstain), not as we do (hump like bunnies.)4. Rob Fucking Anders. Because who but a wanker from Calgary West would support our troops with a lovely inspirational message like…this?So easy to say when it’s not your nose sniffing cordite from the business end of the gunbarrel, eh? 5. The Fucking IDF. Take your pick of the official versions the Israeli military and government are touting; everything they say about their piratical attack on the Freedom Flotilla is indubitably bullshit. But my personal favorite, for now, is this very interesting photo.6. and 7. Ehud Fucking Barak and Benjamin Fucking Netanyahu. Whenever either of you schmucks is willing to be fully truthful and fully accountable for the actions you took (and ordered the IDF commandos to take), please let us know. Until then, STFU. I’ve had it to the gills with all this fucking hasbara.8. Fucking BP. Not only did the “top kill” fail, so no doubt will the “top hat” and everything else they try, including silencing the fisherfolks they’re hiring to clean up the mess they made, of which there is no end in sight. Would it kill them to supply those poor souls with proper safety gear? Oh yeah, I forgot…they also had that attitude about blowout protection for the well that started all this. Motherfuckers!9. Lope Fucking Mendoza. Should be spelled Lope Mentiroso, since he’s lying out his ass. Fedecamaras is STILL trying to foment a coup in Venezuela, and yes, they ARE doing it by urging hoarding of foodstuffs. This is not an allegation, it’s known. They do this every time there’s an election which the PSUV and other pro-Chávez parties are going to win. They always create artificial “crises” which get huge fanfare but invariably fail to bring about the desired result. But trust ABC to not report THAT; they just get all their “information” from the Fucking Dissociated Press. 10. John Fucking Baird. So much for the notion of Conservatives as fiscally responsible. Apparently they like to cut spending on everything but right-wing special interest groups (bible translators, anyone? They have CIA connections, too!) and repression. On both of those, they spend to put drunken sailors to shame. And then claim they have no control over it. Well, duh. Do addicts ever? They are a menace to public safety. Recommended: Rehab and/or forced institutionalization. That is, if there are still any max-security psych wards left in the country after these bastards cut all the funding…11. Chuck Fucking Phelps. If you ever wonder why I’m not a Baptist, or any other species of fundie, or even a Christian for that matter, look no further than this fucked-up “pastor”, who apparently thinks that rape victims are jezebels in need of a good public shaming. As if being repeatedly assaulted and made pregnant, and then whisked out of the community and out of sight (while the perpetrator was protected!), were not humiliating enough. Churches like that are no place for a woman or girl.12. James Fucking O’Keefe. Cute kid–he just can’t resist the urge to play dress-up. Now, if only he could start being a grown-up for realz, and accept the fact that his side is losing for a reason…Also, enjoy the Rude Pundit’s take on him. Bet it’ll make Little Jimmy cry!13. Tony Fucking Hayward. Sorry, you can’t HAVE your life back. And neither can the Gulf of Mexico. Stop whining, stop lying, stop cheaping out, and start fucking apologizing in earnest.14. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why? Well…That’s why. She’s not only full of doubletalk, she herself doesn’t get it: The US’s reserves are not sufficient to sustain demand, and will not be no matter how much drilling goes on anywhere. She doesn’t get conservation or social responsibility. She doesn’t get the fact that environmentalists are the only REAL pro-lifers there are. She doesn’t get that it’s not having lotsa babies that counts, it’s leaving them a world that they can thrive in. She just won’t be content until there are no more pristine environments left to rape, and everything is covered in five feet of whipped crude and saltwater. Let’s just be glad she’s no longer squatting in a governor’s mansion; she’s about as useful as teats on a bull when it comes to cleaning up messes. (S
peaking of messes and cleaning up, Sarah, haven’t you got kids to raise? Or is that Bristol’s job–when she’s not raking it in talking duplicitous nonsense of her own to teens and the media?)15. Aria Fucking Shaliker. Israeli troops stormed the Freedom Flotilla with paintball guns? REALLY? Wow, that really goes a long way toward explaining all those shots fired BEFORE boarding. And all those corpses that piled up soon after. Oh wait, were those dummies, covered in paint pellets? How fiendishly clever.16. Peter Fucking Mansbridge. He had every chance to rip into Bibi Fucking Netanyahu, and what did he do? Squandered it all on softballs–and this just hours before his slimy guest fucked off out of Canada, sensing that the shit had hit the fan over Gaza. This is journalism? Smells like chickenshit to me.17. Jan Fucking Brewer. Defending your fascist state laws by invoking the spectre of your late dad, who died not fighting fascism, but ten whole years later, of work-related lung disease? That’s got to be a whole new category of wankdom…or necrophilia. Either way–ugh.18. Conrad Fucking Black. Yes, it’s been a while since I’ve mentioned the Lord of Crossharbour Subway Station. No, I haven’t forgotten him; it’s just that he’s been so well looked after (and kept out of further trouble) in Club Fed USA. Only not in his own opinion–which, as usual, is highly embroidered and inflated. He’s so hard-done-by, is Lord Blahblah. I wonder–is his wife, Lady Babs of Botox-upon-Siliconia, still so enamored of her Dickensian debtors’ prisons, the same that she espoused in an early column? Because if she is, her lordly hubby could stay in the clinker a lot longer. There is some question as to how solvent he will be when he gets out.19. Mark Fucking Kirk. Twice he lied about his military service record; that makes him a double dickweed. Seems that the latest crop of right-wing Repugs has taken to lying not about their service during Vietnam, but Gulf War II; brace yourselves kiddies, there are plenty more where this wanker came from. (There is also the question of whether he has a wide stance, which would be interesting in light of his party’s stand on gays in the military.) Special thanks to my friend Polaris for suggesting this one.20. Haley Fucking Barbour, again. This week, he earns a spot on the list for being an absolute asshat about the BP oil disaster. Maybe he should learn what it’s really like to be covered in oil himself. Who wants to help throw him in the chocolate soup?21. Don Fucking Young. Let’s throw him in the oil soup of the Gulf, along with Haley Fucking Barbour. Then we’ll see if it’s “not an environmental disaster”, eh?22. John Fucking Hinderaker. Of course, the pipsqueaky pusillanimous fucking cowards of Powerwhine would NEVER do something as brave as risk their meaningless lives and their pimply necks on the Gaza Freedom Flotilla. Human rights are only for WASPS, not Palestinians–or Turks (including one 19-year-old with dual US/Turkish nationality). Either that, or they’re just a Trojan horse for neo-con war schemes that will invariably result in the widespread violation of human rights…much to the Powerwhiners’ approval, of course.23. Eli Fucking Yishai. You can tell he was just itching to get rid of as many Arab-Israelis as possible, and now he’s seized on the Freedom Flotilla as an excuse to get rid of one who happens to be a member of the Israeli Knesset. The same who appears here, as luck would have it…demonstrating just how thin the veneer of democracy actually is in Israel.24. Fucking Dubya. “Yeah, I had him waterboarded, heh heh heh…” The Giggling Killer seriously believes he can get away with murder. Your Barackness, you had damn well better prove him wrong. Prosecute him for war crimes–go on now, you have all the admission you need. Anything else, you know how you can get it out of him, right?25. Glenn Fucking Beck. OMG, this is his idea of essential reading? Elizabeth Fucking Dilling, a fucking Nazi-symp who wanted Einstein deported? Get this treasonous asshole off the airwaves NOW!26. And speaking of anti-semites, meet Fred Fucking Malek. Why aren’t all the right-wing Zionists whining about him? Maybe because he’s right-wing, too…and working for Sarah Fucking Palin, who can do no wrong?27. Andrew Fucking Irvine. Yes, he was on the list last week. But I thought I’d include him again, just so you could see Gary Mason clean that sexist idiot’s clock with good, hard facts. I bet you’ll enjoy that as much as I did.28. Brad Fucking Sherman. Arrest and prosecute any US citizens involved with the Freedom Flotilla? Wow. What a freedom-loving patriotic democrat. Maybe he should be dropped in Gaza to live as Gazans do, and then tell us nothing’s lacking there, and that there is no need for aid. 29. Jake Fucking Knotts. Hey racist asshole–if Obama is a “raghead”, where’s the fucking RAG? (And no, I don’t believe you were kidding. You’re from Kenfuckingtucky. Plenty of fat ol’ racists in them thar hills.)30. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. May I remind you, madam, that those who hate on gays the hardest are actually the ones most likely to have a whole lotta little pink skeletons dancing the watusi in their rather capacious closets?31. George Fucking Stephanopoulos. I always suspected that Bill Clinton’s Judas only got a TV show because he was, well, a disloyal little sensation-monger. So nice to see him going so far out of his way to prove me wrong (she said, dripping snark all down her blouse).32. Charles Fucking Krauthammer. Yes, of COURSE it’s always the antisemitism. No, of COURSE Israel never does anything wrong. Only it’s funny, innit, how it’s always getting “attacked” by unarmed people, and somehow the “attackers” always end up as bullet-riddled corpses?33. Arnie Fucking Lemaire. Oh, spare us your self-righteous hufflepuff about the Holocaust, Mr. Kerosene Cat-Molester. We all know that if there were no Muslims on these shores, you and your fugly little bad-tempered wife would be out there “organizing” a particularly lame comic-operatic local version of the Bund. And getting your sorry asses kicked by some real Germans, Jewish and otherwise. (PS: You and your little ass-barnacles are surely aware that the monkey-god to whom you refer is a Hindu deity? One who could also kick your sorry ass–clear across the ocean to some stone-sucking backwater in the Faroe Islands, where it belongs?)34. Jack Fucking Layton. Much as it pains me to list him (much more so below the goober listed above), it must be done, because Jack failed to do what had to be done, which was to whip the NDP vote. The long-gun registry matters more than the votes of a few bozos from the sticks who probably think they shouldn’t have to register their pickup trucks, either. Pandering is disgusting no matter who does it, Jack. And if they would rush to the arms of the SupposiTories (or the SaskaTories, Bog help us all) over something like this, they were not worth keeping anyway. (And if you’re so afraid of their doing that, well…’nuff said.)And finally, to all the antisemites out there, the real ones: Yeah, Israel just beshat itself majorly this week. Yeah, it’s in the habit of doing that, although usually it’s less blatant about it. But it’s got nothing to do with being Jewish; other countries have done the same thing. Germany, 70-some years ago, being a prime example. And if I get any more comments like this one, I’m going to delete them and ban whoever leaves them, because I’m seriously sick of Nazi shit–old, new, or in disguise under a Star of David.Good night, and get fucked!