Wankers of the Week: Fake Lake edition

An artist’s conception of Lake Pissadawampumaway. Let us pray that this fiscally irresponsible monstrosity never makes it off the drawing board. This, BTW, from the same fucking government that thinks the gun registry is a boondoggle–or so it tells all its yahoo constituents from the sticks, in an effort to keep their dumbass goober votes. (Yeah, we can tell you guys hate Toronto because it’s not Alberta. Big fuckin’ whoop!)

Well. Happy June! How’s mid-month treating you? Are you getting lots of gardening done? I am. But I never spend so much time out in Real Nature that I’m not able to make note of all the other phonies hanging out by the side of the Fake Lake. Here we go, in no particular order:

1. Bill Fucking McCollum. Well, now we know where boy-renter George Fucking Rekers got the money for that rentboy…he was paid double his usual (hefty!) professional witness fee so that Florida could get an anti-gay-adoption law (which is, in all likelihood, unconstitutional…as well as discriminatory as hell.) BTW, how many children does Rekers have, again?

2. Adrian Fucking Lamo. Sorry, I’m not buying the “national security” excuse for betraying a confidence. The war on Iraq is illegal, and the guy who leaked the Collateral Murder video is a hero for showing just how brutal and callous it is. Shame on Lamo for doing his “duty” to extend the killing for God only knows how much longer. At least now, the whole world knows not to trust him with another confidence again.

3. Jonathan Fucking Mark. Yeah, “sink the next flotilla“, GREAT idea! What could be better for totally stripping Israel of its last shred of credibility than blowing up a boatload of pro-Palestine Jews? I mean, it’s not like the last two weeks have been utterly devoid of disgraces. Shit, what’s one more, especially if some of the credit accrues to you, eh Jono?

4. Michael Fucking Oren. Oh wait, that’s the answer to my first question of Wanker #3.

5. Jan Fucking Brewer. Yes, she makes this week’s list again. This time for her charming, Palinesque tactic of blaming the media…for what she herself said.

6. Debbie Fucking Schlussel. Why?

That’s why. Even if she lives to be a hundred and fifty, Little Debbie ToxicSnackCakes will NEVER be fit to wipe Helen Thomas’s shoes. Or Whoopi Goldberg’s, either.

7. Elton Fucking John. Which is worse: performing in Apartheid Israel, or at Rush Fucking Limbaugh’s fourth phony wedding? Either way, it’s a fucking wank. Guess whose records I’m proud not to own, and am never going to? (Muchas gracias, Paul Escobar, for the second link.)

8. Tzipi Fucking Livni. I don’t know how many Israelis were on those pro-IDF “flotillas” sailing to Gaza to rub the Palestinians’ noses in it, but I know one blonde whose nose I would dearly love to rub in it myself for being there to see them off. Crapaganda coup of the century? NOT.

9. Ari Fucking Fleischer. Another person who couldn’t resist the old nose-rub: Ari the Liar, who finally got his revenge on good old Helen Thomas this week. Guess that makes you feel better after not being able to answer all those clear, hard questions she put to you during your much shorter time in the White House pressroom, eh Ari? Asshole.

10. Also, Lanny Fucking Davis (at the same link). That goes double for you, you phony-liberal fucking hypocrite. You have some nerve talking about antisemitism when you’re the asshole who did PR for the overtly fascist coup in Honduras! Bet you thought we forgot about that, eh? Well, some of us didn’t. Fuck you, Lanny. May you get back from Honduras what Honduras got from you.

11. For that matter, all the fucking lapdogs of the White House press corps are worse than useless. Did any of them stand up for Helen–who was the only one among them who never shirked her job? Nope…they were all too busy playing water-pistol games with Joe Fucking Biden and Rahm Fucking Emanuel. But I’m sure they’ll “explain” all this by saying that it’s hard work, or some such.

12. Bernie Fucking Madoff. Fuck your victims? No, fuck YOU, you entitled old assbastard (with the very teeny wienie)! You’re not hot shit, you’re not THE shit, you’re just a piece of shit who thought he had the right to live off other people’s money. You are Ponzi-scheming pond scum. They carried YOU, not you them, you miserable old wet fart.

13. Tamara Fucking Broomfield. Who the hell gives their own child cocaine, much less an overdose? A complete and utter wanker, that’s who.

14. Richard Fucking Pombo. Oh, how the mighty have fallen. He’s gone from pissing on Chavecito and the environment, to being the burning house no one wants to piss on. Sucks to be you, Dick. Do you still have that ugly shirt, BTW?

15. Glenn Fucking Beck. Still a wanker. Ratings still falling. Still a wonder that he’s still on the air. Chicken Noodle Network still not cutting the bum loose. Chicken Noodle Network therefore also still wankers.

16. Daniel Fucking Menard. And the Fucking is to be understood literally. Because isn’t that what the big brass all do with the lower ranks, particularly when they’re in Afghanistan and the Little Wife is at home? (Thanks to Jim for the suggestion.)

17. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Does anyone seriously believe his latest foray into Family Values (his fourth, for those keeping score–meaning three marital failures and another in the making) is for realz? I mean, he had Elton Fucking John singing at the “wedding”. Think for a moment about the ironies of an overpaid professional homophobe hiring HIM, of all people.

18. Rand Fucking Paul, again. My late grandfather, who died of emphysema after 65 wasted years of tobacco addiction, just told me to give you the finger, Rand. He never believed in smoking bans either, until he was 75, when his doctor told him to quit or die. THEN he believed. Jayzus! First racism, now this? I used to not wish such things on my worst enemies, but now, Rand, I hope you contract some ghastly secondhand smoke-related illness, I hope it bankrupts you, and I hope no one’s willing to pay for your treatments. Not even the big insurance corporations you think are so much more fucking trustworthy than the government. And certainly not the tobacco companies, whom you should have no right to sue after the blowjob you just gave them. Maybe then you’ll learn…nah, of course you won’t. You probably believe in the hypocrisy–oh sorry, “idealism”–of dry counties, and mandatory jail sentencing for non-rich, non-famous, non-white drug addicts, don’t you, Rand?

19. Carly Fucking Fiorina. Barbara Boxer not only has the better politics, she also has the better hair. Thus making this wank a nugget of sheerest comedy gold.

20. Kory Fucking Teneycke. This little wanker, whose tenure on the CBC as a conservative pundit was so short that you could literally blink and miss it, has fallen upward and convinced Quebecor to throw major money away on a Canadian “equivalent” to FUX Snooze. He thinks there’s a “largely untapped market” for his proposed channel, in a medium which is already dominated by conservatards–in a country of barely 32 milion people, most of whom are, despite the right-wing media’s best efforts, NOT conservatards? And this, despite the epic failure of the National Pest, which ought to be considered a very grim harbinger of where Conservatardia is really headed? One almost hopes that they do give this harebrained scheme a go, if only to enjoy the Hindenburg-like spectacle of it all going dowwwwwwn.

Wonky-charty thingy compiled by Mike Watkins. Bhad Nhews for Kory & Ko.–that dark blue line, representing all Canadian conservative parties past and present, is his “largely untapped market”. Someone needs to go back and do his homework, methinks.

21. Nancy Fucking Allan. Yes, heaven forfend that high-schoolers should learn the true nature of the Israeli apartheid régime. Or that Palestinians are human and deserve equal rights. What would the world come to if that were to happen? No, better to give in to one kid’s irrational panic, let B’nai Brith come in and go over the students’ exam papers with a fine-tooth comb, and then push the hasbara on them before they’re old enough to really start questioning.

22. David Fucking Nesenoff. Thanks to this wanker getting his own son in her face with a camera and some annoying questions, the venerable Helen Thomas is no longer a working reporter. He, on the other hand, presumably remains a working rabbi, despite the offensive ethnic stereotypes–oh sorry, “jokes” he likes to spout. Double standard much?

23. Valentine Fucking Tsamma Seane. Nobody just up and decides to be gay, just as nobody just up and decides to NOT be gay. The choice is in God’s hands…that is, if you believe in God. And I have my doubts about you, Bishop.

24. Ezra Fucking Levant. So you put on a big tra-ra about how you’re so persecuted, only to be exonerated, and the fake persecution ends up costing you $100,000? You complain of a “90-minute interrogation” in which the waterboard wasn’t broken out, not even once? Where all you had to do was answer some questions and look like a pompous ass doing so? Sorry, Ezra, but my crocodile tear supply is long since dried up. You went out of your way to bring this on yourself, thinking you would put the System on trial. Guess what: It doesn’t work that way, in this or any country. The System put YOU on trial, and it worked out fine for you. Except, of course, for all that money you wasted trying to show how “smart” you were. Meanwhile, the System remains, and you are out $100,000. I suppose you’ll be launching another suit to try to get it back, eh? Yeah, when in the hole, keep digging. It’s the Tory thing to do.

(And just think, Kory Fucking Teneycke has been making noises about giving this dumb putz his own TV show. He’s got a face for radio, but I wouldn’t want him anywhere on THAT dial, either.)

25. Joran Fucking van der Sloot–international asshole of mystery, or so he would have liked to be. Too bad for him that the mystery is now solved!

26. Michael Fucking Pakaluk. I’m not sure why any gay parents out there (adoptive or natural) would want to enroll their children in Catholic parochial schools, knowing what hotbeds of homophobia, hate and hypocrisy they can be. But apparently this homophobic wanker (a closet case, perchance?) thinks that there’s a horde of gay-parent barbarians out there, beating at the gates, clamoring to be thought of as human and, gasp, NORMAL. Oh noes!!! Who will there be left to d
espise when THEY finally shed their outsider status? (Best comment award–and it was a tough call, folks–goes to #59.)

27. Eva Fucking Rodriguez. If you want to know how far the WaHoPo has sunk in terms of journalism, or reading comprehension on the part of its writers, look no further. If you want to know what ridiculously twisty arguments to “prove” that someone said what they didn’t say look like…look no further. In short, if you want to see a really drecky hack writer in action…look no further. And stay away from the WaHoPo if you really want to know what’s going on, ‘kay?

28. Mac Fucking Margolis. Same deal as #27, only he “writes” for Newsweak. How on Earth Chavecito’s encouraging free speech by recommending his supporters use the tweeter translates to “Chávez’s Twitter Repression” is beyond me, but I’m sure Macky-Wacky has a perfectly convoluted explanation.

29. Jim Fucking Naureckas. Much as it pains me to list this normally bang-on FAIR writer, I have to, because he wanked! Helen Thomas did not say what Jim thinks (and wants us to think) she said, and her purported failure to stand behind her own words is not evidence that what she said was actually indefensible. She may not have worded it very lucidly, but she was right–Israel IS occupying Palestine, and Israel needs to get the hell out; they do NOT need more settlers or settlements, and both are still coming, in flagrant violation of international law. BTW, Jim, Dan Rather was right, too, when he said that Dubya was a deserter from the Texas Air National Guard, but HE didn’t stand behind his own reporting there, either–he caved in, rather than fighting the freepers. You remember that, don’t you? Doesn’t that tell you a thing or two about mob rule in US journalism, Jim? It’s not like you haven’t seen the likes of this before: Veteran reporter, highly respected, gets ganged up on by a right-wing media establishment, which ultimately holds the purse strings. Lone reporters NEVER fare well in such an environment, which is also highly competitive (and encircled by right-wing blogtards to boot). Helen is nearly 90 and probably doesn’t have the energy (or the desire) to stand up, all alone, against a mafia howling for her blood. But we can do it for her, and we are not wrong to do so, because we know she did not say what you say she said. And we’ve got your own cited link to prove it.

30. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yes, Ms. “Atlas” is still shitting…but PayPal no longer wants its good name associated with her hate site. And yes, it IS a hate site. Militant islamophobia is one thing, but to grub money off it? Beyond chutzpah, as Norm Finkelstein would say. Let’s hope no other Internet payment handlers will do business with her, either.

31. Sarah Fucking Palin. Still vacuous. Still stupid. Still not a feminist, though she claims she is. Still not a victim of sexism, though she also claims she is. So what is she? Still a do-nothing who can’t stop telling others what to do.

And finally, to the Fucking SupposiTories. All of you. Money-wasters, panderers, liars, hypocrites, fascists, repressors, suckups, fuckups, do-nothing bullshitters all. You cordoned off the downtown core of TO more than two weeks in advance of your fake-lake “summits” at which NOTHING will get done, other than that four goddamn fucking noise cannons will be deployed to scare dissenters away (and they will not work. Cheap earplugs trump overpriced hi-tech every time). Fuck you, fuck you very much for doing it on our dime. Here’s a little ditty by some guys you’re not cool enough to like. Enjoy:

If I had a billion dollars, I’d buy you, you skanky fucking whores. And then I’d dismantle your fake party and throw it in your fake lake, and hold its head underwater until it stops thrashing, just to make sure the job gets done for real.

Good night, and get fucked!