Wankers of the Week: G8/G20 edition

Yup, that about sums up what it’s all about. A dirty, low-down fuckery full of pretended “gentlemen”, throwing money around and expecting to buy whatever they want, no matter who suffers. Photo courtesy the Torontoist, where there’s also an excellent liveblog of all the fun and frivolity. Here’s Friday’s edition, and here’s today’s.

“Fascism begins the moment a ruling class, fearing the people may use their political democracy to gain economic democracy, begins to destroy political democracy in order to retain its power of exploitation and special privilege.”

–Tommy Douglas

Well! How’re we liking the arrival of fascism in Canada, boys ‘n’ girls? So far, it’s all panning out true to the predictable pattern. All wrapped up in a flag, carrying a cross–just as Sinclair Lewis predicted for our neighbors to the south–and building fake lakes so people won’t think too long about how the real waters of the world are being crapped up by corporations. That’s what makes ours Canadian, eh. Otherwise it’s virtually indistinguishable from the American Republic of Stupidstan.

And from the heart of my bottom, heartiest thanks to the following fools, fascists and fuckers, not all of whom are at the G-20 right now, for making this week as wankish as could be:

1. Stockwell Fucking Day. Damn right, Laughing Stock, there will be protests because of “a small bunch of thugs”. You’re so fucking dumb you don’t even realize that you’re referring to your own not-so-new-anymore SupposiTory minority government. The protests will be massive, and the protesters won’t be thugs–only the police provocateurs who I’m sure you guys are paying extra to have trucked in, along with your fucking fake lake.

2. G. Gordon Fucking Liddy. What’s the G stand for? God-awfully-STUPID, what else? Yeah, Gordie, whitey-white Christians aren’t at all good at that slaughtering shit. Who dropped the fucking A-bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, again?

3. Karl Fucking Rove. Guess who’s gonna be in town for Chuck Fucking McVety’s little satanistic goat-slaughtering orgy! And guess who I’m praying for…to get a loose wrecking ball to the kisser, that is.

4. Tony Fucking Hayward. Gee, I guess he “finally” got his life back–he went yachting. Needless to say, not in the same waters where his company took a shit.

5. Ann Fucking Coulter. Is someone miffed because she didn’t get invited to the gringo-nose-powder party aboard Wanker #4’s yacht? Sure smells that way. So, of course, who better to take it out on than His Barackness? (BTW, her daily dose of meth has eaten another hole in the Coultergeist’s brain. Remember “Now watch this drive”? She doesn’t. Oh, and she’s also lying. But we knew that!)

6. Stanley Fucking McChrystal. Because military discipline and respect for the civilian commander-in-chief don’t apply if you’re a right-wing general. Or if the civilian commander-in-chief is black. PS: Tell your former aide to stop using “gay” as a put-down, ex-General. PPS: “Counter-insurgency” does not work. No wonder the former general was so pissy.

7. Martin Fucking Feldman. Why block a presidential moratorium on deep-sea drilling? Holding stock in companies that do it is one reason. It’s also a conflict of interest, but I’m sure His Dishonor doesn’t see it that way. In fact, I’m pretty sure he sees it as a very neat conjunction of interests.

8. Fucking “Hunter”. How is it possible for us crazy left-wing feminists to NOT get the pee-pee sensation when we see Harpo, AND simultaneously have it but not admit it? Spoiler alert: We don’t get any feelings down there at all when we look at him. He’s not sexy! I suppose it never occurs to starry-eyed conservatwits that normal women don’t like stony-faced men who lacquer their hair. And if you’re going to babble nonsense about smelly terrorists, “Hun”, better look at the ones you voted for. They think dousing oneself in Drakkar Noir neutralizes the stench of batshit and brimstone. It doesn’t, and neither does your cheap perfume, dear.

9. Jon Fucking Voight. No wonder Angelina Jolie wants nothing to do with her old man. Can you blame her? He’s an ignorant, apartheid-loving, rapturistic, racist, Repug asswipe.

10. Conrad Fucking Black. He’s still guilty as sin, but now it looks like he’s going to waste more public money trying to prove he’s not. Give it up, Lord Nobody! And stay in jail. It’s the best place for you. Make yourself useful teaching your fellow inmates how to read and write, or something.

11. Ezra Fucking Levant. Being sued for libel again? Surprise…and he still gets ZERO sympathy from me or anyone. That’s what happens when you think “freedom of speech” means you get to whack other people on the nose and not have them hit you back. Another sue-happy screamer who believes in freedom of speech for himself alone, and can’t bear it when the law gets turned against him by others. “Equal rights” is fightin’ words to Ezzy Irrelevant.

12. Tom Fucking Brock. Another screaming closet case, outed. Funny how little you have to scratch a professional homophobe to find a homo…one who desperately needs to get laid. And who is probably going to have no luck finding true man-love as long as he keeps up the nasty rhetoric.

13. Marco Fucking Rubio. If offshore drilling is “being done safely all over the world”, how do you explain Nigeria? Oh, that’s right–you don’t even bother thinking about it, because it doesn’t bear thinking about. And besides, those people are black, so their environmental woes don’t count.

14. David Fucking Jungerman. Producer or parasite? Considering how much he got in farm subsidies, I vote for the latter. And since I seriously doubt he has paid a million dollars in taxes (which he would have to have done, at a minimum, in order to consider it “my money coming back to me”), let’s add “lying lowdown hypocrite” to the list of descriptors.

15. James Fucking Moore. As a “radical extremist” radically opposed to wankers, I flip you the cyber-electronic bird, sir. And your draconian US puppetmasters, too.

16. Rocco Fucking Rossi. Oh charming! The would-be theocrat of Toronto City Hall thinks le mot juste is “hate speech”. Le mot juste, of course, being “apartheid”, uttered in the context of Israel, for which there is incidentally ample proof that it IS le mot juste.

17. Rob Fucking Ford. Not content to let Wanker #16 hog the whole Bucket-O-Stoopid, Rob manfully elbowed him aside and took his turn at the trough. Snort, snort, oink.

18. Giorgio Fucking Mammoliti. And lest we forget the third stooge in the trio, here’s another homophobic free-speech hater who doesn’t deserve to be the next mayor of Toronto. Stick a fork in all of ’em, they’re DONE.

19. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Obama is “henpecked”? Michelle never lets him have “real food”? That’s funny, I just saw him and Dimitri Medvedev chowing down in a burger joint the other day. I guess that’s fake food, although I’m sure once in a while it can’t hurt. Michelle said nothing, but I’m told the Secret Service had a cow. Snork, snork. Of course, what Rusty says would be easier to take seriously if Obama weren’t so trim and handsome (and still with his first wife, very happily by all appearances), and the Pigman weren’t so…well, you know. Alas for Rush, there’s some very bad news floating around out there about all that unreal food.

20. Louie Fucking Gohmert. Spare the Gomer Pyle jokes, folks, even if they ARE only too tempting. This poor paranoid racist Godwin-breaching asswipe is not gonna make it through his next election, so we must be gentle with him. Or…maybe not.

21. Thomas Fucking Sowell. Uncle Tom is also a fine one to go violating Godwin. He spent the last decade of his career propping up Mussolini Piccolomini Bush, after all. I guess what Gomer #20 was trying to say there was that Uncle Tom is awfully smart for a niggruh to be making such facile comparisons between two totally different men, or some such.

22. Glenn Fucking Beck. Professional racist and paranoid drunken loon promotes hemorrhoidal self as heir to civil rights movement, and McCarthy as a great defender of democracy. Along with ghostwritten, bulk-bought book. Oh yeah, and did I mention he’s a MORmON? And that the Cold War is long over and the Red Menace gone? And that the civil-rights movement was led by progressive US BLACKS, not Moscow? Dude’s shit is so fucking crazy, we couldn’t make it up if we wanted to. Fortunately, his ratings are still circling the drain. All we want now is to see them go all the way DOWN, for fuck’s sake.

23. Christie Fucking Blatchford. Disingenuous right-wing columnist has no idea how the healthcare system actually works, and certainly doesn’t really care about fixing it, but never misses an opportunity to bash it with half-truths, pure conjectures, and a slimy glossing-over of the facts, which leads her gullible readers to believe, as she does, that it should simply be scrapped altogether–to “let the market take care of it”. (The “market taking care of it” was the reason Tommy Douglas built our system in the first place!) If she hates it so much in this country, why is she still here? It’s not like she couldn’t make a fucking fortune peddling her smack south of the border. They eat that shit up down there. Maybe it’s just the glut in the oversaturated US bullshit market? Whatever it is, Christie, just because there are fewer people up here who think like you, doesn’t mean there’s a vast untapped market for right-wing hog-snot. Take a hint, and take it elsewhere. (The local landfill is a good place; the toilet is even better.)

24. Jim Fucking Prentice. Speaking of “let the market fuck you over”, scroll down. Seems this wanker doesn’t like the truth being told about his sneak-thievish deregulation drives. BTW, did you know he’s letting Chevron drill in deeper waters than the Deepwater Horizon went down in? On the Atlantic Coast, where a spill could unleash catastrophe on two continents? It’s true!

25, 26 and 27. Tucker Fucking Carlson, Matt Fucking Dornic and Betsy Fucking Rothstein. If you’re going to blather nonsense about “journalistic ethics” or “journalistic standards”, try exercising some of your own, you fucking hacks. What you did to Dave Weigel is inexcusable–especially since all Weigel did was tell the unflattering truth, and utter things we’ve all felt, about so many right-wing idiots out there. Who are all still spouting and spewing and making millions saying things that are about ten thousand times worse–minimum. Fuck you, fuck you all very much.

28. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

That’s why. And that’s not all.

29. Geraldo Fucking Rivera. Ever since he broke into Al Capone’s vault to find nothing but empty liquor bottles and dust-bunnies, I’ve suspec
ted he was not really a journalist, but an untalented schmuck who played one on TV. So far, nothing he has said or done has laid that suspicion to rest.

30. Michael Fucking Den Tandt. Put down your outdated economics text book and pay attention to the real world, Mikey. Globalization destroyed all the jobs. CEOs are getting bonuses for job-cutting, outsourcing, and wage-slashing, if not union-busting. Why do you think all those people are protesting? BTW, most of them HAVE jobs, no thanks to crapitalist ideologues like you. If any of them throw bricks, I hope one goes through your window–and another through your own smug, vainglorious preconceptions. If you’re really a journalist worth your salt, and not just another fucking conservatard hack, I dare you to go ask sweatshop workers on the other side of the planet how well “free” trade has worked at lifting THEM out of poverty…or for that matter, all the trafficked women and children it has wrenched from their homes and into brothels. Yeah, they’re really better off now! Asshole.

One of yours, Mikey? (Photo by Kady O’Malley.)

And finally, to all those who think the protesters are “radical extremists” or worse, “terrorists”. No, they’re not–they’re the PEOPLE, and they’re standing up for your freedoms, since the police aren’t being paid to, and the army isn’t allowed to (and is only being sent to guard the corporations’ intended resource grabs, anyway.) I really can’t express how I feel about you or your pusillanimous bed-wetting fascism any better than this anonymous man, who had the guts to tell it like it is to the cops:

Good night, and get fucked!