Wankers of the Week: Vuvuzela edition


In case you haven’t heard of it (or just plain heard it) yet, the above is a vuvuzela–South Africa’s official noisemaker of the World Cup. It looks like a traffic pylon, comes in plain or fancy colorations, and emits a loud, buzzy hoot when you blow razzberries into it. I had the unfortunate experience of hearing it before I saw it, since I tend to ignore TVs unless the news is on, and the World Cup is just one big racket to me (in both the auditory and the mafiosic sense). My ears are still in recovery.

First time I saw the name was on the tweeter, linked to sites dedicated to the fine art of kvetching about it, building anti-vuvuzela filters for your TV, toning it down if you have a Samsung TV, and calling for bans on it. At first I wondered what they all had against Venezuela. I mean sure, Hugo Chávez isn’t everyone’s cup of cafecito, but really–hating on a country? Then I took a closer look and caught on.


Get together a big soccer stadium full of people with these, and it sounds like a swarm of drunken killer bees, getting their warpath on. Not pleasant, and I can see how people would kvetch about it or want it banned, if their real interest is in watching a soccer match. (Mine’s not soccer. Mine’s the leggy guys in shorts. But I digress.)

Know what’s more annoying than a vuvuzela? A wanker. And this week was full of them. Here they are, blowhards all, in no particular order:

1. Thilo Fucking Sarrazin. Yes, immigrants often do have lower levels of education than the natives of their new country. So what? Most people recognize that this condition is temporary, NOT “about 80 percent hereditary”, and is best helped by the public education system of the new country, as well as tolerant and open-minded citizens doing their bit to help the newcomers acclimatize.

Those are the intelligent ones, mind you. The other kind somehow make it all the way onto the board of directors of the German Bundesbank, where they kvetch and moan about how dirty and dumb all those new immigrants are–especially if they’re brown and have a tendency to walk around in baggy clothing and headscarves. Thus embarrassing the rest of the Bundesbank board mightily, and making Germany look pretty damn stupid in the process.

2. Mahmoud Fucking Abbas. Never mind Hamas and those silly toy rockets. And for a moment, let’s set aside all those Likudnik and Kahanist asswipes in Tel Aviv. What about the “respectable” leader of the Palestinian Authority, effectively aiding and abetting Israel in its illegal efforts to annex Gaza (and starve out its Palestinian denizens)? I guess he doesn’t like Hamas either, it being a rival faction and all, but why take it out on the hides of Gazans?

3. Dov Fucking Charney. Guess where I won’t be shopping anytime in the foreseeable future. Yes, American Apparel, I’m glaring at YOU. Retail jobs suck as it is; does a lookist hiring policy make them any better? Hell, NO. And neither does the nasty, rampant sexism of Dov Charney himself. Just because the company is “sweatshop free”, doesn’t mean its OTHER bad labor practices should get off scot-free. Here’s one small instance where I’ll advocate letting the market take care of the problem: Let’s put market forces to work AGAINST this sort of thing. Don’t apply, and don’t buy. Boycott, baby, boycott!


4. Rand Fucking Paul. Not board-certified to practise? You don’t say. I guess regulation of doctors, even if only by peers, is another bugaboo for this right-wing flibbertigibbertarian. Do you suppose it could be because he wouldn’t pass muster?

5. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why does it just so figure that she wants to meet Maggie Fucking Thatcher? On the bright side, Maggie is in an advanced state of senile dementia, so she and Sawah should get along just fine, if this meeting ever comes off.

6. Joe Fucking Weisenthal. Yeah, our Canadian army is getting massacred in Afghanistan so that you bizmedia blogtards can get all cute and flippant about why they’re over there. Jesus H. Christ!

7. Bill Fucking Kristol. Wow, who knew that machismo was a required presidential trait? And why is it that the most effete fucking wimps in the world, the same ones who would NEVER strap on a rifle and body armor to fight the wars they advocate, are the very ones pushing that ludicrous notion?

8. Chris Fucking Bryant. French is a “useless” language? Quoi? Quel imbécile! Considering how half the world still insists on speaking it, I’d say it’s Bryant who’s useless for failing to comprehend. Or to put it another way: Casse-toi, con de merde. Vas à baiser ma fesse!

9. Charles Fucking McVety. It’s not enough for the biggest Satanist in Ontario to get comprehensive sex-ed quashed here; no, now he wants to take over the world! Which is, of course, why he’s so bitter not to have been invited to the G-20 summit to lead the evil One World Government, no doubt in his capacity as Grand Imperial Poohbah of the Kuckoo Klox Klan.


10. Erik Fucking Prince. Realizing that being a high-profile mercenary mafia boss is not as safe a gig as he’d thought, now he wants to sell Blackwater–oh sorry, Xe, or whatever its next lame name will be–and move to Dubai. Don’t anyone tell him that Dubai is crumbling, and all the mercenary moolah in the world won’t save it–in fact, the Burj Whatever is just begging to be the next big terrorist target, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they hit it. Here’s hoping the Prince of Darkness will be inside at just the right moment.

11. Eleanor Fucking Clitheroe. She’s now an Anglican minister, but hardly a poor church mouse–she’s drawing a $300,000+ yearly pension, based on her “work” (coughwheeze) as chief greedhead at Hydro One, and she STILL thinks that’s not enough to live on. Meanwhile, Ontarians who used to get b
y on much less are wondering why their own incomes aren’t enough to cover the costs of THEIR utilities anymore.

12. Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Oh joy, our summer is going to be a real silly season now–Candy is going on tour (on the public dime?) to promote legalized gun nuttery. Now, some people think the long-gun registry is a colossal waste of money, or a Liberal political pander, or some such rot. My response to them is this: Imagine someone going on tour to promote the notion that motor vehicle registration should be scrapped because it costs money to maintain a registry. I’m sure a lot of pickup truck owners would be pleased, but is this really fair to victims of aggressive drivers? Or the police, whose job it is to keep the roads safe, and who rely on motor-vehicle registries to help them do so?

13. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Bristol Palin is a precious little lamb who is off limits for criticism, but Malia Obama is a nasty ghetto bitch eager to “shake down” that poor, beleaguered BP man who was just walking innocently down the street in Harlem when his oil well blew. No, of course you’re not racist, Rush…you’re just a “serious, serious”-ly fugly old white slug who hates everything and everybody. And that bulging artery inside your brain can’t blow out soon enough.


14. Carl-Henric Fucking Svanberg. Too late to apologize. You let slip no more than what you really think of the overwhelming majority of people. Those “small people” won’t seem so small when they’re coming for you and the rest of the incompetent moronic greedheads at BP with pitchforks, torches, tar (from the Gulf of Mexico!) and feathers, rest assured.

15. Lindsay Fucking Blackett. If Canadian culture is shit, why are you a culture minister? Oh wait–you’re from Alberta. That explains a lot. What does YOUR culture consist of, again? Whining about the rest of Canada and how inferior to the US it is. Yeah, that’s pretty shitty, all right.

16. Fucking Monsanto. Not content to monopolize North America with its Frankencrops, now it’s gunning for Europe, where GMO shit is largely banned. First stop, Germany. ¡No pasaran! Korporationsnazis raus!

17. The Fucking San Francisco Chronicle. Firing Robert Scheer–a Jew–for saying Palestinians should be treated like Jews by the Israelis? I suppose they’re going to claim he meant gas them and shove them into crematory ovens at Auschwitz. He didn’t. Whatever excuse they make is gonna stink to high heaven. Just like the crematoria at Auschwitz. Or the white phosphorus Israel dumped on Gaza.

18. Rick Fucking Barber. What’s funnier: this dumb goober running for the US Congress, or this dumb goober claiming that the IRS “forces business owners to spy on themselves” and that the people “have no representation”? Um, dude–if the people have no representation, why are you running for the House of Representatives?


19. and 20. Terry Fucking Tremaine and Paul Fucking Fromm. The one can’t stop wanking out his racism and antisemitism over the Internets; the other isn’t clear on the concept of what the Internets are for. Sheer comedy gold from the Goofus and Gallant of the Canadian far-right.

21. Faytene Fucking Kryskow, AGAIN. Speaking of the Canadian far-right, did you know this crazy Christer is a closet racist? It’s true! Just ask the aboriginal dignitaries who were unfortunate enough to take her up on her invites to the lamb-slaughters which her group of fundie wackos likes to throw now and again. Something tells me they won’t make that mistake twice.

22. Sharron Fucking Angle. If you thought #21 was an obscene theocrat, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet. This one, from south of our border, wants to take away everything except Jeebus and guns. (The real Jesus would kick her to the curb on sight. As he would anyone who’s a follower of R.J. Fucking Rushdoony.)

23. Zach Fucking Wamp. No doubt he’s descended from the original Mug Wump, and, like a true mugwump, changed the name only to avoid recognition. Didn’t work; we’re onto him.

24. Adrian Fucking Lamo, again. Last week’s suspicion is now confirmed. This wanker turned in a heroic leaker just for the egoboo. Well, his ego deserves a boo, all right…and a hiss, and a loud razzberry, blown through the world’s biggest fucking vuvuzela.

25. The Fucking Canada-Israel Committee. Why?


That’s why. Not even bothering to attempt a gaywash, they go straight for apartheid AND homophobia in the same breathless tweet. That’s a lot of wankage in just 140 keystrokes (or less)!

26. Gary Fucking Bass. Essentially, not apologizing on behalf of the RCFuckingMP for tasering a poor confused Polish immigrant to death. If that’s not the height of wankitude, I don’t know what is.

27. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Just when you figured she’d hit the limit for batshit craziness, she totally redraws that line in the oil-soaked sand. Way to go, bitch. You make BP turtleburners happy.


28. Haley Fucking Barbour. See above, and add profits before people, ecology or endangered species. Way to go, BP turtleburner SOB.

29. Victoria Fucking Jackson. Unfunny Miami teabagger is too dumb to do anything but count calories, and I wouldn’t trust her even to get THAT right. BTW, here’s another thing she got wrong: Bill Clinton’s second term was already up when sh
e “voted him out”.
Oh wait–she confesses she didn’t vote for anyone, EVER, she was too dumb “Christian” to register. Never mind vote for anyone with an R beside their name “because it’s closest to the Bible”. How does this insanely stupid woman manage to go on breathing?


And finally, to whoever the hell came up with the vuvufuckingzela. What a wanker you are, unknown sir. I bet you masturbate in yours every night while counting your profits. May your schlong get stuck in it, and may the hospital not have enough K-Y jelly to extricate you.

Good night, and get fucked.

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One Response to Wankers of the Week: Vuvuzela edition

  1. Polaris says:

    When I was a kid a friend and I tried an experiment with those plastic stadium horns. We were about 3/4 of a mile apart in an urban area with many buildings and could easily signal to each other with the horns. It was fun to time how many seconds it took for the sounds to travel the distance. They were powerful enough to make echoes.
    We were 13 years old at the time and it took some practice to produce enough lung power to get the horns going full blast. They can practically knock a person down if you get a bunch of them hooting simultaneously.

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