Wankers of the Week: Crappy Canada Day!

Yup, that’s our fair flag, hanging upside down among the nations. A fitting close to the Canada Day Weekend festivities, no? There was certainly enough reason up here for us to fly it in the “in distress” position–our democracy is officially in a shambles. But maybe in a topsy-turvy world, that flag is really flying right-side-up. Certainly it is if you look at it through the eyes of the following backwardniks:

1. Ratzi the Fucking Nazi. It’s time somebody said it, isn’t it? This time, His UnHoliness earned his title by bitching about cops gathering evidence against the church in Belgium. Seems it’s embroiled in a little child-sex ring there. Oh sweet Jesus, where is it NOT? Just more proof that the church can’t and won’t police itself, and it’s pissy when outside authorities–LEGAL authorities–try to do their job. They’re all going straight to hell for that.

2. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Watch out, New Orleans strippers…Big-Hearted Billo is coming, in person, to stuff falafel in your garters!

3. Kory Fucking Teneycke, again. All-news TV is “flat”? (Like your world, Kory?) Oh, that must be why those who watch it can’t unglue their eyes from it. I would like to take the time to remind my readers, in case you’ve forgotten, that the same argument was advanced by Conrad Black against Canada’s other two national newspapers (and yes, the Toronto Star is national–it out-circulates the Globe and Mail and National Pest combined) when he launched the National Post. Which has been hemorrhaging money and readership steadily since then. Probably because, rather than being flat, it comes off fluffy–as well as fucked in the head. Just like its intended readership–the brain-dead right-wing sheeple who prize sensationalism over factuality. Sheeple, in other words, just like Kory the SupposiTory.

4. Lara Fucking Logan. Used to be she did decent, critical reporting on the War on Terra. Now she’s suddenly an apologist for a big-britches general who was rightly dismissed? Lara, please remember who it was that seized on Pat Tillman’s erroneous killing to create crapaganda and got away with it. And don’t do anything like that yourself. Y’hear?

5. Joel Fucking Stein. Oh, won’t someone please save the town of Edison, New Jersey, from all these brown-skinned, Hindi-speaking curry-eaters? Won’t someone please think of all the delicate sensibilities being offended by the presence of these non-white immigrants and their Bollywood movies??? PS: Oh, typical. So it was all a big joke? Funny how India isn’t laughing. But the wanker is whining about THAT, too. Which just makes him a BIGGER wanker.

Yes, this was the actual illustration that went with the lame, whiny-ass, racist story. TIME magazine’s editors are also wankers…for running them both.

6. Dan Fucking Gainor. Poor conservatives, the media just isn’t enough on side with them. I mean, what good is it if it doesn’t just kiss their asses, but slip it the tongue, too?

7. Sharron Fucking Angle. By now, we know what kind of Angle she is…incredibly fucking obtuse. How else to explain that she thinks rape and incest are somehow part of “God’s plan”, and that victims just need to “have a little faith”? If that were the case, why be in favor of birth control…isn’t that going against God’s Plan? (Consistency, like sharpness, isn’t part of her divine “plan”, as you can see.)

8. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. His crappy little website is offering a $100,000 “reward” to anyone willing to sell out and invade Dave Weigel’s privacy. Aside from the obvious illegality (and piss-poor journalistic ethics!) of that, where did this snivelly little shit get that kind of money? And what makes him think a cheap stunt like this is going to “save the country”? And from what? Everyone with more than two brain cells to rub together knows raging conservatives are the worst friggin’ enemies the US could possibly have. Every scheme they’ve ever come up with for “saving” the country, ended up wrecking it when implemented.

9. Bill Fucking Blair. Is there anything about Toronto’s chief of police that didn’t shout WANKER! this entire fucking week? Arrogant, homophobic, autocratic…and totally insensitive to the suffering of the innocent people his thugs roughed up. He has got to resign. Or be impeached. At this point, I don’t care which, as long as he fucking GOES.

Photoshop courtesy Fillibluster.

10. Marc Fucking Ouellet. What to do with a rabid old anti-choicer who sweeps child sex abuse scandals under the rug and denies victims an apology? Well, if you are well connected at the Vatican, you promote the fucker. Next up for this epic failure of humanity: the papacy, no doubt.

11. Don Fucking Feder. Chicken Little claims the Western sky is falling because not enough white people are reproducing. Yet, strangely, we palefaces still manage to fuck up the environment, and other countries, just fine, even with so few baybeez. That’s efficiency, Don!

12. Steve Fucking Blow. Yo, asshole, there’s nothing “refreshing” about sexual abuse, be it hetero or homo. Ask victims how they feel–they feel DIRTY. Letting priests get married is not the real solution to the problem; the solution is to kill the notion of men being entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it, regardless of whom it hurts. Rape is NOT about sex, it’s about POWER–just ask any survivor, who I’m sure finds being powerless incredibly sexy (ha).

13. The Fucking Texas Republican Party. They want to outlaw WHAT? I do hope they realize that e
verything they’re trying to make illegal is actually an escape valve from the pressure cooker of right-wing politics and religion. Grand Old Implosion in 5…4…3…2…

14. Eyal Fucking Nahum. Where the hell does one find the energy to groom four thousand underage girls online for sex? I guess it helps if you’re a geek, and work with computers for a living. It also helps to be in the Israeli army, the sweetest smelling military in the world. (*cheapcolognecoughcoughwheeze*)

15. Christie Fucking Blatchford. That Bill Fucking Blair lies is a given. That Christie Fucking Blatchford aids and abets him in it is also a given. That both are major, MAJOR wankers…well, fill in the blank, kiddies.

16. Mel Fucking Gibson. That he’s an anti-semite is known. But that he’s also a racist? Er, color me SO not surprised. At this point, the only thing about him that surprises ME is that he’s still running around loose, and not being ushered into a nice rubber room by some big guys in white coats.

17. Jim Fucking Hoft. Hey Jimbo, here’s what a real flip-off looks like, courtesy of Our Man in Black:

And rest assured, just for calling yourself a “pundit”, you deserve it–dumbass.

18. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. I’m sorry, the Premier of Ontario doesn’t want a what? Oh right. That accountability stuff doesn’t apply to anyone in office. I seem to recall that some of us voted for him because he wasn’t Mike Fucking Harris. Bad mistake! He went from promising to fix what Mikey broke–to duplicating all of Mikey’s greatest shits. I’m beginning to see where that “power corrupts” adage was coming from.

19. Michael Fucking Steele. Ever wonder why I call him an Uncle Tom? Read Harriet Beecher Stowe sometime. This one is still bowing and scraping to Ol’ Massa Bush, while laying all his crimes on Barack Obama. Who started the war in Afghanistan, again? It’s been going on WAY longer than World War II by now. You KNOW someone is a wanker when even an old dyed-in-the-wool wank like The Bloody Kristol isn’t defending him anymore.

20. John Fucking Eldredge. Behold:

“”Capes and swords, camouflage, bandannas and six shooters-these are the uniforms of boyhood. Little boys yearn to know that they are powerful, they are dangerous, they are something to be reckoned with. How many parents have tried to prevent little Timmy from playing with guns? Give it up. If you do not supply a boy with weapons, he will make them from whatever materials are at hand. My boys chew their graham crackers into the shape of handguns at the breakfast table.”” –John Eldredge, from Wild At Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul

“When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” –St. Paul, First Epistle to the Corinthians, verse 33 (King James edition)

“Stop giving your kids graham crackers for breakfast, and for God’s sake, stop fucking glorifying warfare. You’re warping their underdeveloped minds, you goddamned dumbass.” –me

21. Bill Fucking Gladstone. Jesus Christ, what a fucking hasbaratnik putz. You’d think the entire G-20 protest was nothing but Black Block, and the marches were the next fucking Kristallnacht. Bill, why don’t you put blame where it really belongs–ON THE FUCKING COPS??? (PS: Those ugly digs at QuAIA and us Germans? Not kosher either, you schmuck.)

22. Ryan Fucking Doyle. I don’t get Montreal radio stations on my dial (Southern Ontario is out of range), but my soul-sister CK does. Clicky da linky to see her tear a few strips off one wannabe Limbaugh of the North.

23. Bill Fucking Keller. When is torture NOT torture? When it’s an “enhanced interrogation technique”. And the rightards accuse us lefties of PC word policing? Sheesh. I guess it’s okay when they do it (and the Old Grey Whore aids and comforts them with an obliging crapaganda foray.)

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Whatever the hell she said this week, it was a lie, a cowflop, a wank. See how easy that is?

25. The Fucking IDF. Yes, kiddies, the Israeli army lies. Not just occasionally–CONSTANTLY. You probably knew that already, but just in case you didn’t, well…now you do. Just like the stormtroopers at the G-20, they need any excuse or pretext they can get to crack dissenting heads.

And finally, to Stephen Fucking Harper. Thanks a lot, shit-ass, for fucking our democracy. I guess now we know what you meant by being unable to recognize Canada when you got through with it. Or was it your overlords in Washington? Whatever, motherfucker–I recognized you the moment I heard how many Harrisite Parasites you had on your team of “advisors”. I wish you a speedy impeachment and a painful political death, preferably involving a huge sex scandal.

Good night, and get fucked!