Wankers of the Week: Hot in the shitty edition

Okay, I apologize for that. Billy Idol will always be hot and NEVER shitty. These people? Just the other way ’round:

1. Michelle Fucking Malkin. I did not even know there WAS a “New Black Panther Party”. But don’t worry, folks, the Asian White Supremacist is right on them, valiantly defending us poor endangered white folks from being viciously aborted and cannibalized by evil, evil Africans! Isn’t that sweet of her? (And isn’t it telling how she compares this largely imaginary racist threat with the very real one that is the Teabagger Party?)

2. Glenn Fucking Beck. Take your pick as to what made him wank this week, kiddies. Was it Michelle Obama’s dress sense? Was it blatant anti-semitism? Or was it all the fucking race-baiting? Any way you slice it, he’s a winner (pronounced “wiener”)!

3. Mike Fucking Adams. Eat shit, Mikey, THIS “godless heathen dissident” isn’t giving you ANY power. And neither, I think, will all the other godless heathen dissidents you’re trying to overpower with your militant McCarthyite stupidity.

4. Rona Fucking Ambrose. Let’s face it, if she really cared about saving women from honor killings–or cared as much about women as she apparently does about dyeing and ironing her hair–she’d be announcing additional funding for the long-gun registry, women’s shelters, and community education and awareness campaigns against domestic violence. She’s done NONE of that. Instead, she’s babbling nonsense about “looking at” amending the criminal code to cover crimes it already covers…assault, battery, kidnapping and murder. Only, you know, THOSE people, the brown ones with the veiled women, they need SPECIAL laws to keep their little brown butts in line with our whitey-white Canadian values. Dumb, dumb, dumb…and RACIST, too.

5. Mel Fucking Gibson, AGAIN. I’m sorry…WHO has no soul? Dude, you’re the one who just had to stick his dick into her, wrecking your own long-standing marriage in the process. And I’m sure her soul was the least of your concerns at the time. (We’ll not even mention her tight clothes and big fake boobs.)

6. Steve Fucking Krakauer. The “New Black Panther Party” is a NON-story. Why should anyone other than FUX Snooze cover it? Do the media really want to go down that rabbit-hole-o-stoopid every single fucking time FUX does? That’s how Dubya got proclaimed (not elected) president!

7. All the Fucking Harpocrats in Parliament. But especially Dean Fucking Del Mastro. “Lining up with the anarchists”–talk about deserving to be toppled. Yeah, just a “cheap political stunt”, as opposed to the EXPENSIVE one that was the G-20 fuckery. ¡Que se vayan TODOS!

8. Richard Fucking Cohen. So nice to know that Roman Fucking Polanski is not a child-sex abuser after all. Because aren’t ALL 13-year-olds just little drunken jezebels who are merely “seduced”, not SODOMIZED? (I take it that he doesn’t have a daughter, and that he’s never actually talked to a traumatized teenager who’s been raped.)

9. Whoopi Fucking Goldberg. Much as it pains me to include her on the list this week, anyone who’d defend Mel Fucking Gibson has got it coming. I don’t care what Oksana Grigorieva’s “motives” for recording that ugly racist tirade were–he said it, he wasn’t prompted, it was awful, he threatened her life–isn’t that enough for anyone to see that the man is an indefensible fucking troll? Jayzus. I guess his having money really DOES excuse everything, for SOME people.

10. Simon Maxwell Fucking Apter. Maradona won the World Cup AFTER Argentina had reverted to democracy. Shitty historical analysis, anyone? And no, fascism does NOT make for better soccer, either…Uruguay has had its best World Cup showing since its great victory in 1950. When it was a welfare-state democracy. And it is one again now. And since when was Britain fascist? Check this page and get back to me.

11. Matt Fucking Drudge. Yeah, there’s nothing like bogus accusations of a First Lady hell-bent on racial warfare to get the “base” wanking like mad. Too bad the warfare is against childhood obesity, not Whitey. Maybe if she’d mentioned that white kids get fat, too–but no, that would probably offend him even more, because everyone knows that white people are so much better than all the rest.

12. Bob Fucking Johnson (and all those other Fucking Teabaggers in Iowa.) Damn, ain’t Godwin’s Law a bitch when the shoe’s on the wrong foot (and there’s a bullet hole in both, to boot)? Look who’s gonna lose an election based on that:

Yay, Iowa Teabags! Cliff’s thataway! —> Don’t stop running–go go GO!!!

13. Robin Fucking Potwora. Stoopid, meet Scary–oh. I see you’ve already had a child together. Never mind!

14. Sharron Fucking Angle. So she says God wants her to win? Yeah, she really says that. It’s all just a part of God’s great plan, along with rape and incest. What will she say when she loses? I know what I’ll be saying.

15. Rob Fucking Ford. Aggressive? Manhandles people in anger? You don’t say. I would never have guessed it of him!

16. Dick Fucking Morris. Still got that ho’s toes in your mouth, Dick? Oh, my mistake–that’s your own foo
t in there. Aside from the bullshit about liberals, do I detect a whiff of racism in that dig at minorities? Dick, you really need to wash your feet better before you go shoving them in that big ol’ mouth of yours.

17. Adam Fucking Josephs. Remember the asshole cop who threatened to bust a G-20 protester for blowing bubbles? Guess what, his Facebook page is just as entertaining as the video. He works for the City of Toronto–“collecting human garbage”. Nice, eh?

Oh, and he’s now a ‘toon!

How about that…you make an asshole of yourself, and the next thing you know, you’re animated. Some dicks have all the luck!

18. Tom Fucking Emmer. When you try to nickel-and-dime the wait-staff out of a chance at a decent living, sometimes a penny drops…right on your head. And not from heaven, either. PS: You can also contact this wage-killing wanker here.

19. Mark Fucking Williams. Hello, WHO is a “professional race-baiter”, again? And what organization did you say YOU were with? Oh yeah: “Tea Party Express Inc.”–gee, sounds professional to me. And of course, we all know THEY never race-bait:

PS: For those who think anything can be done about this profoundly not-racist movement, sign Color of Change’s petition here.

PPS: No, Mark, you’re not a BIT racist. Not. A. Bit!

20. Jay Fucking Bybee. Here’s a thought for you, judge: If you’re really concerned about your own reputation and your family’s well-being, how about NOT FUCKING SANCTIONING TORTURE??? Innocent people have gone through hell because of you, their lives and reputations are more than ruined, THEIR families are in grave danger, some have died as a direct result of what you did, and you think you did a good job and now have the nerve to whine about your own well-deserved disrepute and the “attention” it’s brought your family? Fuck you, judge–fuck you on a waterboard.

21. Tony Fucking Clement. We Ontarians know he’s a liar–knew it from way back, when he was one of the Pathologically Lying Harrisite Parasites that made the 1990s so hellish in our fair province. Now, alas, the rest of Canada gets to find out for themselves just how badly he sucks. Sorry, folks.

22. Fucking “Springer”. Since when have the Yanks bailed “our sorry Canadian asses” out of ANYTHING? Since, oh, like NEVER. Dumbass forgets that we were in both world wars when the Yanks were still sitting on their twiddling thumbs. Dumbass also forgets who torched the White House in the War of 1812–and no, it wasn’t the Taliban or al-Qaida. Dumbass forgets, most of all, who’s been doing the Yanks’ scut-work over there in Afghanistan, God only knows why. A fucking pipeline isn’t worth it, and it’s certainly NOT a matter of OUR national security.

23. The Fucking Vatican. El Residente is so right…it IS a mafia. But hey. If they think female ordination is a “sin” on the same order as pedophilia, that means they should actually have no problem with it, as long as it’s swept under the rug. Just like all the other sins devout Catholic clerics commit.

And finally, to “JoAnn”, who pooped here. Funny how she defends one half of a criminal couple while leaving the other half alone. Why so selective, sweetie? Do you believe, like those who defend Roman Fucking Polanski and Mel Fucking Gibson, that money and fame should be insulators against any and all criminal charges? If so, congrats–you’re a typical member of what H. L. Mencken called the booboisie. If Patricia Poleo were a typical Venezuelan–that is, non-white and non-wealthy–she’d be rotting in jail by now. But since she got away on a luxury yacht and squats in Miami, where you also squat, she must be innocent! Um, no. She is so NOT–if she were, she’d have stuck around, stood trial, and been FOUND innocent. I don’t suppose it’s occurred to you that her timing in fucking off to Miami was awfully convenient; she did it just before the law came for her. Innocent people don’t have that kind of timing. But thanks for inadvertently revealing just what rotten logic the Venezuelan oligarchy and their valiant Miamero defenders subscribe to. It is definitely the media trend of the year, if the Polanski/Gibson thing is any indication.

Good night, and get fucked!