Wankers of the Week: Hunter S. Thompson tribute edition

Happy Saturday night! Welcome to a special tribute edition of Wankers of the Week. This week, we pay tribute to an intelligent whackjob who said a number of interesting and quotable things. If only all the world’s whackjobs could be so worthwhile and entertaining. Alas, it’s up to me to MAKE them so, so here we go, with a little help from my friends, and occasional interjections from our late lamented honoree…

1. Tony Fucking Clement. No, he’s not REALLY a hero, as he did NOT pluck a woman out of a raging current. He stupidly jumped in fully clothed after her before she, wisely, decided to back-float until her real rescuers–Clement’s wife and father-in-law–threw her a lifejacket and hauled her in with a rope. Tony’s a wanker for trying to take the credit here.

2. James Fucking Jones. I’ve already listed Adrian Fucking Lamo, now see if you can spot the wank here in the last paragraph:

Meanwhile, military leaders far higher up the chain of command are contending with the fallout from Sunday’s massive document dump. National Security Adviser Gen. James Jones released a statement reaffirming the White House’s determination to stay the course in Afghanistan and Pakistan: “The United States strongly condemns the disclosure of classified information by individuals and organizations which could put the lives of Americans and our partners at risk, and threaten our national security. WikiLeaks made no effort to contact us about these documents — the United States government learned from news organizations that these documents would be posted. These irresponsible leaks will not impact our ongoing commitment to deepen our partnerships with Afghanistan and Pakistan; to defeat our common enemies; and to support the aspirations of the Afghan and Pakistani people.”

Seen it yet?

Actually, there are several wanks embedded here: “Could put the lives…at risk”–like going to war in a place they have no business being hasn’t done so already? Please. How can they be any more at risk than they are already? “Could threaten our national security”–US generals have a nasty ingrained habit of saying that about everything. They said it, I’m sure, when the Bonus Army marched on Washington to claim their unpaid bonuses for fighting World War I. “Wikileaks made no effort to contact us about these documents”–as though it were Julian Assange & Co.’s job to say “Mother, may I?” Why do you think they call themselves Wikileaks? (Strangely absent from this “national security” discourse: Any criticism of Assange and friends for “leaking” the supposed contents of Raúl Reyes’ “magic laptop”, which mysteriously survived a Colombian army bombing in the jungles of Ecuador. Colombia had help from Washington, remember.) And the crowning wank of all, which I’m sure must have made him jizz in his pants: “These irresponsible leaks will not impact our ongoing commitment…” …to keep fighting a war that they had no business even starting. That was the whole point of the leak, as Bradley Manning himself has said–to compel an end to this stupid war. Only a pluperfect wanker would be committed to continuing what should never have been started in the first place.

And actually, as you may have guessed, the general’s wank is wankier than you think.

3. Ron Fucking Ramsey. Sez Islam is “a cult”. What church doe HE attend, again? Guaranfuckingtee you it comes up “cult” on the Bonewits Cult Danger Evaluation Frame.

4. Zachary Fucking Chesser. Well, at least now we know whom to blame for that Draw Mohammed Day bullshit and other meaningless exercises in pretend free speech. Thanks a lot, asshole.

5. Vera Fucking Kobalia. A privileged oligarch getting unearned privileges (that is, MORE of them than she already enjoyed) from a tie-eating wanker (also of unearned privilege) from Tblisi–after meeting him at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver? Color me so shocked. And pissed off, too, that this spoiled foreign bimbo gets to spend her “college” years dancing on tables in nightclubs, with buckets of champagne at her feet, while so many of us common plebes, myself included, did NOT party our educations away in designer dresses but kept our noses to the grindstone, and all for nothing.This is the “democracy” the media told us to clap for? Rose Revolution, my ASS.

6. Marcel Fucking Avraham. Brings big acts to Israel out of “a sense of Zionism”. And an eye toward the shekels, perchance? Oh, perish the thought! No, srsly, he’s a brown-noser! Really!

7. Kenneth Fucking Klassen, AGAIN. Yeah, those underage, prostituted girls were really “willing”. When you’re starving and there’s a pimp twisting your arm and you’re too small and young to fight back, that’s willingness, innit?

8. Ian Fucking Mulgrew. Most. Ignorant. Fucking. Wingnut. Columnist. EVER. Yeah, corporations collecting and selling our personal data is a GREAT idea. Shoot, who needs an impartial agency like StatsCan collating anonymous data on the populace at large and making it available to researchers who actually serve the public good, when you can have people trying to sell you crap you neither want nor need, based solely on your “demographic”–and whatever hackers can glean off of FACEBOOK? I mean shit, what’s a public good, anyway? Privatize the fuck out of everything–why should the Third World have all the fun?

9. Christopher Fucking Stone. The fact that this obvious douchebag made it as far as USC law school is absurd enough, but he claims he did it on the basis of his obviously hinky (and I suspect, owing to their rapey content, highly illegal) porn sites. Doesn’t say much for USC if it’s true. And if he does manage to make it as far as the bar exam, let alone passing it, all those jokes about sharks not biting lawyers out of professional courtesy might find a whole new basis in fact.

10. Ann Fucking Coulter. Her smile is starting to look a little photoshopped; they had to get rid of that rabies-froth around her mouth somehow. Now, if only they would do the humane thing and take her to the vet to be put to sleep. Obviously the poor bitch is in misery, because nothing she says is making even a subatomic particle of sense anymore. Did no one at Subhuman Events Onwhine get the message that rabies is a disease of the central nervous system, and that it is incurable and fatal? Clearly none of those jackanapes have had THEIR shots, either. Put ’em all down, I say.

11. Baruch Fucking Marzel. Going too far? Yeah, I should say so. Telling others whom to marry (or not) is creepy enough (and what does it concern HIM, anyway?), but calling for the murder of Israeli peace leader Uri Avnery is just plain criminal. Why is this man not behind bars yet?

12. Phylis Fucking Schlafly. Why has this dinosaur not gone extinct yet? Has she, like the Coultergeist, discovered the secret to surviving with a bad case of rabies-induced brain rot? Or she just an embalmed corpse with an embedded tape recorder, playing tinny recorded messages to the world? Either way, this one’s past her expiry date too.

13. Mike Fucking Duffy. A conflict of interests? Say it ain’t so. The question is, when will Puffy’s family loyalty (never to mention good sense, because he frankly hasn’t got any) finally overcome his creepy attachment to partisan ideology? Because in the case of the Incompetent RCMP Commissioner, something’s gotta give in the end…

14. Glenn Fucking Beck. Yeah, he’s going straight to hell. Love of money really IS the root of all evil. And if you wonder how he managed to rake so much of it in when his advertisers are dropping him all over the place, wonder no more. His biggest one is the one he’s still relentlessly shilling for by talking up Goldline–and a lot of revisionist history. I just pity the fools who fell for this barely-legal scam.

15. Robert Fucking Pickton. The only new trial he’s going to get is for any additional victims the police may uncover. In any event, I doubt he will ever be found innocent. A guy who is best known for feeding chopped-up women to pigs is just not gonna stand a snowball’s chance. Funny dat.

16. Terry Fucking Jones. Anyone who says “Islam is of the Devil” (and has written a book by that title!) is not credible when he claims to have “nothing against Muslims”. Dude, you’re advocating the burning of their holy books. If that’s not something against them, what is? Can you not just smell the brimstone of your own hypocrisy? Well, maybe I should get together a group of my pagan friends and come burn down your church, then tell you it’s nothing against you, we just think your religion is of the devil. Would you like that?

17. Leah Fucking Durant. What the hell is a black progressive woman doing in bed with white supremacists? Oh, I see–it’s called “immigration reform”. Immigration deformation is more like it. How can she have failed to do her homework on these co-opting weasels? Suddenly, I see where that saying about what the road to hell is paved with came from.

18. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Yeah, I’ll just bet that was hard for you, asshole. Hard to take time out from drinking to make racist shit up and smear an innocent, hard-working government employee who saved a white man’s farm whether he was initially polite to her or not. You want to speak to Shirley Sherrod in private? Fine. You can do so after apologizing in public. PROFUSELY. And quitting your hackwork and getting an HONEST job for a change. Can you do that?

19. Edward Fucking Davenport. With a moat full of cognac so big “you could row across it”, you could get drunk as a lord, all right. Too bad the neighbors don’t care for this professional “lord” brown-noser and the noise his star-studded parties generate.

20. Rob Fucking Anders. That’s right, point the finger at China and ignore the real elephants in Canada’s living room: Israel, and the US.

21. Brian Fucking Sandoval. Why does this word “apátrido” keep worming its way into my head, and whatever could it mean? And these other two words, too: “racist” and “hypocrite”.

22. John Fucking Solomon. Yeah, I can see why he writes for the Washington Moonie Times. With mad obscurantist skillz like those, I’m surprised he’s not writing BP’s press releases for them!

23. Mike Fucking Mullen. Oh yeah, the Taliban are all scouring Wikileaks for current information on people to kill. As if their own eyes and ears in the field weren’t quite up to the job. Who believes this hokum, seriously? If you really care about soldiers dying in Afghanistan, the solution is simple and doesn’t involve censorship; it involves ENDING THE DAMN WAR.

24. Richard Fucking Stengel. Talk about defending the indefensible: A grossly exploitive picture of an Afghan woman with only half her nose is being touted as “what happens when we leave Afghanistan”. And TIME’s managing editor seems to sincerely believe that is the case. Only problem is, it happened while “we” were IN Afghanistan. And it undoubtedly happened BECAUSE “we” were in Afghanistan. Remember, the Taliban are the mutant form of the mujahideen promoted by Reagan (and financed and trained by the CIA) in the 1980s to get the “godless communist” Russians out of Afghanistan. How do you like your Vietnam now, USA?

25. Raymond Fucking Learsy. Actually, that oil cutoff Chavecito is “threatening” won’t happen, IF the US stops interfering politically in Venezuela and starts doing business honestly with him for a change. Therefore, that’s not “foolish” on his part, it’s damn smart of him to serve his would-be overlords due notice. What’s foolish is expecting him to go on tolerating the State Dept.’s nonsense indefinitely, or hoping that the opposition (a bunch of spoiled, corrupt, charmless assclowns with not one whole working brain divided among them) will somehow prove capable of winning against him democratically, or succeeding in a coup. So far they’ve done nothing of the sort. Nor will they ever, as long as he’s around–and even if he’s NOT around, they still won’t succeed at anything other than toadying to foreign empires. Which is exactly what the grand majority of the Venezuelan people DO NOT WANT. Who’s the fool? Learsy, and whoever’s paying him to write crapaganda defaming an elected and justly popular leader. Hey Learsy, remember the winter of 2002-3? Obviously you don’t, but Venezuelans do. That’s when the oil industry was paralyzed by the corruptos toadying to the US within it. Venezuelans didn’t exactly eat rocks then, but they did tighten their belts and bunker down. Who caved? The merchant class, not the common folk. Meanwhile, the crooks who locked the rank-and-file oil workers out of their jobs were dismissed for dereliction of duty, and retired managers stepped in to take their place and get the oil flowing again. The best weapon the US had against Venezuela–its stranglehold on the oil industry–FAILED! What makes you think it’s gonna be any different if Chavecito decides to stop selling to you because you keep trying to kill him? He’s got other economic heavyweight customers lined up and deals already signed–with India, China, Japan, etc. It’s not as if he’ll miss your greenbacks all THAT much. You think the US is the only game in town? The more fool you. So you can stop threatening him with economic ruin; Chavecito knows you ain’t all that. (And so do the many commenters taking you to task below your stupid hit-piece, happily.)

26. Werner Fucking Patels. Wow, who knew that an empty barrel could make so much goddamned noise? (Check out the banner at the top of his page if you don’t believe me. Self-important much?)

27. and 28. Lucy Fucking Viner-Mood and Lois Fucking Gibson. Shouldn’t you be torturing the guy who had sex with your friend, not your friend for having sex with him? With friends like you, the women of the world sure don’t need any more enemies.

29. The Fucking ADL. They started out with a decent-enough purpose–protecting Jews from the bigotry of others. Now they’re apparently nothing more than a crapaganda organ, churning out the same old hateful music as the Palinesque fundies of the Religious Reich, only minus the Christ. If they were truly against defamation, wouldn’t they refrain from doing it themselves? It’s worth noting that the Jewish Community Centre of New York, the United Jewish Federation, Mayor Michael Bloomberg (Jewish himself, obviously) and 250 9-11 victims’ families all support the so-called “Ground Zero Mosque” that the ADL is at such pains to call “painful to some”.

30. Oh yeah, and lest we forget Sarah Fucking Palin–fascism has come not only carrying the cross and wrapped in the flag, but all blinged out in it. Literally.

And finally, on a personal note, to “Jamie”, who chose last week’s wankapedia to out himself as what he is: Nice job, dude. Saved me the icky slimy work of having to winkle you out. Would that all wingnuts were so co-operative.

Good night, and get fucked!