Wankers of the Week: Too hot to hoot edition

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Dayum, what a stinkingly hot week it’s been here in Southern Ontario. The other night I boiled a pot of eggs for my salad just by sticking it out the window for a few seconds. Okay, I jest. But, no joke, this heat has addled a lot of brains, and some of the following were already there long before now…

1. Tim Fucking Hudak. Don’t blame the cops for G-20 mayhem, says the Harrisite Parasite. Oh right. Because right-wing policy makers and police who blindly obey are NEVER the problem, only the dissidents who refuse to fall in line and cower behind their closed window blinds like good little sheeple “citizens”. Tim, have you ever heard of provocateurs? Because guess what, asshole, you are one. And that “group of lawless hooligans”? That was YOUR SIDE, Tim!

BTW, you know you’re doing a piss-poor job of maintaining democratic order when THIS place is outdoing you:

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Suck on THEM eggs, Timbo.

2. Kevin Fucking Gray. Whatever happened to the vows of poverty, chastity and obedience? Just pro forma, I guess. Meanwhile, won’t someone think of the poor rentboys and their sad deficiency of Armani?

3. Sharron Fucking Angle. Here’s some free advice for her (not that she’s likely to take it): If you don’t want to look like an asshole, DON’T BE ONE! You can’t image-manage your character flaws away.

4. Terry Fucking Savage. Since when is giving things away a character flaw? Since someone claiming to possess “The Savage Truth!” [sic] declared it to be, and decided to slam a children’s lemonade stand as emblematic of “what is wrong with America today”. Christ, what a puny-minded corpofascist wanker. You know what’s REALLY wrong with your country, dude? People like YOU. Lay the fuck off those innocent kids. And if you don’t want the damn lemonade, don’t drink it! Nobody said you had to. I hope you dry up and blow away.

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. Why? Because, because, because, because, BECAUUUUUSE…because of the stoopid things he does! We’re off to see the Blizzard, the Blunderful Blizzard of Blahs!

6. The Fucking Toronto City Council. Why?

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and:

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That’s why.

7. Andrew Fucking Potter. Yeah, blame the protesters for their “meta” (what does that word mean, anyway?) fixation on human rights, instead of doing your job and learning how to report facts. You just don’t fucking get it; it seems to me you just don’t fucking get anything. You and others like you are the reason I quit reading Maclean’s. You and others like you are the reason the magazine sucks, the reason journalism is in trouble, and indeed, the reason human rights are in trouble. And when the stormtroops are bashing MY head in, I’m gonna blame you and people like YOU, you craptacular crapaganda wank, for not doing your due diligence and reporting on the growing authoritarian menace in Canada back when it was still possible to do so.

8. Michael Fucking Taube. “What sensible person would have wanted to be downtown during the G20, knowing the problems that could potentially occur?” Funny thing to say, considering that you’re a former speechwriter for one of the least sensible people in the country. (And you are also still one of the least sensible people in the country yourself, praising police brutality and the anti-leftist crackdown as you do, asshole.)

9. Michelle Fucking Bachmann. Or rather, all the fucking idiots who send her money. Who knew that it was so profitable to be only marginally less batshit and stupid than all your batshit and stupid supporters?

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10. Dalton Fucking McGuinty. A Harpocrat stooge all along? Color me so shocked. Dumb analogies, too. PS: Someone on the tweeter suggested calling him Dalton McGuilty. Works for me!

11. Krista Fucking Branch. Now we know why American Idol rejected her, and now we know why the US rejects the teabaggers. Accusing others of greed and hypocrisy while glossing over your own will do that to you. This much loserdom is painful to watch, and even more so to listen to.

12. Lindsay Fucking Lohan. Yeah, with a manicure like that, I’m sure the judge was mighty impressed with you. Get thee to a psych ward, and don’t come out till you’re cured…of everything, up to and including the urge to paint your idiocy all over your nails.

13. Mel Fucking Gibson. Who deserves a beating, again? This is enough to make me want to turn back time to where he’s walking down the corridor naked in Lethal Weapon II, and kick that cute little bare ass of his. That is, if Danny Glover doesn’t beat me to it.

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14. George Fucking Will. For God’s sake, man, loosen that silly tie. It’s cutting off the circulation to you
r brain. Better still, lose it and put on some jeans. And lighten up already.

15. Tom Fucking Vilsack. How much was Monsanto paying him to spout their party line? To a roomful of experts who KNOW the damage genetically modified crops do to the environment, animals, insects and people, no less? Whatever they paid him, they might want to ask for a refund now. (They could probably use the cash, in any event.)

16. Glenn Fucking Beck. If you want to run an institute of edjumacation, perfesser, shouldn’t you learn to spell–and THINK–first?

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PS: Oh lordy, he’s turning into Lindsay Fucking Lohan before our very eyes. Stop him before he drinks again!

17. Ann Fucking Coulter. Well, it WAS about time the Coultergeist shot off her stupid mouth again. It looks like her latest root touchup was a bit much for her few remaining brain cells to take:

Republican National Committee chairman Michael Steele was absolutely right. Afghanistan is Obama’s war and, judging by other recent Democratic ventures in military affairs, isn’t likely to turn out well.

Ah yes. Obama was in charge nine years ago, wasn’t he. That was about the time when the Coultergeist was babbling and frothing to the effect that “we” should “invade all their countries, kill all their leaders and convert them to Christianity”. So of course, His Barackness had no choice but to heed the “advice” and drag the US troops off to Afghanistan, even though he wasn’t even a senator then, eh? But wait, the World’s Dumbest Peroxide Blonde hasn’t finished yet:

It has been idiotically claimed that Steele’s statement about Afghanistan being Obama’s war is “inaccurate” — as if Steele is unaware Bush invaded Afghanistan soon after 9/11. (No one can forget that — even liberals pretended to support that war for three whole weeks.)

Actually, Peroxide Annie, most of us didn’t even bother to pretend, we were just silenced and steamrolled by your so-called “liberal” media, who thought it their duty, as you did, to cheerlead Dubya in every fucking idiotic thing he ever did. But how nice of you to acknowledge, however backhandedly and incoherently, that you and Uncle Tom Steele are both full of shit. Now go sink back into obscurity where you belong. And take your little ass-barnacles with you.

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18. Tom Fucking Tancredo. Even more inflammatory and asinine than Peroxide Annie? Wow, that takes some doing. Where are the men in the white coats?

19. Sharron Fucking Angle. Rape and incest are lemons, and forced, unwanted pregnancy is lemonade. Teabag “logic” in a very wormy nutshell. My guess is she holds these strange views about “lemons” because she’s never been forced to actually suck one. (Yes, I realize this makes twice she’s on this week’s list. She’s not a boob, she’s a bosom.)

20. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi. Now we know how big his coglioni aren’t. Seems that Italian reporters do have it in them to defy him, after all. Stands to reason: Who hasn’t seen his unimpressive equipment?

21. Linda Fucking Lingle. If you’re going to use the slippery-slope fallacy to advance an argument against gay rights, shouldn’t you make sure your state isn’t already sitting at the bottom of said slope? How embarrassing to find out that Hawaii already allows first cousin marriages, no same-sex ones required. (Not quite as funny as India allowing marriages between men and dogs or Indonesia okaying it between men and cows, but still.)

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22. Paiboon Fucking Sunthonchart. If you think that name is a mouthful, wait till you see what he thinks terrorist sorcerers are going to do to your car (or to your ass while you’re on the toilet). And just think, he wants to run for the Florida state senate! Not that lunatics were ever kept out of office there, but this one’s off the scale even for that place.

23. Bernard Fucking Ouellette. Yep, yet another black eye for Canada’s military, caused by yet another philandering commanding officer. WTF is it with the chain of command???

24. Mac Fucking Margolis. Look out, ol’ Mac is back…same shit, same asshole. Same hate-on for Chavecito, now transferred to his lusophone amigo, Lula. Nice to see that the stockmarket is so much more important than the will of the people. There’s a reason they love their leader down there in Brazil, but don’t expect anyone who fronts for moneyed interests (or the narcoparamilitary government of Colombia) to fully grasp it.

25. Jan Fucking Brewer. Once more, since the facts aren’t on her side, Arizona’s racist governor is reduced to just making shit up. Only this time, it’s even more transparently ridiculous than the reality-stretching tale of her “fighting” dad–it’s divorced from this world altogether, like a headless ghost.

26. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Surprise, surprise–Jan Fucking Brewer’s driving force into headless, hateful insanity…is UNDER INVESTIGATION. For ABUSE OF POWER. At LAST.

27. LeBron Fucking James. Does anyone (outside of Miami, of course) NOT think he’s a total fucking wanker? And does anyone besides your scribbler think his TV appearance was the most massive waste of time and money since that kid who wasn’t in the tinfoil balloon his wanker parents built?

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And finally, to all the global-warming deniers out there. Guess what, you’re full of shit. The real Climategate scandal is that there are idiots like you still kicking around out there. Pity the heat and humidity aren’t killing just you instead of all of us.

Good night, and get fucked!

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