4. Conn Fucking Carroll. The burden of proof is still on the accuser. Prove to us that Julian Assange is responsible for even ONE death in Afghanistan as a result of publishing what Bradley Manning gave him on Wikileaks. Just one. Can’t do it, can you? Oh, surprise.5. Mary Fucking Bale. Cats are beautiful creatures (I would argue the MOST beautiful); cat haters are ugly (and in the case of this one, downright hideous). Fortunately the mistreated tabby survived, but it’s a testament to the ugliness of this hag’s soul that she first acted friendly toward it, then dumped it in a garbage can without even pausing. That’s just beyond words.6. T. Boone Fucking Pickens. He stinks up the Huffington Post slandering Chavecito, and now we know why. His real agenda isn’t green energy, it’s OIL THEFT!
7. Randy Fucking Kuntz. Constable is out of line; police chiefs SUPPORT our long-gun registry. And no wonder. Of the last 16 police officers shot to death in Canada, 14 were long-gun homicide victims. And the registry is consulted more than 10,000 times a day–BY COPS. It’s an effective crime-fighting tool. Gun control IS crime control, people!8. BTW, Shelly Fucking Glover is a wanker for the same reason as #7. It’s bewildering that a woman could support abolishing something that’s saved so many of her sisters from a grisly, untimely death.9. Ditto Candice Fucking Hoeppner. Why do you two wankers hate your own sex so much? PS: Nice junket, Candy.
10. These fucking homophobes here. Seriously ugly wanktardery there, folks. God did not tell you to do it, you did it off your own bat and then claimed it was God. You are not God, no matter how much you might think you are (or claim to speak for Her.)11. Rocco Fucking Rossi. Really, defending the homophobes’ “right” to annoy a neighborhood? I hope that costs you votes, jackass. Nobody has the “right” to harass others! And if you want to see what “the people have spoken” looks like, may I remind you that the community came together to kick out the ‘phobes from their quiet street? Yeah, that’s right…gay or straight, NOBODY likes self-righteous wanktards, and no one thinks they have a right to disturb the peace with it!12. Anna Fucking Ardin. Ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold digger, but between that skeevy Wikileaks “scandal” and her own antisemitic fringe-right (not left!) leanings, there’s just something majorly unattractive about her.
13. Alan Fucking Simpson. Oh, the social safety net–“310 million tits” and one big fat BOOB.14. Michael Fucking Enright. Funny or Die? Definitely DIE. Should have stuck to filmmaking, nerdy boy–attempted murder does NOT look good on a résumé unless you’re trying out for CIA covert ops.15. Chris Fucking Young. Ever wonder why so many people have trouble finding Jesus? It’s because he’s hiding from wankers like this one.16. Brian Fucking Williams. Dude, if you’re gonna talk dick, do it on Chatroulette.
17. Stephen Fucking Harper. He thinks he makes the rules? Um, no, Stevie, you’re just a bad employee of the Canadian public. You may also think you’re a wit, but you’re only half right.18. Nathan Fucking Herbert. Stalking and lewdness: is that some kind of Mormon thing? Or is it a governor-of-Utah’s-son thing? Whatever it is, your magic underwear isn’t going to protect you from the consequences, y’know.19. Joe Fucking Miller. LisaMurkowski may be what you say she is, but what does that make you? My vote is on the box marked “wanker”. PS: Pathetic excuse does not wash.20. Rob Fucking Ford. Among all else, form letters–quite possibly his classiest move to date.
21. Peter Fucking Thiel. Want to cancel your PayPal account? Can’t say I’d blame you if you did. It’s not Teh Ghey, or even the conservatardery, it’s the Coultergeist Cooties that’re the problem here. Aside from the cognitive dissonance that goes with being both gay and conservative, there’s this little conundrum: If you’re gonna throw a HomoCon, shouldn’t your guest speaker be somebody other than a rabid homophobe?22. Ben Fucking Stein. Dull as tofu, and nowhere near as useful. But hey, at least he’s fact-free! I hope he lets us know when he decides to step out of his own little world and rejoin the rest of us in the bigger one. And until then, I hope he STFUs.23. Pamela Fucking Geller. Have I mentioned yet today how very loathsome this hate-mongering idiotess is? No? Well, consider it done. 24. Dennis Fucking Miller. Unfunny fratboy has been to one kegger too many. Sure does put the ASS in class, though.
25. This fucking racist middle school. Naturally it’s in Mississippi GawdDAMN. But still–what the fuckity-fucking FUCK?26. “Dr.” Laura Fucking Schlessinger, AGAIN. She has a black friend! And a gay one! Big fucking whoop, so did Renee Fucking Baio. Must sure make them feel good to know they’re just tokens, eh? I wonder if she tells THEM not to be so hypersensitive about other people’s racism and homophobia, too. Because hey, she suffers from both, and if it doesn’t bother her, why should it bother THEM?27. Laura Fucking Ingraham. So hateful and dumb, she can’t see the OTHER hateful dumbasses even when they’re right under her nose. Because to her, hate and dumbassery are normal!28. Michele Fucking Bachmann. You know you’re a bad egg when you have to tell shaggy-dog stories to impress the voters, and you can’t get the dates (or any other relevant data) straight. Someone please tell Ms. Batshit that the U-2 wasn’t a German submarine (that was the U-boat, U being short for Undersea), it was a US SPY PLANE. One of them got shot down over Russia. Hell, Lee Harvey Oswald used to track them on radar for the US Marines from Atsugi! I bet she doesn’t know any of that, much less how the Dorchester really went down. And yet she uses that wartime incident shamelessly for her own gain–and abuses it in the process. How does someone this smug and stupid even make it through school, never mind into politics?
29. Sarah Fucking Palin. She was at Glenn Fucking Beck’s Wankfest in Washington today, and sure enough, some creep in the crowd decided it was the perfect opportunity to rock out with his cock out while she was up there squawking. How anyone could get turned on by that grating voice, I don’t know, but it happened. They should both have been arrested for public indecency. (And the anonymous diddler should be thankful he didn’t do it in front of the Fucking First Dude, who I hear has a wicked bad temper.)30. Luis Fucking Bonilla. Sexual abuse and alienation of a teen: bad. Sexual abuse leading to teen pregnancy: worse. Sexual abuse of teen caught on tape: horrifying. All of the above, while presumably celibate and in a position of trust: GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL, YA FUCKING BASTARD.31. Paris Fucking Hilton. Pots of unearned money + unearned fame = Shit Girl. When will the media learn to stop glorifying this talentless twat?32. Rod Fucking Blagojevich. I don’t know how he managed not to be convicted, but I’d say it’s just more evidence of how crooked he is. His hair alone is worthy of a ten-year sentence. The jurors who failed to convict him are wankers too.
And finally, to Glenn Fucking Beck. Today was his big, bull-goose loony day–the national day of backlash by self-righteous whites against them evil, uppity blacks. With unmistakable fascist overtones. Of course this would never be happening if one of Them had not “invaded” the White House (thus tinting it a subtle, yet strangely becoming shade of coffee brown.) Let us now enumerate the ways in which this “reclamation” (which sounds suspiciously Civil War-ish) is a wank…with a little help from Charles, Bob, Zaid, Monica and anyone else who has written something nasty but true about him today. He usurped a day that was about equal rights, trying to take it over in the name of white supremacy. All that was missing was the burning cross and the hooded sheets. Frankly, Glenn, I hope your hemorrhoids burst…and that no doctor will be able to stem the hemorrhaging (or want to). Good night, and get fucked!
Lot of fucking assholes out there. You got most of ’em. I’d have included Conor fucking Friedersdorf, Jeffrey fucking Goldberg, Jack fucking Layton but that’s just me.