Wankers of the Week: Cordoba House edition

Ah, the non-mosque that’s not going to be built on Ground Zero–what is there to say about it that hasn’t been said already? It’s been the subject of a lot of wankage this week, and so by default, it’s my theme this week (among others). What’s most hilarious is how some say it would be insulting to build a Shinto shrine at Pearl Harbor. There isn’t any, but there IS a Japanese cultural centre not so far away, and nobody’s shrieeeeeeking about that. A mosque, if it were one, would be a vast improvement over this. But it’s not a mosque, it’s a community centre. So, why worry about a bunch of friendly moderate Muslims building their own equivalent of a YMCA?

Well, wankers being wankers, they find their own “reasons” to wank their willies off about whatever’s got them all hot and bothered. So here they are, in no particular order…

1. Nick Fucking Newcomen. He drove all that way just to give his country the world’s biggest piece of shitty “advice”. Guess that makes him a mega-wanker. Hey Nick, whose ideology do you think is RESPONSIBLE for all that wrack and ruin that the US is going through right now? I don’t understand how anyone can recommend such a complete and pluperfect psychopath, let alone go to this length to do it:

See how easy it is to pwn Nick the Nutjob and nullify all his haaaaaaaaarrrrrd work? All *I* needed was the Internets–which happen, by chance, to be the collaborative work of many geniuses, not the sole doing of a mythical (and utterly fictional) John Galt who could pull the plug on us all at any time, on some mad egotistical whim.

2. Laura Fucking Ingraham. Pair of flipflops for you, dear? Or perhaps a coat that’s easy to turn without anyone else noticing? Yes, people she was FOR the so-called Ground Zero Mosque before she was against it. Interesting how a fist full of Rupee Murdoch’s dollars could turn her head, just SNAP, like that!

3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yo Pigman, Barack Obama is not “post-American”, nor is he “anti-American”. He’s a better American than you, although believe me, at the rate he caves in to your whack-ass lunatic side, that’s not saying much.

4. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yes, she’s the main driving force behind the whole anti-mosque “movement” (a movement, no doubt, of the bowel kind.) Did you know she’s also in league with Nazis? It’s true!

5. Bill O’Fucking Reilly. Really…attacking Jennifer Aniston just for stating that women have tons of options today that they didn’t a generation ago? I’ve never been a fan of hers, but I suppose it’s not too late to start. Anyone who can pwn Billo is hail-fellow-well-met with me.

6. and 7. Orly Fucking Taitz and Connie Fucking Rhodes. Too bad, so sad–you know you’re a loser when even Dubya’s most right-wing appointees rule against you.

8. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Godwin’s Law has not only been violated, its corpse has been sodomized. By a two-time adulterous preacher of family values, no less. Since Newty’s reared his pudgy little head yet again, it can only mean one thing: He’s cheating on his third wife, and he needs cover in the worst way. And he’s generating it…in the worst way. When you go around comparing 9-11 survivors and victims’ families to Nazis, you’ve not only scraped the bottom of the barrel–you’ve gone straight through it. I sure hope Mrs. Newty #4, whoever she is, is worth this, because it’s a fucking disgrace.

9. Maggie Fucking Gallagher. Why?

That’s why.

She is not only a liar (check it out, Maggie, most of Europe does NOT have same-sex marriage, and its birthrates aren’t so low either), she also has no neck. With spokespeople like this, it’s no wonder “traditional” marriage (between a man and a woman and his mistress, for money and status and reproduction and appearances–but not love) is in trouble.

10. Tom Fucking Frazier. Well, at least his handwriting is legible.

11. Bill Fucking Kristol. A bag of salted dicks is entirely too good for him. Throw in some lightly roasted dog turds, dammit.

12. Juan Fucking Sandoval Fucking Iniguez. Christ, what is it with Mexico City’s asinine cardinals lately? Last week it was a screaming Mary-in-the-closet getting his ‘phobe on over same-sex marriage, this time it’s another one, slandering the mayor over gay adoption (which is also on its way to legality in all of Mexico). Nojoda, this is stoopid shit. Look, you two–if you don’t want to perform gay weddings, that’s fine. Nobody’s holding a gun to your skullcapped heads. But isn’t it time you took your hands off the kids? Has the whole Marcial Maciel thing not taught you anything? Oh, yeah, that’s right…gay adoption would deprive predatory churchmen of more victims, just as gay marriage would deprive the church of closet cases seeking refuge. Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa.

13. This stupid fucker right here:

I don’t care if this was a joke or not, it’s not funny. I hope you get it hard up the ass with a splintery broomhandle for that, motherfucker.
Haha, just kidding! Ain’t I funny? No? Well, there you go, then.

14. and 15. Matt Fucking Drudge and John Fucking Bolton. Oh look, the Eggman also has the hots for Pamela Fucking Geller’s milk-mustachioed crushboy! Srsly, you two guys should lay off Iran and just get a room. And invite Pam, too, I hear she’s mega kinky.

16. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. No, “Dr.” Laura, your First Amendment rights were NOT “usurped” by anyone else. They were ABUSED. By YOU. The people you’re whining about merely called you on your shit. And considering how much you’ve babbled about personal responsibility on your hate-mongering show over the years, one might think you could finally learn to exercise a little of your own for a change, instead of cultivating a victim mentality and blaming “groups”–such as the NAACP, no doubt, the same you ATTACKED on your goddamned show. You should have been kicked off the air long ago on the grounds that you are a FRAUD who is not qualified to dispense advice on the radio or anywhere. Next time you say you’re sorry, apologize for REAL.

17. Sarah Fucking Palin. Why?

That’s why. Very big of her, though, to forget that “Dr.” Laura once called her a bad mother (a point on which she may have been correct, seeing how Sawah’s kids are turning out. Of course, “Dr.” Laura too has a skeleton in the motherhood closet.)

18. Juan Fucking Pereda Fucking Asbun. Aside from the fact that I’m glad Bolivia has a president now who looks like the average Bolivian, and who is popular and democratically elected (and re-elected), and who has made real and positive changes to the way things get done around there, I’m especially glad when I compare and contrast Evo with his right-wing predecessors. Especially the pedobear types.

19. Jacob Fucking Sullum. Only an anti-science flibbertigibbertarian airhead would lionize an epidemiologist who “proved” that particulate matter in the air does not cause lung disease. Try telling DOCTORS that they’re just being “politically correct” when they diagnose a smoker with lung disease CAUSED by smoking. Or all those 9-11 first responders now dying of lung diseases caught from inhaling particulate matter in the toxic air around the remains of the WTC! Go on, I darez ya. Sick as some of those guys are, they could still tie your ass into a pretzel for that.

20. Rob Fucking Ford. I reiterate: Unfit for mayor of Toronto. Could go postal at any time. Plus, isn’t he disqualified by the string of criminal incidents he’s been in? He should be. PS: There’s now a Facebook group dedicated to making sure he doesn’t end up bullying City Hall. Go see.

21. Maury Fucking Davis. A convicted murderer who has the gall to put his own words in Christ’s mouth? How did this one even get to theological college, much less graduate as a minister? Granted that he may have had a conversion experience in prison, but his right-wing tendencies argue against that. He should know his bible by heart, and that means no excuses for failing to realize that Jesus said nothing about Muslims. Islam was still six centuries in the future then, anyway.

22. And speaking of those “Christians” who cast the first stone, how about SUZANNE FUCKING ALL CAPS NITOUCHE? Jesus never said anything about gays, either.

23. Ron Fucking Johnson. His name is Ron Johnson, he comes from Wisconsin, and he thinks its workers are “losers”. Or should that be “looters”? He thinks Atlas Shrugged is the bible, after all. Guess who’s gonna lose the next election to the very fine Russ Feingold? Yup, Randian Ronny. Hey nonny nonny.

24. Rick Fucking Lazio. The non-mosque at Park 51 is a non-issue. Tricky Ricky’s shady business dealings, on the other hand…well, I can see why he would use a non-issue to cover THOSE up. They are quite the issue indeed.

25. Randy Fucking Brown. Your “humor” is–how to put this delicately?–NOT FUCKING FUNNY. A truly enjoyable alternative to your crude video would be one of actual, lovely quotes from Republican “ladies” (see below.) And even better, Tom Jones wouldn’t be going after you for abusing his music!

26. Allen Fucking West. What size is the shoe that I see sticking out of his mouth? Here’s a tip, Allen: if you’re trying to shake off someone who’s out to catch you in lies, exaggerations, and other assorted whoppers, don’t resort to hyperbole. Especially not of the Godwin kind.

27. Whoever the fuck is responsible for the nation’s weirdest fucking grow-op.

28. Tasha Fucking Kheiriddin. I’m sure Harpo enjoys a BJ as much as the next dude, but a remora? Really, dudette, that’s just so undignified. Let go of him, already.

An
d finally, to this week’s up-close and personal wanktards: Corny Fucking Black (“Corny” is right, you sure as hell are!), “Dr.” (of what, autoproctology?) Carter Fucking Kolodny, and Chris Fucking Kemp (one dumb shit, two dumb piles). And to all you other oh-so-valiant anonymous trolls who felt compelled to defend the nonexistent honor of Christopher Hitchens, which is certainly more than he ever did. The fail is strong with all of you, and it’s the only strong thing about you (other than, of course, the stench).

Good night, and get fucked!