Cartoon excerpt by Ruben Bolling; see the rest of it here.Oh, those poor privileged people, nothing’s going their way this week. The Cordoba Islamic community centre was okayed for construction by New York City Hall, AND PropH8 was overturned in California, and Elena Kagan has been confirmed in spite of all right-wing slurs and sliming–meaning that their panic buttons aren’t going to get any rest. Neither are certain parts of their anatomy; the more the privileged feel righteously oppressed by the uppity underdogs, the more compulsively they masturbate to alleviate the panic. And the more I feel compelled to mock them for it. So, bearing that in mind, here are this week’s winning, wanking, overwhelmingly white overclass winners, pronounced wieners (or, alternatively, whiners):1. Conrad Fucking Black. Yeah, tell us something we didn’t know about the US penal system–we already know it’s racist, it targets predominantly the poor and jobless, yadda yadda yadda. WE KNOW ALL THAT. What I wanna know is, have YOU learned anything? Or are you still the same greedy, verbose, self-important fuck you always were? Oh wait, lemme guess…
Oh noes, it’s not a LearJet! They probably didn’t serve champagne, either. Horrors! How did poor Babs survive the ordeal?
Barbara was in Toronto and it was our 18th wedding anniversary. She couldn’t make her reservation on Air Canada because she could see on television the driver she had arranged to pick me up marooned outside the gates of the prison complex. He had no authorization to prove he was ordered for me and not simply a ruse of the press. Faxes flew back and forth delaying her departure.Finally, the only way to get to Palm Beach that night, just before midnight, which she was able to do, was to charter from a well-wisher at a knock-down rate, (basically the cost of aviation fuel), a very tired and sluggish medevac plane without a washroom.
Nope. You haven’t really learned anything. No contrition, no admission, just “poor me, victimized by the system”, with never a thought to all the people Hollinger Inc. has done out of a decent living over the years. It’s still all about YOU, isn’t it?2. Lady Fucking Gaga. Or Stefani Fucking Germanotta, take your pick. You want a “dumb fucking pop star”, baby? You’re it. You just couldn’t forgo the proceeds of a single concert, not even in the name of social justice. You couldn’t waste an opportunity to make money, but you COULD waste the opportunity to make a point (the one you thought you were making won’t wash–a state whose profit is made on the backs of undocumented workers DESERVES to suffer economically for punishing them. And as several of Pam’s commenters point out, the Montgomery Bus Boycott, started by Rosa Parks, took over a year to do ITS work, too.) Bet we’ll be seeing you in Israel next, talking about how “dumb fucking pop stars” won’t make a difference in the Gaza blockade, either. After all, there are shekels in it for ya.3. Abe Fucking Foxman. So wrong on so many levels! No one is entitled to be a bigot. And the survivors of holocausts are the ones upon whom it is most incumbent to show the rest of the world that there is a better way. The ADL missed its calling there, although considering its real history, it’s hardly surprising that they did so. Hedy Epstein should kick Abe’s patookus, but you see, she’s more evolved than that. She prefers to show the better way…by LIVING it.4. John Fucking Boehner. “All I need to do is listen to the American people…” Which he hasn’t been doing either, or his party wouldn’t have filibustered those people out of jobs. You can start anytime, Cheeto Man.5. Fucking BP. Bad enough that they’re trying to buy their way out of further liability claims; worse that they’re carpet-bombing the Gulf of Mexico with toxic shit to make it look like nothing really happened. Fishermen are committing suicide, businesses are shutting due to bankruptcy, and all they care about is protecting their bottom line–and their image. Fuck them, fuck them all to hell.6. and 7. Fucking Target and Best Buy. How the hell could they support a homophobic asswipe like Tom Fucking Emmer? They claim it’s “economic issues”. Well, I guess they don’t care for the big gay dollar; that’s an economic issue too, isn’t it? As is the fact that Emmer already got doused with pennies when he claimed that there are waiters taking home $100,000 a year in tips, and therefore they don’t deserve to make a basic living wage. In fact, restaurant employers and customers both have a nasty habit of stiffing their servers whenever and wherever they think they can get away with it. That’s a serious economic issue, and an insult to working people everywhere.8. Fucking Microsoft. And they wonder why people hate them so much? Well, if they’re trying to reduce us to mere potential customers for advertising, and our privacy means so little to them, what response were they expecting, exactly?9. Tom Fucking Shales. Christiane Amanpour is not a terrorist sympathizer, she’s a competent TV reporter who is, unlike so many others, not in the habit of unfairly slanting her stories. The same cannot be said for this creep, who seems strangely obsessed with her–either because she is female, or because she has an “exotic” middle-eastern name, or both.10. Tamara Fucking Scott. Um, how exactly does same-sex marriage contribute to the problem of “fractured” (I guess that’s the right’s new word for “broken”) families? It doesn’t. The problem is not Teh Ghey, lady, it
I was delighted to be back in my home, which the prosecutors had tried to seize for years. For the first time since I was last there, I enjoyed pristine quiet, free of loudspeakers, screamed argument, and the snoring of a hundred men. I had a glass of wine, and waited for Barbara, to celebrate the happiest of all wedding anniversaries.
‘s the D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Somehow, though, I don’t hear anyone campaigning against that. Or against the right-wing economic policies that are killing so many otherwise good marriages, either.11. Ali Fucking Khamenei. Just because you don’t like music, doesn’t mean God feels the same way. When did illogical fanaticism become a desirable trait in Iranian religious leaders, anyway? Even the former Cat Stevens, who once famously asked fans to burn his old records, has found out how to reconcile his Muslim beliefs with his musical gifts.12. Tony Fucking Clement. Fiscal responsibility? What’s that? First it was the $2 billion spent on
their stupidities at all.29. Goldman Fucking Sachs. Did you know they dealt in high-priced diploma mills? Neither did I. But now we do, thanks to one luckless woman reduced to pole-dancing for a living. Economic ruin laid bare, literally.30. Tim Fucking Pawlenty. There’s paw-lenty wrong with him (ha–I always wanted to say that!), but let’s just go with this week’s foray into Hardcore Stupidhood. An Islamic centre two blocks away from Ground Zero “disrespects” the victims of 9-11? Oh, sure, Tim, that’ll wash…I mean, it’s not like any Muslims who worked in the Twin Towers were killed that day.31. Ann Fucking Coulter. How it’s possible to be conservative and gay is a mystery to me. How it’s possible to be all that and give a free pass to a horrible harridan who uses the word “faggot” as an insult (and not ironically, either) is an even bigger mystery. Perhaps her Adam’s apple holds the answer to that one. Shall we ask it?32. Cathal Fucking Kelly. Wow, of all the things to reduce an entire, proud little Latin American country to, “plane-crash-related cannibalism” has got to be the lowest common denominator. I’m ashamed to say I graduated the same j-school and in the same year as this doofus, but I’m glad he wasn’t in any of my classes. Uruguay just happens to be a two-time World Cup winner–why did he not mention THAT? Shit, I’m not even a sports fan, and I knew it because I just happen to be into all things Latin America! Do your homework next time, dumbass. PS: Those Uruguayan plane crash victims/survivors? They were a RUGBY team, not a SOCCER team. And many of them attributed their solidarity, the real factor in their survival, to that sport. It’s far less conducive to prima donnas than soccer, and far more demanding of group effort. Somebody owes those brave survivors, and their country (which is also a brave survivor–of military coups, false democracy and imperialism) an abject apology for this silly, facile heap of mierda. 33. Juan Manuel Fucking Santos. How big a dickweed is the new president-elect of Colombia? Big enough not to invite Evo to his inauguration, AND to launch spurious complaints against Venezuela in The Hague. Yep, he’s off to a roaring start already–offending other regional leaders before even taking office! PS: Way to co-opt the indigenous, dickweed.“I don’t believe in Santos” (pun on the Spanish for “saints”).34. Fucking Shakira. Unconditional support for Juan Manuel Santos, fascist war criminal turned president-elect? The world is “looking at Colombia with hope and optimism”? Uh, NO. Actually, the world is doing a facepalm and declaring you irrelevant. Shut up and sing…oh wait, on second thought, don’t. We’ve heard more than enough of THAT, too.35. The Fucking Taliban. Last week it was TIME magazine, making cheap political points on a grotesque photo of a mutilated Afghan woman; this week, it’s them. Both parties are full of shit and need to STFU in the worst way.36. Tony Fucking Venuti. Blacks “benefitted” from, and were “co-conspirators of this abomination called Slavery”? Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Bet it pulled a lot of non-white comers to the Tea Party, too. 37. Larry Fucking Palmer. Some diplomat–even before he gets confirmed as US ambassador to Venezuela, already the interference and unwanted, unfounded opinions start flowing. Sadly, he’ll probably pass his senate confirmation hearings with no problem. Only in Washington could this kind of behavior be considered a qualification for a diplomatic posting.And finally, to the two short-bus riders who made pit stops here this past week, “Pellanor” and “Sumana”. I’ve already said all I have to say to them, except this one last thing:Good night, and get fucked!