Wankers of the Week: Oppressed overclass edition

Cartoon excerpt by Ruben Bolling; see the rest of it here.

Oh, those poor privileged people, nothing’s going their way this week. The Cordoba Islamic community centre was okayed for construction by New York City Hall, AND PropH8 was overturned in California, and Elena Kagan has been confirmed in spite of all right-wing slurs and sliming–meaning that their panic buttons aren’t going to get any rest. Neither are certain parts of their anatomy; the more the privileged feel righteously oppressed by the uppity underdogs, the more compulsively they masturbate to alleviate the panic. And the more I feel compelled to mock them for it. So, bearing that in mind, here are this week’s winning, wanking, overwhelmingly white overclass winners, pronounced wieners (or, alternatively, whiners):

1. Conrad Fucking Black. Yeah, tell us something we didn’t know about the US penal system–we already know it’s racist, it targets predominantly the poor and jobless, yadda yadda yadda. WE KNOW ALL THAT. What I wanna know is, have YOU learned anything? Or are you still the same greedy, verbose, self-important fuck you always were? Oh wait, lemme guess…

Barbara was in Toronto and it was our 18th wedding anniversary. She couldn’t make her reservation on Air Canada because she could see on television the driver she had arranged to pick me up marooned outside the gates of the prison complex. He had no authorization to prove he was ordered for me and not simply a ruse of the press. Faxes flew back and forth delaying her departure.

Finally, the only way to get to Palm Beach that night, just before midnight, which she was able to do, was to charter from a well-wisher at a knock-down rate, (basically the cost of aviation fuel), a very tired and sluggish medevac plane without a washroom.

Oh noes, it’s not a LearJet! They probably didn’t serve champagne, either. Horrors! How did poor Babs survive the ordeal?

I was delighted to be back in my home, which the prosecutors had tried to seize for years. For the first time since I was last there, I enjoyed pristine quiet, free of loudspeakers, screamed argument, and the snoring of a hundred men. I had a glass of wine, and waited for Barbara, to celebrate the happiest of all wedding anniversaries.

Nope. You haven’t really learned anything. No contrition, no admission, just “poor me, victimized by the system”, with never a thought to all the people Hollinger Inc. has done out of a decent living over the years. It’s still all about YOU, isn’t it?

2. Lady Fucking Gaga. Or Stefani Fucking Germanotta, take your pick. You want a “dumb fucking pop star”, baby? You’re it. You just couldn’t forgo the proceeds of a single concert, not even in the name of social justice. You couldn’t waste an opportunity to make money, but you COULD waste the opportunity to make a point (the one you thought you were making won’t wash–a state whose profit is made on the backs of undocumented workers DESERVES to suffer economically for punishing them. And as several of Pam’s commenters point out, the Montgomery Bus Boycott, started by Rosa Parks, took over a year to do ITS work, too.) Bet we’ll be seeing you in Israel next, talking about how “dumb fucking pop stars” won’t make a difference in the Gaza blockade, either. After all, there are shekels in it for ya.

3. Abe Fucking Foxman. So wrong on so many levels! No one is entitled to be a bigot. And the survivors of holocausts are the ones upon whom it is most incumbent to show the rest of the world that there is a better way. The ADL missed its calling there, although considering its real history, it’s hardly surprising that they did so. Hedy Epstein should kick Abe’s patookus, but you see, she’s more evolved than that. She prefers to show the better way…by LIVING it.

4. John Fucking Boehner. “All I need to do is listen to the American people…” Which he hasn’t been doing either, or his party wouldn’t have filibustered those people out of jobs. You can start anytime, Cheeto Man.

5. Fucking BP. Bad enough that they’re trying to buy their way out of further liability claims; worse that they’re carpet-bombing the Gulf of Mexico with toxic shit to make it look like nothing really happened. Fishermen are committing suicide, businesses are shutting due to bankruptcy, and all they care about is protecting their bottom line–and their image. Fuck them, fuck them all to hell.

6. and 7. Fucking Target and Best Buy. How the hell could they support a homophobic asswipe like Tom Fucking Emmer? They claim it’s “economic issues”. Well, I guess they don’t care for the big gay dollar; that’s an economic issue too, isn’t it? As is the fact that Emmer already got doused with pennies when he claimed that there are waiters taking home $100,000 a year in tips, and therefore they don’t deserve to make a basic living wage. In fact, restaurant employers and customers both have a nasty habit of stiffing their servers whenever and wherever they think they can get away with it. That’s a serious economic issue, and an insult to working people everywhere.

8. Fucking Microsoft. And they wonder why people hate them so much? Well, if they’re trying to reduce us to mere potential customers for advertising, and our privacy means so little to them, what response were they expecting, exactly?

9. Tom Fucking Shales. Christiane Amanpour is not a terrorist sympathizer, she’s a competent TV reporter who is, unlike so many others, not in the habit of unfairly slanting her stories. The same cannot be said for this creep, who seems strangely obsessed with her–either because she is female, or because she has an “exotic” middle-eastern name, or both.

10. Tamara Fucking Scott. Um, how exactly does same-sex marriage contribute to the problem of “fractured” (I guess that’s the right’s new word for “broken”) families? It doesn’t. The problem is not Teh Ghey, lady, it
‘s the D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Somehow, though, I don’t hear anyone campaigning against that. Or against the right-wing economic policies that are killing so many otherwise good marriages, either.

11. Ali Fucking Khamenei. Just because you don’t like music, doesn’t mean God feels the same way. When did illogical fanaticism become a desirable trait in Iranian religious leaders, anyway? Even the former Cat Stevens, who once famously asked fans to burn his old records, has found out how to reconcile his Muslim beliefs with his musical gifts.

12. Tony Fucking Clement. Fiscal responsibility? What’s that? First it was the $2 billion spent on stormtroopers security for the G-20 summit, now it’s $30 million earmarked for publicity…for a change to the census that nobody wants. And we won’t even get started on those totally unnecessary fighter jets.

13. Liz Fucking Cheney. Yay, another wingtard wench who thinks an Islamic community centre two blocks from Ground Zero is a stab to the heart. Poor oppressed nutters who don’t have to live in the vicinity, yet still feel compelled to opine on what doesn’t faze the locals in the least!

14. Tucker Fucking Carlson. Yeah, you sure did a great job of defending non-partisan journalism from the right-wing nutjobs who thought of it as “fundamentally corrupt”. The entire time you were doing it, you did it from a right-wing nutjob POV. So much easier to do it from the deck of a cruise ship while being wooed by the Paliness, too!

15. Sharron Fucking Angle. The press doesn’t want to be your friend. Neither, I hope, do voters. PS: Oh, holy shite!

16. All the fucking racists, nativists and xenophobes mentioned here. Wankers one and all.

17. Glenn Fucking Beck. Why?

THAT’s why. For anyone who still thinks he’s anti-racist and anti-Nazi, wake the fuck up, he’s neither. He is a racist AND a Nazi for promoting this white-supremacist site (complete with obvious neo-Nazi-style logo, even.)

18. John the Fucking Bigamist. There really are no words, so I’ll say no more.

19. Michaele Fucking Salahi. Oh noes, someone touched her! Oh noes, it’s Whoopi Goldberg! Oh noes, she’s BLACK!!! Help, help, racist assault!!!!

20. Fucking Maclean’s. On behalf of all feminists, fuck you. And your “trashy daughters” issue, too. Ever think that it’s not feminist moms who are to blame for girls turning out trashy, but the trash-promoting media (i.e. YOU)?

21. Fucking Coke. Srsly–you market something as healthy, then claim it’s not, and that you’re not deceiving anyone? Well, at least no one’s fooled that you people are evil. That much we can see straight up.

22. Dan Fucking Maes. All I can say is take it away, Dave:

Yep, even with that LOL of a surname, I’d say that the current mayor of Denver, Colorado is a shoo-in for that gubernatorial seat. With such a fuckheaded opposition, how could he lose?

23. Rick Fucking Scott. Don’t look now, but there’s a horde of angry snowbirds right behind you, asshole.

24. Kevin Fucking Pezzi. Call me funny, but I don’t believe he’s a real doctor, much less a sexpert and an inventor. Any med school that would admit such a charlatan, much less graduate him, is not credible; neither is any board that would grant him a licence. (And I bet his penis is still laughably small, too.) But isn’t it nice to see that Spitefart’s resident hatemonger and pretend stud of the pretend ER is such a master-race titty man?

25. Brian Fucking Lilley. Front-running candidate for Worst Excuse for a Journalist in Canada. Not only is the linked story unbelievable in and of itself (Muslim women in veils NOT getting harassed by security? How fucking stupid do you think we are?), it cites a conveniently anonymous US military man who, oh so conveniently, just happens to be fluent in Arabic and just happened to overhear the supposed women supposedly laughing at the supposed security guard who was supposedly too timid to hassle them. And if you believe that all really happened, I’ve got some lovely oceanfront property in Saskatoon.

26. Chuck Fucking Grassley. I’m sorry, I just gotta do this. Everybody sing: Chuck Chuck Bo Buck, Banana Fanna Fo Fuck, Chuck is a porn schmuck…Chu-huck!

27. Whoever the fuck wrote this goddamn disgusting editorial in the New York Post. Perpetuating the myth that Hiroshima and Nagasaki ended the war, just like that? Bullshit. Japan should apologize before the US acknowledges what ghastly things it did there? Also bullshit. Barack Obama and Ban Ki-Moon are bigger men than this one, and now we see how much bigger they really are. I guess it’s a good thing for the scribbler that editorials go unsigned as a matter of tradition, but this is one tradition that is open to abuse by virtue that very anonymity. And this is a fine example of such abuses. Shame on you, you bloodthirsty, hateful little shit.

28. Sarah Fucking Palin. You can tell a lot about someone’s character just by the following they attract. In the Paliness’s case, it seems, the antipathy she holds for journalists has its wee small echo in that her fans just can’t take any criticism for
their stupidities at all.

29. Goldman Fucking Sachs. Did you know they dealt in high-priced diploma mills? Neither did I. But now we do, thanks to one luckless woman reduced to pole-dancing for a living. Economic ruin laid bare, literally.

30. Tim Fucking Pawlenty. There’s paw-lenty wrong with him (ha–I always wanted to say that!), but let’s just go with this week’s foray into Hardcore Stupidhood. An Islamic centre two blocks away from Ground Zero “disrespects” the victims of 9-11? Oh, sure, Tim, that’ll wash…I mean, it’s not like any Muslims who worked in the Twin Towers were killed that day.

31. Ann Fucking Coulter. How it’s possible to be conservative and gay is a mystery to me. How it’s possible to be all that and give a free pass to a horrible harridan who uses the word “faggot” as an insult (and not ironically, either) is an even bigger mystery. Perhaps her Adam’s apple holds the answer to that one. Shall we ask it?

32. Cathal Fucking Kelly. Wow, of all the things to reduce an entire, proud little Latin American country to, “plane-crash-related cannibalism” has got to be the lowest common denominator. I’m ashamed to say I graduated the same j-school and in the same year as this doofus, but I’m glad he wasn’t in any of my classes. Uruguay just happens to be a two-time World Cup winner–why did he not mention THAT? Shit, I’m not even a sports fan, and I knew it because I just happen to be into all things Latin America! Do your homework next time, dumbass. PS: Those Uruguayan plane crash victims/survivors? They were a RUGBY team, not a SOCCER team. And many of them attributed their solidarity, the real factor in their survival, to that sport. It’s far less conducive to prima donnas than soccer, and far more demanding of group effort. Somebody owes those brave survivors, and their country (which is also a brave survivor–of military coups, false democracy and imperialism) an abject apology for this silly, facile heap of mierda.

33. Juan Manuel Fucking Santos. How big a dickweed is the new president-elect of Colombia? Big enough not to invite Evo to his inauguration, AND to launch spurious complaints against Venezuela in The Hague. Yep, he’s off to a roaring start already–offending other regional leaders before even taking office! PS: Way to co-opt the indigenous, dickweed.

“I don’t believe in Santos” (pun on the Spanish for “saints”).

34. Fucking Shakira. Unconditional support for Juan Manuel Santos, fascist war criminal turned president-elect? The world is “looking at Colombia with hope and optimism”? Uh, NO. Actually, the world is doing a facepalm and declaring you irrelevant. Shut up and sing…oh wait, on second thought, don’t. We’ve heard more than enough of THAT, too.

35. The Fucking Taliban. Last week it was TIME magazine, making cheap political points on a grotesque photo of a mutilated Afghan woman; this week, it’s them. Both parties are full of shit and need to STFU in the worst way.

36. Tony Fucking Venuti. Blacks “benefitted” from, and were “co-conspirators of this abomination called Slavery”? Oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Bet it pulled a lot of non-white comers to the Tea Party, too.

37. Larry Fucking Palmer. Some diplomat–even before he gets confirmed as US ambassador to Venezuela, already the interference and unwanted, unfounded opinions start flowing. Sadly, he’ll probably pass his senate confirmation hearings with no problem. Only in Washington could this kind of behavior be considered a qualification for a diplomatic posting.

And finally, to the two short-bus riders who made pit stops here this past week, “Pellanor” and “Sumana”. I’ve already said all I have to say to them, except this one last thing:

Good night, and get fucked!