Wankers of the Week: Tea-totaled and no sympathy edition

Oh, what a theme I picked for this week. Just as I’m about to put this entry to bed, wouldn’t you know, I come down with yet another summer gut bug. I get two or three of them every year. This one just has me wiped out, running to the bathroom faster than you can say Trotsky. I need tea; sympathy would also be nice (I don’t expect it.) But you know what’s worse than having the shits? Being one…like these shits, for whom I have neither tea nor sympathy:

1. David Fucking Brown. The Dallas police chief thinks facts are, you know, too intuitive. Dallas has reported a 25% rise in rapes. So instead of being pro-active against men who rape, what does he do? Tells women to quit drinking. Y’know, chief, the problem might be better alleviated by banning sleazy guys from bars, but maybe that’s just my two X chromosomes talking.

2. Ann Fucking Coulter. The right’s Judy Garland? Sorry, not even close. The Coultergeist can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act, isn’t pretty, and doesn’t look that way. Not only that, but with “friends” like her, the gays don’t need any enemies. Remember, she’s the one who routinely and unironically derides men she dislikes as “faggots”.

3. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. How pathetic is the Pigman? So pathetic that William. Fucking. Shatner. can. own. his. fat. sorry. ass. in. a. debate. on. healthcare!

4. Sarah Fucking Palin. She’s all wee-wee’d up over being seen as a celebrity, not a political figure.The question is, what’s she famous for? Scandals, quitting, more scandals, more quitting, and still more scandals (including two gooey, lie-laden books she didn’t even write). Yep, by current US “reality” standards, she’s a celebrity, all right. Any serious political figure would be toast with a record like that. But the Ditziest Dame in Alaska is still winkin’, grinnin’, rollin’ her eyes, and droppin’ her Gs in true fake down-home celebrity fashion.

5. Ashton Fucking Kutcher. Max Blumenthal calls him a “himbo for apartheid”; I say he called it just about right.

6. Anne Fucking Milton. Yes, Britain still has milk-snatching Tory women. Let’s hope this one never makes it as far as Maggie Fucking Thatcher.

7. Rand Fucking Paul. Even at college, he was more than a little bit loopy. A prankish kidnapper who messed with women’s heads? Say it ain’t so. (And maybe it ain’t. Or maybe it is. Who knows, if the victim won’t come forward?) And yeah, membership in a liberal secret society is really a great way to burnish those conservative credentials, eh? This guy is so bent, it’s impossible to know what’s real about him and what isn’t. I think it’s safe to say he’s not a serious candidate for anything except obscurity. (Or is it? See what I fucking mean???)

8. Norm Fucking Coleman. “Who put that charge on my card?” Gee, I wonder. You forgot something, dickweed–DUBYA’S DEFICIT. (And we wonder why you lost to a wrestler, a comedian–and barely beat a dead man? We can stop wondering now.)

9. Paul Fucking Blankfield. Assaulting a father because his son is autistic and makes noises because public places (also noisy) upset him? Hello, toilet bowl, something is circling the drain. Please flush, and don’t forget to wash your hands.

10. Melodi Fucking Dushane. Are Chicken McNuggets a breakfast food? No. Are they worth throwing a hissyfit over? Depends who you ask. But if you ask me, the answer is also a big fat resounding NO.

11. and 12. Pamela Fucking Geller and John Joseph Fucking Jay. If they could only fuck each other, instead of messing with people’s heads. It sounds like both of them could use a good lay, which, paradoxically, they are unlikely to find in each other. Maybe this crazy-dumb dickweed could help them there, lending his head for use as a dildo and/or buttplug. PS: Scrap the sexology, this pathology goes much deeper. Get this woman to a shrink, stat.

13. Newt Fucking Gingrich. Most hypocritical asshole of the last century, and possibly this one as well, if what his second wife, Marianne, has to say is true:

She called a minister they both trusted. He came over to the house the next day and worked with them the whole weekend, but Gingrich just kept saying she was a Jaguar and all he wanted was a Chevrolet. “‘I can’t handle a Jaguar right now.’ He said that many times. ‘All I want is a Chevrolet.'”

He asked her to just tolerate the affair, an offer she refused.

He’d just returned from Erie, Pennsylvania, where he’d given a speech full of high sentiments about compassion and family values.

The next night, they sat talking out on their back patio in Georgia. She said, “How do you give that speech and do what you’re doing?”

“It doesn’t matter what I do,” he answered. “People need to hear what I have to say. There’s no one else who can say what I can say. It doesn’t matter what I live.”

Yep, that sounds like Newty, all right. And now he wants his country to tolerate his bullshit? I’d say they moved on more than a decade ago and want nothing more to do with him now. Marianne’s assessment of his chances there also rings true. (And if I were his current wife, I’d shop for a new husband, and not ask for a divorce until my wedding plans were firm.)< P />

14. Tony Fucking Clement. Some of us eat, sleep and breathe; some of us lie, lie and lie. Guess which category he falls into. BTW, he’s also really pig-fucking ignorant.

15. Gary Fucking Korkuc. Who the hell tries to marinate a live cat (his own pet, at that), THEN kill and eat it? A fucking psychopath, that’s who. Good thing the cat now has a new family.

16. Trade Fucking Martin. The only thing you’ve got to stop, dude, is sucking ass. And writing music. But I repeat myself. Gawd, you stink.

17. Chris Fucking Ortloff. Yay, another Republican pervert! Just what the world needs! Because really, who’s more entitled to sex with underage girls (11 and 12, in case you wanted to know)?

18. Hal Fucking Turner. A one-man case for handgun (and other gun) bans. Saying judges who uphold the law “should be killed” is reason enough to take away the means for killing ANYONE. Especially from a blatant racist loser like this piece of shit. In fact, this guy should lose all access to the Internet, too…his “free speech” is NOT protected, seeing as it consists mainly of hate and death threats. That’s another means to murder that should not be allowed.

19. Norberto Fucking Rivera. Congratulations, Mexico, you have sanity on your supreme court, and thanks to that, same-sex marriage is now legal throughout all 31 of your beautiful states. I’m sure that there will be many happy couples formalizing their relationships there in the weeks and months to come, and I wish all of them the very best. But–lo siento mucho, Mexico City, your cardinal archbishop sure is a regressive dick. I suspect he’s pissy not because it’s really “aberrant” to be gay (less common, yes, but one person in every ten is hardly an aberration against nature!), but because it means that fewer gay men will be coming to seek refuge in that great drafty closet that is the Roman Catholic priesthood. And if the church doesn’t want to recognize their unions, fine–I’m sure the civil authorities will gladly pick up the slack, as they do here in Canada. Where the sky hasn’t fallen, and rates of pedophilia haven’t risen, since our own supreme court made equal marriage legal in all ten provinces and three territories, five years ago.

20. Terry Fucking Nichols. Spoiled widdle princess wants what? A hot-pink sparkle-pony with a purple tinsel mane and tail? Sorry, pwincess, no can do. You’re gonna have to make do with the same prison chow as all the rest of your fellow inmates–most of whom are not in there for “Christian” terrorism like you.

21. Ben Fucking Quayle. The son of the second-worst VP in US history thinks His Barackness is the Worst President Ever? Damn, he’s even dumber than his old man, and that’s really saying something. Remember that ol’ Murphy Brown kerfuffle? This is about on a par with that for idiocy, only Murphy was fictional and this shit is real. Dan can’t spell potato, and Ben can’t recall who left the mess for Obama to clean up. And some people actually think this dink’s throw-away opinion is worth printing. That’s what being the stupid scion of unearned privilege does for you, kiddies.

22. Chuck Fucking Colson. Excuse me, but shouldn’t you still be in prison, incommunicado? Why does anyone place any worth at all on what a Watergate felon has to say, still, after all this time–much less about a community centre that is not even within sight of Ground Zero? Oh. I get it…you’re desperate to maintain some loose semblance of relevance after all this time in obscurity, no decent workplace will hire you, and besides, there’s a whole bandwagon-o-stoopid passing by your window, and you’ve just got to jump on. Makes sense!

23. Lawrence Fucking Cannon. No, of course sanctions against all of Iran won’t hurt its people, nor will they strengthen its nasty-wasty government. Perish the thought! Cheap political points are worth scoring at any cost, right?

24. Marg Fucking Baker. The age of concentration camps is once again upon us, thanks to this particularly stinky old teabag from Florida. If these people are trying to convince us they’re not Nazis, they’re doing a damn poor job of it. (And if prostitution is a problem, Marg, try not letting Glenn Beck pimp you out.)

25. Aryn Fucking Baker. Who stands to profit off the TIME reporter’s sensationalistic (and blatantly false) interpretation of female abuse in Afghanistan? Her own damn husband, that’s who. Meanwhile, be it known that “What Happens When We Leave Afghanistan” happened while “we” were IN Afghanistan, it happened the whole time unabated, and it’s not going to matter a pin whether “we” leave or when. It is happening, and this bears repeating, BECAUSE “we” were in Afghanistan, starting with the CIA financing and training of those cuddly Talibs-in-waiting, the “Arab-Afghan” mujahideen. Remember them? I do, but TIME’s editors and reporters apparently don’t. And they don’t want YOU to, either. Because if you did, you’d want that war to end, and with it would go the profits that certain people stand to make a heap of.

26. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. Now we know–she is a bigot through and through. A RACIST bigot. When she tells a black caller that some clearly racist comments aren’t, that’s just really fucking asinine. And then she gets bullying in defence of what is clear and obvious racism on her own part. The use of the n-word isn’t the real problem here, it’s what follows: “Don’t NAACP me”–what a hectoring bitch. Oh, and “D
on’t marry out of your race” isn’t RACIST? “Nice try…actually, SUCKY try”–yeah, that was a sucky try on your part, for sure, “Doctor” who-is-not-one. “Hypersensitivity…is being bred by black activists”, uh-huh. Actually, it’s being confirmed, however inadvertently, by conservatives on the radio, preaching hardcore stupidity to a primarily white, out-of-touch audience. I’m surprised a black woman was unwary enough to bother seeking advice from this one (who is NOT qualified to give it, the most important qualification being CARING, which she lacks); most of the ones I’ve known are a helluva lot smarter. PS: Your “philosophical” non-apology “apology” doesn’t wash, either.

27. Rob Fucking Ford. Srsly, this man should NOT be the next mayor of Toronto. He is not mentally stable. I can just see him going postal.

28. Sharron Fucking Angle. Crazybitch must really not want to get her crazybitch ass elected, because only an unelectable crazy-ass bitch would approvingly cite a miserable totalitarian failure like Augusto Pinochet as making the case for privatizing Social Security. (Item: Social Security–UNPRIVATIZED–has saved at least 20 million US citizens from poverty. Why does Sharron Fucking Angle hate US citizens?)

29. Robert Fucking Gibbs. If there really is such a thing as a “professional left”, I wanna know where to go sign up and collect my paycheque. I’m tired of doing it for free. PS: I love you, Alan Grayson.

30. Pat Fucking Buchanan. Evolution just called, Pat…sez your time on this planet is up. Man was just not meant to walk with the dinosaurs, and that’s all there is to it.

31. Erick Fucking Erickson. I still can’t believe the Chicken Noodle Network lets this idiotic hack wet his bed on their dime. Where was his fear of satanism before the “Islamofascists” came to New York to build a community centre, I wonder? Oh, and Erick: I am a Witch, and I am fully prepared to hex thee. And there’s not a damn thing you can do about it. Boogaboogabooga!

And that’s it for this week. I’m off to make myself a cup of stomach-soothing tea and guzzle some Angostura for my beleaguered intestines. If any of you traditional trolls feel like outing yourself here this week, as you’ve done for the last three, you know the drill. Let me just say to you, in advance of your shenanigans:

Good night, and get fucked!