Wankers of the Week: Crappy 9-11!

Yeah, like I need to wish any of you a lousy return of this day, eh? Hell, this day was lousy long before it even came to be called 9-11; just ask the Chileans. They lost Salvador Allende, and their country’s best hope to become sovereign, on this day in 1973. But since we in the northern hemisphere have had all our perceptions colored and every aspect of our lives fucked up by this day in 2001, calling it “Crappy 9-11” is just a sad statement of fact. Life has been crappy for all of us since, and for some, it’s getting worse. It’s all because of this day, and this week’s wankers are the ones who just make it all the crappier:

1. Glenn Fucking Beck. Surprise! He lied. This is news? There is NO FUCKING WAY the National Archives would let him hold George Washington’s original, hand-written inaugural address in his filthy, greasy, shit-stained paws. All right? And that’s not the only time. He is a chronic, compulsive, pathological liar. So all you freaks who believe him, do the world a favor and crawl back under your rocks, and don’t come out again. EVER.

2. Terry Fucking Jones. Well, didn’t HE just lead us all on a merry dance this past week? First he WAS going to burn the Qur’an today, then he wasn’t, then he was, then he didn’t, and now he says he was and is never going to. I guess I should be surprised, but I’m not. Behind all the exasperation, I’m utterly bored with this fucking wanker, and I don’t care if I never hear another word about him until he commits a flaming suicide. His real objective wasn’t even to blackmail the Park 51 imam, Faisal Abdul Rauf, to change locations, as was often reported; the imam denies setting an appointment to meet him. So what was it, really? Oh, what else. To attract publicity, and to make a quick buck to pay for all the properties his cult (which should not be dignified with the title of ministry or church) had suddenly acquired. And maybe, also, to air his insanity for the world to see. Like we all really needed to see it this week, out of all 52 a year.

3. Walid Fucking Shoebat. Honestly, with a last name like that, the jokes just write themselves. But seriously, he is BATSHIT.

4. David Fucking Frum. I’m sure Margaret Atwood is disappointed to see YOU on the tweeter, too. (I know I am.)

5. Ezra Fucking Levant. There are about a myriad other good reasons for this inclusion, but let’s just say this one topped it for me:

Face it, Ezzy, she’s just not that into you.

6. Tony Fucking Blair. Oh, he doesn’t want the public to be “inconvenienced by protesters”. You fucking wanker, Tony–the protesters ARE the public, and they are angry at you because you are a war criminal who LIED to them!

7. Joel Fucking Hanson. There are just three words to describe him and his politics: Cuckoo! Cuckoo!! Cuckoo!!!

8. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy. Can’t govern worth merde? Zut alors, just pick on the Gypsies, n’importe pourquoi. Doesn’t everyone?

9. Stephen Fucking Harper. Sudden show of humanity, this late in the game? Fail. Besides, everyone knows Harpo’s a bot. PS: That sign thing? That’s a super-wank. That money should ALL be going toward public services and job creation, not self-glorifying pud-pulling.

10. The Fucking Teabags of Montana. That “joke” about Matthew Shepard was so funny I forgot to laugh. So I’m gonna try again–here goes: Ha. Ha. Ha. (Nope. Still can’t do it.)

11. All these fucking sanctimonious homophobes here. They disgust me with their displays of piety and bigotry. Why do they have to do that in public? Can’t they do it in their closets, like Jesus said to do?

12. Piero Fucking Gheddo. With a surname like that, the ghetto jokes just about write themselves, don’t they? But wait till you see the ideology. Yes, the bigoted side of pronatalism is never far below the surface. I think it’s the celibacy that brings it out; makes ’em spiteful.

13. Laura Fucking Schlessinger. Yeah, the Nazis really came to power by banning the word nigger. Either she really is this fucking stupid, or she’s hoping YOU are–to believe her as she outdoes herself by sodomizing Godwin. Did I mention yet that they got a large part of their ideological inspiration from the bowels of the KKK?

14. The Fucking Savage Wiener. Bitch, quit projecting. It’s not Jon Stewart that’s the problem, it’s YOU.

15. Bryan Fucking Fischer. The only thing Muslims need from Christians (besides a healthy dose of understanding) is to be left in peace. And the only reason they are killing each other in Afghanistan and Iraq is because “Christians” came in, meddled in their politics, and started killing THEM. PS: This doesn’t exactly help with the wankish image, either.

16. Rush Fucking Limbaugh. Yes, the US is in a fight for its life–against the likes of YOU, you fucking Pigman! And you know something else? I’m not at all surprised that he and Wanker #2 are graduates of the same high school, same class even. Both do the same two things, basically: stir up bigoted hate and make money off it.

17. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Yes, there are two of them. But since their net wealth is the same, and they do the same unforgivable fucking shit with it, they are tied for their position on this list.

18. Jonathan Fucking Kay. Ever get the feeling he writes all his screeds one-handed? I certainly do. Maybe that’s because whenever he jerks out something about honor killings, there are spots of sticky whitish ooze all over it. And all kinds of factual errors within.

19. This big fucking coward right here.

20. Hans Fucking Zeiger. Who but a complete and pluperfect wanker could hate on those cute little cookie-selling Girl Scouts? Oh, only a long-standing and very proud woman-hater. Who else?

21. Joe Fucking Arpaio. Worst Sheriff in the World wants to become Second Worst US President Ever (Dubya, of course, being the first)? Fortunately, this one’s gonna lose long before he gets anywhere near the starting line.

22. Shirley Fucking Phelps Fucking Roper. Why the double Fucking? Because there’s just no hate that this brainwashed evil wench won’t monger.

23. These twelve sick fucking bastards right here. Actually, they are worse than wankers–they are utterly vile. Just one more reason to end all wars–you’d be denying the psychopaths a free ride. And if serial murder for fun and the taking of trophies isn’t psychopathy, then I don’t know what is. They all belong behind bars for the rest of their lives.

24. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yeah, building a peaceful community centre is, like, totally the equivalent of burning a holy book! Totally! Nice of her to keep picking on a place that she will probably never even see. And what the fuck is the meaning of this?

Book burning is bad. But the Muslim cleric who is running for parliament in Afghanistan is calling for the murder of American children in response to scorched Korans, which is worse. Where is the media’s focus?”

Um, maybe it’s because THERE WAS NO SUCH CLERIC. The media can’t report a story that doesn’t actually exist, Sarah, you stupid wench. And WTF is this?

“Stand down” is what you say to soldiers in a war, and it’s a command given by an officer. Who put this idiot in charge of the troops? And what are they at war against, as if we couldn’t guess? If it’s a war against Muslims you want, Sarah, get thee into uniform and get thee over to Afghanistan. I don’t think you’d last long, though, seeing as you’re not really used to handling guns.

24. Ron Fucking Johnson. Just like the Pigman (see points #5 and 6 here), he never bothered to register or vote until something was in it for him. Niiiiiiice. Remember this? Add also this. And this. And then, ask yourself if this person is really worthy to run for dogcatcher.

25. Jeff Fucking Marsh, alias Joe Fucking Cardiff. Who he? Basically, he’s the UK equivalent to Pamela Fucking Geller. Or wants to be. Well, in one way he WILL be just like her: He’s gonna get his sorry ass handed to him on a plate. And none too soon.

26. Fucking Dubya. No, we STILL don’t believe you can read a book, and we’re certain the one you “wrote” was ghosted. You can’t even read a dinky little CIA briefing, and your old man was head of that agency. You couldn’t listen to your Auntie Condi, either. Why else did 9-11 happen? It’s YOUR FUCKING FAULT, DUBYA. That’s why.

27. Phil Fucking Davison. Angry much? You’re yelling, and nobody knows why.

28. Bob Fucking Old. Did this copycat asshole burn any books today? Yes, he did. And karma is going to fuck him for it.

29. and 30. FUX Snooze and The Fucking New York Post. Ghoulish, or what? Oh yeah, and thanks for the fact-free junk food for the brain. I’m sure everyone who lost someone that day really appreciates this kind of “coverage”.

31. Matt Fucking Drudge. I thought nothing he did could be more disgusting than his sexual fetish for eggs. I was wrong, and I’m not ashamed to admit it.

32. Newt
Fucking Gingrich. He’s irrelevant, and he hasn’t a snowball’s chance, but damned if he’s not still determined to hijack all the discourse, all the same. This is true to pattern; he did it in the ’90s, too. But back then, he was in power; he’s just a loudly whining mosquito nowadays. If Obama were to come out against Park 51, he’d be demonstrating not “evenhandedness”, but the same blind wingnut bigotry that’s poisoned everything since that god-awful day. Newt, don’t mess with New York City’s planning decisions–just fuck off and go home.

33. Pamela Fucking Geller. Yeah, I’d say “charlatan” about covers it. Personally I’d have gone for “fascist fuckhead”, but that’s just me. She claims way more people attended her flying-monkey poop-fest than actually came.

34. Donald Fucking Trump. Naturally, he too had to stick his hideous combover in where it wasn’t wanted and didn’t belong. Never mind that the piece of real estate in question has actually been used as an informal prayer site for several years now, with NO outrage or interference. Does that not tell anybody anything?

35. Rosie Fucking DiManno. Who died and made HER the arbiter of what’s “reasonable”? Another fucking opportunistic hijacker of discourse. (Yeah, surprise, they’re not all in the US; Canada has ’em too, unfortunately.)

Finally, this one’s for all those who still oppose Park 51. Did you know that the World Trade Centre itself played host to an informal mosque? And that more innocent Muslims died as a result of the terrorism that day nine years ago than perpetrated the crime? And that some of them were probably in that prayer room on the 17th floor when the building came down? Yes, that’s right: GROUND ZERO WAS A MOSQUE LONG BEFORE IT WAS GROUND ZERO. Read all about it, and stop your goddamned infernal bigoted screeching. The world has had enough of your shit.

Good night, and get fucked!