Wankers of the Week: Eleanor Rigby memorial edition

Music, maestro…this is going to be a musical wankapedia!

All the crazy people…where do they all come from? I don’t know the answer, but this list is where they belong. Ah, look at all the crazy people!

1. Pamela Fucking Geller. Making the world safe for crazy Islamophobes and irony-impaired Nazi-symps everywhere. Isn’t she wonderful? Isn’t she brilliant? Isn’t she just such a humanitarian? Isn’t it time she were locked up in a nice rubber room by big men in white coats? Honestly, this woman reminds me of the three lonely old hate-mongering cuckoos from Mother Night, who made common cause over a hatred of a common enemy. And those unreformed Nazis who made her their pet Jew do, too.

2. Billy Fucking Roper. Alan Berg died in a hail of terrorist bullets so that white-power terrorists (and bank robbers) like Bruce Fucking Pierce could have a “viking funeral”. Oh, the humanity. And since when do “martyrs” die of natural causes? Even if it’s in a “ZOG” prison, that’s not martyrdom. If you really want to give the bastard a Viking funeral, tie together some logs, put the corpse on it, set the thing on fire, shove it into the middle of a bog, and wait till it sinks. It’s cheap, and it’s plenty authentic. I doubt very much that he merits any of the accoutrements of the original ship burials, such as slaves buried alongside.

3. Godfried Fucking Danneels. Silence is golden, especially when it’s the fortunes of the Vatican that are at stake. After all, someone’s got to pay damages to all those clerical sexual abuse victims. And in this case, the abuse was INCEST as well. What could make the church look worse? Silence is golden, golden, but still my eyes can see…

4. Bill Fucking Keller. A Muslim community centre at Park 51: unacceptable. But a church for hate-mongering bigots? Apparently fine. Where is the outrage?

5. The Fucking Fraser Institute. Canada’s one-note wonder stink-tank is churning out free-market crapaganda like there’s no tomorrow…and if we take their glurge to heart, there WILL be no tomorrow. Running schools like businesses turns children into commodities. And worse yet, what happens when a private school–business–fails? Worst of all, look at the product they turn out. Conrad Fucking Black was privately educated, and he’s our biggest corporate felon. He got his start in kleptocracy by cheating at school and selling cheat sheets to his classmates. This is what’s “competitive” to Fraser & Co.? DO NOT WANT.

6, 7, and 8. Greg Fucking Gutfield, Erick Fucking Erickson, and Matt Fucking Drudge. You know things have gone through the Looking Glass when the far-right is collectively yearning for a Dear Leader who appears to have sprung straight from old Joe Stalin’s loins. Funny how none of them ever screamed about Dubya’s effeminacy when he choked on a pretzel and fell off his mountain bike. At least His Barackness isn’t embarrassing them by doing anything as stupid as THAT. Last time I looked, guys, real men wore bike helmets. (The brain is a sex organ too, and it’s bigger than the gonads.)

9. Rand Fucking Paul. Well, at least he finally confirmed my suspicion that when you scratch a flibbertigibbertarian, you find a fascist. Or in this case, a whole heap of tainted fascist MONEY. No wonder he was so keen on letting business owners get racist all over their clientele.

10. Thilo Fucking Sarrazin. The swastika may be illegal in Germany (and rightly so), but fascistic pseudoscience is apparently still allowed. And worse, assholes who subscribe to it manage to rise to high places in the banking sector. Who’s a bigger wanker than Thilo? The other bankers, for not condemning him.

11. Jason Fucking Kenney. What’s with the red-baiting? What fucking decade is this? Hello, Jason, are you aware that the Cold War is long over? And should a man who’s still in the closet go around accusing political opponents of being “on the extreme edge of the left and not in touch with reality”, when his own party is now on the extreme edge of the right and, judging by its hatred of all things factual, scientific and statistical, DEFINITELY not in touch with reality?

12. Andy Fucking Coulson. Wow, who knew that Tories on the other side of the pond were just as sleazy and unethical as their namesake counterparts over here? Those who voted for these punks obviously didn’t. And now look how their surveillance society is mutating. Shocking, innit? This could be in store for us, too, if the Harpocraps get another term in office. Or if the Liberals and the NDP keep kowtowing to them.

13. Brian Fucking Ross. So, I take it that false-alarm terror tale was just a dry run for some real news, then?

14. Michael Fucking Reagan. The only thing worse than Glenn Fucking Beck’s lunacy is watching someone else suck his schlong for it. And unfortunately for Glenn, Michael, and the Ghost of Michael’s Dad, the Founders were very explicit (in the Treaty of Tripoli) that the US is not a Christian theocracy. Meaning, “under God”, that phrase appended to the Pledge of Allegiance during the McCarthy era, is null and void, and that all this talk of losing one’s way is nothing but a cloud of ill-smelling breath.

15. Sarah Fucking Palin. Yes, she’s every bit as shallow, harpyish, rude, vindictive, and just plain nasty as we’ve long suspected she was. And then some. It doesn’t surprise me a bit that those who have worked for her are “broken, used, stepped on, down in the dust.” Unfortunately, the same is also true of her much-trumpeted kids. The least she could do is pay them for the trouble they go through on her behalf.

16. Concerned Fucking Women of America. You know you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel when you’re scouring the silly, trashy gossip mags for evidence that older women + younger men = EVIL. I am
so tempted to make jokes here about how badly these “women” (who at one point were headed by a man–are they still?) need to stop being so damn “concerned” and just get laid. Preferably by a cute young guy. But everyone knows that that would not only be cruel, it would be absurd.

17. This crazy fucking bitch right here.

18. Garry Fucking Breitkreuz. Oh sure, the long gun registry is about “public control”. Just like motor-vehicle licensing. I guess Garry has never heard those four little magic words that turn a “law-abiding gun owner” into a raving, murderous gun nut: I want a divorce!

19. Csanad Fucking Szegedi. Nazis: Hungary still has them. Also amnesia: Remember the last time a European government rounded up Gypsies and put them in concentration camps? The Jobbik yobbos don’t.

20. Tim Fucking Pawlenty. My best friend and his partner are glad to be back in Canada, and no wonder. If they were still living in Minnesota, they’d have to raise their two teen sons under a governor who subscribes to wingnut birth control–that is, abstinence-only sex ed, a program that everyone knows does not work.

21. Jan Fucking Brewer. Somebody call the embalmers! A corpse has lost its head! No, wait, false alarm–it’s just the fascist zombie governor of Arizona, shooting her desiccated mouth off again. I guess they’re not sewing shut the lips of the dead anymore. Pity. They pop open in those desert winds!

22. David Fucking Limbaugh. Did you know that the Pigman has a brother? And that the guy’s a conspiracy nut? It’s totally true!

23. Sharron Fucking Angle. A lunatic? A hypocrite? Oh shit, there’s no reason why she can’t be both. After all, she’s a teabag!

24. Tony Fucking Blair. How was he NOT a wanker this week? At least he got some eggs and shoes out of the bargain. Meanwhile, countless Iraqis lost their lives.

And finally, to all the up-close and personal wankers who pooped, peed and ejaculated here this past week. I’m not going to bother going over what they left behind; if their mothers didn’t teach them to clean up after themselves, that’s not my fucking responsibility, any more than it’s my job to blow sugar up their asses. You’ve probably seen them; if not, just look for entries where there are comments, and enjoy. As for the trolls, I have just this to say:

Good night, and get fucked!