I wanna be your sledgehammer
…or better still, just take it to a few of these wankers’ kneecaps:
1. Silvio Fucking Berlusconi.
There’s a lot of wank packed into this one nasty, brutish and short package. Take your pick as to what offends you most: Hitler jokes, homophobia, or rotten life advice for young women, it’s all bad. But just for the hell of it, I’m gonna go with the last, because it’s still being done (with no greater success than ever) in this “enlightened” age. Yeah, marrying an old fart for his money is really great–remember your long-suffering soon-to-be-ex-wife, you old figlio di puttana
? She didn’t think your money was worth the shit it came wrapped in. There’s the REAL life lesson for the girls: Whatever Da Berluscoglioni tells you to do, ladies, DO THE OPPOSITE.
2. Sarah Fucking Palin. Oh, what’ll it be this week? The Statue of Liberty wank
? The “mole” wank
? The I-hear-voices wank
? The caught-in-bed-with-Rand-Paul wank
? The I’m-not-really-a-hunter-but-I-play-one-on-TV wank
? The accusing-Obama-of-treason wank
? Take yer pick. Even with Christine O’Fucking Donnell supplanting her in the wank department this week, the Paliness still managed to generate plenty
3. Natalie Fucking Gonzales.
Dollar Menu attracts too many hippies? No problem–make it a buck fifty and presto!
Shaggy strangers disappear because this bait ‘n’ switch is suddenly too rich for their blood. Of course, it should go without saying that REAL hippies, who care about nutritional
as well as dollar values, don’t eat at McDonald’s anyway.
4. Glenn Fucking Beck. He’s pissed as hell that he has to donate what he raised at his 9-11 floppapalooza to the charity he promised to donate it to…but he’s still got the gall to beg his brain-dead followers to buy him a fucking Mercedes
. He also wants us (no doubt meaning women
) to go home and bake pies
. (Yes, really
.) Oh yeah, and he also thinks fat people should be left to die.
Well, I hope he gets his wish. And I hope Rush Fucking Limbaugh gets it, too.
5. Nicolas Fucking Sarkozy.
If the media report embarrassing (but true) things about you, persecute the media! Gee, just imagine if this happened in Venezuela instead of France. Only, you know, that doesn’t happen in Venezuela, where the media are reduced to making awful things up because Chavecito doesn’t oblige them with anything really-truly terrible.
6. and 7. Newt Fucking Gingrich and Dinesh Fucking D’Souza.
Oh, if only His Barackness DID have a “Kenyan, anti-colonial” worldview; it would make for much smoother international relations, and would remove all motives for future terrorism to boot. Instead, he’s got these two fucking idiots to
get all “bipartisan” with, and the rest of the world is doing a collective facepalm watching the spectacle.
8. David Fucking Grisham.
He tried to burn a Qur’an on 9-11, but was stopped by a skateboarding hero named Jacob Isom. Nothing could be cooler than to say to a wanker what this guy did: “Dude, you have no Qur’an.” And nothing could be cooler than for him to hand the book in question to a local imam, who I’m sure was very happy to see the wanker go home empty-handed.
9. Christine O’Fucking Donnell.
Oh joy, another dumb brunette. Well, why should blondes have all the fun? This one is even worse than La Palin. First this teabag displaces a long-standing Republican incumbent, well known for his genuine class; now she’s all triumphalist. Only problem is, there’s ample video evidence from waaaaaay back
that she has a barely functioning mouse brain
. (Also, she can’t write lit crit for shit.
) Moreover, she is destined to lose; her Democratic opponent is polling double digits above her. Two more months of this stupid, lying piece of shit, and then the US can scrape her off the bottom of its shoes and have done with it.
10. Jeri Fucking Thompson.
I stand corrected regarding #9. Way to reclaim that title for the blondes, Jeri!
11. Kory Fucking Teneycke.
And while we’re on the subject of stupid, lying right-wing shits who will soon be scraped off the soles of countries’ shoes, how about this one? He tried to play dirty US-style Freeperville politics with Avaaz’s petition to stop FUX Snooze North; he got caught. Now he’s resigned from FUX Snooze North (which as yet does not exist), citing a conflict of interest. Ya think? The conflict is, his ass got caught forging signatures to try to discredit a legitimate petition–on behalf of the federal Conservatives, for whom he STILL works, however unofficially. The conflict is, he’s an epic fail as a Tory crapagandist. The conflict is, this channel–already unwanted, rejected b
efore birth–is going to be even more unpopular, thanks to his Nixonian shenanigans. That’s Kory’s conflict–it’s a conflict with the most basic of Canadian values: peace, order, good government–and oh yeah, HONESTY.
12. Pope Ratzi the Fucking Nazi.
There’s a major flaw
in his “atheists are like Nazis” theory. Well, two, actually, if you count his own Hitlerjugend membership.
It’s so bad, even the Hindus were offended on the atheists’ behalf
, Ganesh bless them.
13. Michelle Fucking Malkin.
Anyone who’d cite Ezra Fucking Levant
(whose lies have been yanked, for legal reasons
) as a “must read” is a must-have-shit-for-brains.
14. John Fucking Bolton.
Yes, he’s still harping on the nonexistent “Venezuela threat”. The only REAL threat that country poses is to set an example North Americans will want to emulate. Much to the chagrin of nobodies like the English Sheepdog, no doubt.
15. David Fucking Barksdale.
He’s not the only reason Google is now officially evil, but yeah, he’s just one more scruffy, skeezy piece of flotsam from the underbelly of the beast. And he’s one more reason I’m glad I never had a Gmail address.
16. Karl Fucking Rove.
He grovels to the Pigman
AND the Mousewoman
? Wow, who knew that Bush’s
Brain was such a fucking wuss underneath it all? (And, more to the point: why didn’t the Dems attack him while the attacking was good, knowing that?)
17. Ann Fucking Coulter.
You can tell a lot about a person’s character just from the kind of following they attract. Mine tends to be literate, educated, politically very-liberal-to-leftist, thoughtful and charming. The Coultergeist’s? Uneducated, semiliterate, asinine, antisemitic–and that’s just the nicer ones. I’m sure they gravitate to her for any number of reasons, none terribly savory. But what would I know? I’m just a humble prog-blogger who attracts a lot of nice, intelligent, thoughtful, well-educated people. (And the odd wanker who can’t resist outing themselves here every week. I take that
to be a cry for help.)
18. Ezra Fucking Levant.
Lying about anyone, in any way, is pretty damn stupid. Lying in print, about someone with mile-deep pockets, like, oh, say, George Soros? Suicidally idiotic. But guess who did it? Yep, Canada’s prize idiot himself. What a great satisfaction to see him backpedal
for a change; would be better not to see him fuck up like this in the first place. PS: Hey, Ethical Oil Boy
, would you like some fries with this
19. Anthony Fucking Cramer.
Do you think he’s got “mom” issues? I certainly do…
20. John Fucking Baird.
Slagging the “Toronto elites”
for their anti-gun stance is pretty damn rich coming from someone who was born and educated there (in an elite private school, no less!), as was his equally anti-“elitist” boss.
Well, one good thing is bound to come out of this: no one in Toronto, which has not sent a Conservative to Parliament since 1993, is ever gonna vote SupposiTory again! Neither is anyone in Montréal, for obvious reasons. And given that the majority of Canadians are city or town folk, and even in rural areas a majority are, with good reason, in favor of sensible gun controls (as opposed to the senselessness of no controls at all), well…let’s just say that it’s looking better and better for a progressive coalition, if only the opposition parties could get their goddamned act together and get the right message out.
21. Phyllis Fucking Schlafly.
Support my unmarried ass with your withered lips, you hateful hag. Oh, and about that “national defense” thing? Tell it to the Military-Industrial Complex, they’re laughing all the way to the fucking bank. Maybe if you washed that ancient lacquer out of your hair, your brain might get some oxygen for a change.
22. Stephen Fucking Harper.
A liar? Slap my mouth! Damned if he isn’t a big fat one after all. (This, of course, surprises no one, not even the First Cat.)
23. James Fucking Powers.
And the entire Pennsylvania Department of Homeland Security, come to that. Justifying their senseless boondoggle’s existence by selling out environmentalists to natural-gas drillers? That is one low fucking blow. Also just one more proof, in case you needed it, that corporatism and fascism are one and the same, just as Mussolini said.
24. Bryan Fucking Fischer.
If he’s gonna go saying the things he goes around saying, I think he needs to do the following: Prove that he’s been in the military; prove that he’s not inbred; demonstrate exactly how
being gay is “domestic terrorism”; and stop stoning the fucking whales!
Geir Fucking Haarde.
See what happens when you refuse to regulate, and just let banks have their way? You get financial collapse, a fallen government, and lawsuits everywhere!
26. and 27. Larry Fucking Black and Joel Fucking Fox.
When you work for Joe Fucking Arpaio, the World’s Worst Sheriff, misconduct goes with the territory. So does getting suspended when the public has finally had enough of your collective shit.
And that’s it for this week. Any of you wankers out there across the pond feel like outing yourselves here tonight? Or are you done with trolling? Either way, my signoff to you remains the same as it ever was:
Good night, and get fucked!