Stupid Sex Tricks: Chilean miners edition

Mit zween Herrn ist schlecht zu kramen;

Noch schlechter, fürcht’ ich, mit zwo Damen.

(It’s tough to tangle with two gents; but even harder, I fear, with two ladies.)

–Wilhelm Busch, Maler Klecksel

Yes, kiddies, the inspiring story of the day has a cloud hanging over it already. There’s at least one freshly rescued guy who’s gonna wish in the weeks and months ahead that the Earth had swallowed him when it had the chance…

When Yonni Barrios emerged from 69 days underground to cries of “El Doctor,” there was none of the fist-pumping celebration that marked the other miners’ escape.

This may have something to do with his tangled love life, which made headlines around the world while he was stuck underground attending to the medical needs of his fellow miners.


Marta Salinas first sensed something was up when she discovered another woman was also keeping an anxious vigil outside the mine for Barrios.

The discovery prompted a war of words between the two rivals. The mistress, Susana Valenzuela, said she had met Barrios on a training course five years earlier, and that he was planning to leave his wife for her.

Salinas said Valenzuela had “no legitimacy” and refused to address her by name. Initially she stuck with her husband, in spite of his infidelity.

“[Barrios] is my husband. He loves me and I am his devoted wife,” Salinas said, according to the New York Post.

That all changed when her husband’s rescue became imminent. Barrios reportedly asked both his wife and his mistress to be there to greet him when he emerged from underground.

After that, Salinas was done.

“He asked me to come, but it turns out he also invited the other woman and I have decency,” Salinas said before the rescue, according to ABC News. “This is very clear: It’s her or me. “

And by default, it looks like it’s “her”:


Yes, that’s right. The wife kept her word, and the mistress got to be the one to greet him. No wonder the cheering section was absent for this one; that’s got to be pretty damn embarrassing.

And that’s not the only embarrassment waiting in the wings:

At least five wives have been forced to come face to face with mistresses whose existence was kept from them by their husbands, who have been trapped more than 2,300ft below since a cave in on August 5.

One miner has four women fighting over him in an effort to claim compensation offered to the families of those facing between three to four months underground until a rescue shaft can reach them.

Government officials are considering asking the 33 trapped miners to name those they want to claim the benefits entitled to them in a bid to solve problems on the surface.

“There has been a lot of conflict between women,” admitted Marta Flores, a Red Cross worker at the makeshift camp where relatives wait for news of their loved ones.

“We had a big bust up in the canteen tent when a wife came across a woman who claimed to be her husband’s lover – we had to step in and pull them apart before things got physical.” At stake are welfare packages issued to the families of the trapped miners as well as future compensation claims that could run into tens of thousands of pounds.

“Unfortunately the conflict stems from money issues,” said Mrs Flores. “Some of the men have children from numerous women and all of them have arrived here to stake their claim. I’ve met five families in this situation but I’m sure there are more.” Some women turned up at the camp to discover that their partners already had a wife and children who they knew nothing about.

“Those that truly love their men have slipped away quietly not wanting to cause any more pain to the families but others are putting up a fight.” Special welfare officers trained in marital issues have been brought in to provide help to women faced with their husband’s infidelity.

One miner, who has not been named, has a first wife he never divorced, his live-in partner, a mother of a child he had several years ago, and a woman who claims to be his current girlfriend all visiting the camp.

These miners may be machos, but they are no match for a bunch of angry women, and they know it; that’s why they kept those paramours secret, after all!

And at this rate, those guys are gonna wish they’d been killed in the collapse, because their secrets are out, and what’s coming now is a shitstorm that’s gonna tear them limb from limb. If they thought they had money troubles before, they’re gonna have them in spades now, lucrative job offers and book deals notwithstanding.

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1 Response to Stupid Sex Tricks: Chilean miners edition

  1. Yeah…way to survive all that hell, guys. Now..prepare for an even greater hell that will make the damn mine seem like freakin’ Xanadu in comparison.
    Of course, the inevitable book/movie deals have absolutely NOTHING to do with all these golddig….errrrrrrrrrrr, mistresses coming out all of a sudden. Oh, no siree. It’s all about love or lust…or something like that.
    Maybe they can attent the same sex addiction clinit that Eldrick Woods (formerly known as “Tiger”) attended to cool their heels, ehhh??

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