Wankers of the Week: Bumping uglies

Yes, this is a real, and inadvertently hilarious, church sign. I saw it first at Nerve.com.

Wouldn’t you give your hand to a friend? Certainly. But other body parts are still off limits. And to these ugly, ugly people, who are nobody’s friends, even the time of day is too much to give. Which is why I recommend nothing but the ol’ heave-ho for…

1. Ann Fucking Coulter. So, the self-loathing gays of the Repugnican party thought it would be fun to have her “entertain” at their little HomoConned shindig? Well, now they know. She really DOES hate them. She really DOESN’T believe in civil rights or liberties. She really IS an unregenerate racist. And she really IS a waste of skin. Wasn’t that fun, fellas? Now we all know why you don’t want to come out as Repugs–it’s the company you keep! (And as a side note, isn’t it hilarious to be told in all seriousness that marriage is “for procreation”–by someone who isn’t married, and who probably hasn’t menstruated in decades, who repulses every decent man who comes near her, and therefore is highly unlikely to procreate?)

2. Markham Fucking Hislop. Yeah, we “modern women” get it, all right. We get that you’re a long-winded sexist porker with a foot fetish. Also that you like boobies and are “tired of apologizing for it”. Now we also get why strip joints exist–it’s so that ugly sexist knuckle-draggers from the Pleistocene can buy the illusion that they are attractive to somebody. Thanks so much for sharing all those insights! Just reading them made me want to put on a burqa, crawl into a cave, and wait for the apocalypse. Now, where is my eye bleach?

3. Troy Fucking Newman. One day, God will “get the last word” on him, too; he and every other anti-choicer will die…and women everywhere will sing sweet Hallelujah for it.

4. John Fucking Raese. If you want a return to crapitalism before child labor laws, dude, you’re gonna have to swallow the fact that there were neither automobiles nor air travel in those “golden” days. Which were, incidentally, the last time that volcanoes might have accounted for more air pollution and global warming than man-made sources.

5. Sharron Fucking Angle. Every time I think she’s hit the Great Wall of Woo and couldn’t possibly go further, she finds yet another one to smack headlong into. Most of us know better than to claim that autism is some kind of conspiracy, but not she…she thinks it’s SOCIALIST, of course! Why does this woman hate children? I don’t have or want any, but I like them just fine, and if they need government-funded healthcare, that’s all right with me. But then again, I also know that autism is genetic and that the only conspiracy connected to it is this insane far-right effort to keep kids who have it from getting the care they need. (They’d rather see all that money going to corporate honchos who already have more than they’ll ever know what to do with.)

6. Rand Fucking Paul. Craziest man alive? I can get behind that; he’s a selfish moron who wants the system to go on churning out more selfish morons. I just don’t wanna get in front of him when he goes back to practicing ophthalmology.

7. Ken Fucking Kratz. A prosecutor’s job is to HELP victims of crime get justice, not take advantage of their vulnerability. Hitting on domestic-abuse survivors through text messaging is about as slimy as it gets. (I hope his wife divorces him, too.)

8. Joe Fucking Biden. Ass Sphincter says WHAT? “Stop whining”? WTF? Is that any way to talk to the people who busted their humps to get you elected, Joe? The least you could do is what they elected you to do. And that is NOT lecturing them. You are the public’s servant, not their master, capisce?

9. Conrad Fucking Black. Figures that one whore-media oligarch supports another in the Toronto mayoral race. Question is, why would a man with such deep contempt for Canadian values even bother, especially since “his” candidate is so far behind Rob Fucking Ford (EDIT: And has since dropped out of the race)? (And that’s about the only good thing that can be said for the boorish Ford’s front-runner status, believe you me.)

10. Tom Fucking Ridge. There was no “pressured” about it; Rainbow Ridge was ordered to issue those bogus terror alerts, and as a Repug operative, he was happy to comply. Any questions?

11. Sarah Fucking Palin. If there’s booing in the ballroom and you don’t know why, look in the audience. Or listen for a hickish voice with an annoying rasp to it. Then you’ll know. Bristol Palin is not a “star”, and neither is her mom. The entire wanking Palin clan has worn out its welcome even on the glorified game show circuit.

12. Stuart Fucking Varney. He lost his shit, and a debate, in true Epic Fail fashion, but since it was on FUX Snooze, he’ll probably only fall up. Sad to say.

13. Glenn Fucking Beck. So racist and repugnant, he’s now down to rejecting himself. Well, it’s a start!

14. Eddie Fucking Long. The molestation-by-homophobe tally is now 30 and still climbing, for those keeping track.

15. Christine O’Fucking Donnell. Surprise! She lied about everything, including her own education (or more likely, lack thereof.) And yet the Repugs of Delaware saw fit to pick her over a known quantity like their current senator? Oh, this is SO headed for Failsville. PS: Did you know her dad was Bozo the Clown? No? Well, now you do…and now you know it’s hereditary.

16. Cindy Fucking Jacobs. It’s people like her that make atheists wherever they shit. May their prayers fall on deaf ears–or be met with resounding laughter from the sky. I really don’t care which, as long as they don’t come true.

17. Dana Fucking Loesch. There is no such thing as a conservative feminist; you are either a conservative OR a feminist. Conservatives believe in male domination; feminists don’t. And thanks to her disparaging, lookist remarks–the hallmark of male-dominant conservatism–we all know what side this one falls on. So save your respect for someone worthy of the name.

18. Barbara Fucking Kay. She starts out reasonable enough (oh, don’t they always?), but then her rant on this week’s prostitution ruling veers off into pearl-clutching territory near the end:

Being a prostitute is a shameful, indecent activity, and any sex worker who demands respect as a matter of course is fooling herself. She is not respectable. Politically correct people will say she is, but she isn’t.

Typically conservative, Babs comes down against the women. She never says anything to the effect that pimps and johns are not respectable. Why do you suppose THAT is? Nothing to do with that old conservative tenet that you are a conservative first and foremost, and anything else you are, if it is not white, male and Christian, gets thrown under the bus, surely!

19. Andrew Fucking Shirvell. Probably got his lawyering start in the schoolyard, pushing smaller kids around. And I bet it was mainly boys. Hmmm, I wonder why…

20. The Fucking Koch Brothers. Looks like their well-paid astroturfers, calling themselves “Americans for Prosperity”, have very touchingly taken up the cudgels on their behalf. Everybody, all together: AAWWWWWWWWWW!!!

21. Michaëlle Fucking Jean. Much as it pains me to include her, I just gotta. Because we all loved her, going in…and then were shocked and disappointed when she ignored both history and parliamentary law to grant Harpo those two fucking proroguements. And now she wants to “explain” her betrayals to us, now that she’s stepping down? Too little, too late, and wrong answer, Michaëlle. A majority did not elect that nasty little man, and you, acting on all our behalf, should not have caved in to him. But you did–twice. And now you’re third time unlucky. Three strikes, yer out.

22. Andrew Fucking Breitbart. Racism is getting to be something of a habit with him, isn’t it? Only this time, he uses a black guy to be his mouthpiece. Oh, and not a word on the busted sexual shenanigans of his felonious protégé, James O’Fucking Keefe? Finally, three days later, we get this. Cowardly, cowardly custard.

23. Meg Fucking Whitman. Is it terribly surprising that someone who has it in for undocumented immigrants should be caught red-handed exploiting them? The obscene thing is, this harridan has spent over $100 million US on her campaign so far.

24. Daniel Fucking Webster. Isn’t it nice to know the right-wing in the US is so indistinguishable from the Taliban–or the hard-line mullahs from Iran? At this rate, Alan Grayson will be a shoo-in, and I for one will not be happier to watch the shooing-in ceremony…

25. Glenn Fucking Beck. There are no words to express the profundity of his stupidity. Or his lunacy.

26. Fifty Fucking Cent. His manhood’s not worth two shits. ’nuff said.

27. Rick Fucking Sanchez. I think someone’s just jealous because Jon Stewart, a comedian, is a better newsman than he. PS: Antisemitic much?

28. Bill Fucking Donohue. Victim-blaming is an old, slimy defence attorney trick, and never more offensive than when applied to victims of sexual abuse. One wonders why he employs it so much. But then again, one doesn’t need to flip heavy rocks over to know what creepy crawlies lie underneath.

29. Joe Fucking Warmington. Apparently it costs a lot to be utterly uncultured. Which is why Joe Blowhard wants all arts funding in Toronto–a city that makes a very good living from the arts–cut, cut, cut. Because, apparently, it’s all too high-falutin’ and big-word-usin’ for his widdle pea brain to wrap itself around, and therefore it’s extraneous and can’t possibly matter very much. Never mind that the last thing Toronto needs is a boorish fucking tea-tard for a mayor. Oh, but here’s the musical question from Joe: “If people can’t sell their talent in a free market, why are the rest of us forced to pay for their mediocrity?” Good question, Joe…and speaking of mediocrity, why are Sun readers paying for yours? It’s even duller and more deadening than the advertising space it pads out.

30. Peter Fucking McKay. His name has been synonymous with asshattery for me pretty much since the time he called ex-Tory MP Belinda Stronach a dog (she dumped him; don’t we all wonder why!). Now there’s a new reason for it. When an imam who pronounced a fatwa against violence is “too extremist” for Peter, we have to wonder what the hell he’s dusting his cigars with. Either that, or we have to wonder what extreme he himself is sitting at. (That of stupidity, no doubt.)

31. Jackson Fucking Diehl. As usual, he doesn’t know shit about Venezuela and he ain’t gonna, ever. If you believe anything you read about LatAm in the WaHoPo, do I feel sorry for YOU. It’s not a newspaper anymore; it’s not even half-decent fishwrap, nowadays.

32. Bob Fucking Woodward. And speaking of the WaHoPo and things that have come down in the world, how about him? Journalism ceases to be journalism when it becomes military propaganda.

33. And while we’re on the subject of not-journalism-anymore, how about The Fucking Globe & Mail. They fired two of their best, Rick Salutin and Tabatha Southey–both, not coincidentally, progressives. So glad I never got that internship they interviewed me for, in a moment of what was surely morbid curiosity, 15 years ago. I’d probably have gotten the ax, too.

34. And speaking of things that suck at the “new” and unimproved Grope & Flail, how about that Margaret Fucking Wente? Ugh. If they want to ATTRACT readers, they should get rid of HER.

35. Mark Fucking Schneider. Homophobia is certainly wankish enough, but pushing around a 14-year-old girl for carrying a rainbow flag? That’s cowardly bullying, pure and simple. Shame on you, motherfucker.

36. And while we’re on the subject of motherfuckers, how about these 78 rape-friendly anti-choice candidates? Talk about fascists bound to lose!

Uh oh, I feel a song coming on…

And finally, to all the tea-tards out there going nuts tonight because the OneNation rally drew more than double what your Beckapalooza did. Suck it, haters.

Oh, and:

Good night, and get fucked!